


Can I Be Happy, Living With Your Ghost?

by MissSophie23



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Bellamy Blake / Gina Martin, BestFriend!Murphy, F/M, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Grieving, Minor Character Death, Minor Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Modern Setting, POV Multiple, Slow Burn, fireman!bellamy, minor character relationship - Freeform, past relationship, secret feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2018-12-02 13:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11510763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSophie23/pseuds/MissSophie23
Summary: You never forget your first love. Never. Especially not when they keep being your best friend, like Bellamy and Clarke. They both moved on with different people, but their hearts hadn't forgotten where they truly belonged. But Bellamy and Clarke always had the worst timing and life is a bitch , so they have to go through a lot before finding what they really want - or who. Their poor friends, they don't have an easy time with them. Never had and probably never will.Because we are all suckers for ex-lovers, angst and slowburn!





	1. Better Than Me

**Author's Note:**

> Alright guys, I'm writing this fiction since almost forever. I had a pretty big break in between but I decided to start upload it now (I'm a little ahead of you, so I think there won't be any problems in uploading). I hope you enjoy the fiction as much as I do writing it. It will change between Clarke's and Bellamy's POV. The first three chapters will be a flashback ... 
> 
> Thank you for my beta [Marie](http://theeternaldreamer.tumblr.com) for correcting my mistakes and the wonderful [and-so-we-meet-again](http://archiveofourown.org/users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain) for your feedback.
> 
>  
> 
> [Fanfiction Cover](img1.picload.org/image/rpipprol/bellarke_bellginakopie.jpg)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to summer 2007 ... Clarke and Bellamy met each other's parents for the very first time ... Clarke's POV

**June 2007**

She looked at her parents nervously. Her heart was racing, her palms sweaty and everything in her head was spinning. Would they like him? Would they think that he was good enough for her? Despite that, she didn‘t care even if her parents thought he wasn‘t.

She liked this guy, very much. He made her laugh. He made her feel comfortable. She could tell him everything and be herself around him, no matter what. He didn‘t judge her – not anymore.

They were together for a few weeks only but she knew what kind of feelings she felt when she was with him. When she was thinking about him. It was trust and respect and pure love. 

She fell head over heals for him. He was her everything. The most important person in her life. Her big love. She couldn‘t imagine being without him. She even hated not being with him while she slept. 

He did funny things to her body, to her mind and she enjoyed every second. And so did he. She knew because they were writing and speaking to each other all day and all night when they weren‘t together. She even sneaked out of her bedroom a few times to spend time with him.

It was very exciting and somehow dangerous because no one knew. They didn‘t want anyone to find out. It was a secret. Their secret … for different reasons. On one hand they liked the tension that was created by keeping it a secret.

On the other hand, and the more important reason, they were scared that the acknowledgement of their relationship by others would destroy its beauty. That they (and their feelings) weren‘t strong enough for not caring about what others were thinking.

Apparently they were. They started with their friends, who were happy for both of them. Who didn’t give a damn about social differences and disparities. Her, the golden princess with wealthy parents and him, the rebel king without any money but a heart as good as gold.

Two different people. Two different societies and yet they had found each other.

Normally she wouldn’t say or believe it but it was like he was her perfect match, her soulmate. So meeting each other's parents was such a big and important thing.

“And?” Asked Clarke shortly, biting her bottom lip in impatience.

They just said goodbye to Bellamy’s mother and him who’d spent the last three hours in the Griffin’s house.

It was the first meeting at all.

Clarke had been incredibly nervous to make a good impression on Aurora, while Bellamy tried to impress the hosts. For anyone who wasn’t Bellamy and Clarke it must have been a quite enjoyable and funny night. Two teenagers meeting the others parents for the first time, trying to make a good impression and also helping the other not to go down under their parents glances. 

Jake and Abby exchanged an amused smile, which made Clarke even more nervous and a little furious. At these times she really hated her parents. They loved teasing her. When her face heated up Jake barked out a laugh and put his arm around his daughter. 

“Oh kiddo, don’t be mad at us for loving you and thinking how cute you are.” He squeezed her closer, making Clarke roll her eyes and shoving him away – a little. 

“Don’t mess with me, dad. You know how important this was to me.”

“I know,” said her father, now more serious.

A little too serious if you asked Clarke. Great – they didn’t like him.

Panic started in Clarke’s head. She would tell her parents that it didn’t matter if they like Bellamy. That she was planning to keep seeing him no matter what, but obviously she didn’t have to because her mother smiled from one ear to another and her dad’s breast swell with pride.

“You like him?”

Her voice was high pitched, anxious and excited at once. Her heart was jumping harder in its ribcage. Her knees went weak, but not as much as she thought because Clarke jumped when her parents nodded to her question. A loud squeal from the blonde made Abby and Jake laugh again and this time Clarke didn’t care.

They liked Bellamy Blake. The guy she liked.  
Her boyfriend.

“I think he is a very decent young man,” smiled Abby and Jake added,

“Very charming and responsible.”

“He really is,” grinned Clarke. The happiness spreading through her bones and over her face. “I really like him.”

“We could tell.”

“And he likes you just as much.”

Clarke’s heart busted wildly. She was relieved, so fucking relieved that her parents liked Bellamy. She had to tell him. Like, right now. She needed to tell him that her parents liked him. She wanted to share the relief and the happiness she was feeling because everything seemed to be okay and alright.

“And what do you think about Aurora?” Interfered Jake into Clarke’s thoughts and her high got ticked-off a little.

What was his mother thinking about her? What was Clarke thinking about her?

Aurora had been nice and polite to her, but didn’t give any indication away how she felt about Clarke … or her life. Did she like her? Did it matter to Bellamy what his mom was thinking?

Of course they both had said that they didn’t care but the truth was – it was the most important thing to both of them.

That their parents liked the other one. She wasn’t sure if Bellamy would stay with her if his mother didn’t approve. But why shouldn’t she? Clarke didn’t do anything to offend her, right? 

She didn’t feel uncomfortable or had been subtly mad. Aurora was a parent just like hers. One who probably didn’t want to judge to early or who gave anything away too easily.

Clarke started chewing on her bottom lip again, kneading her palms. “I think she is nice and likable?”

Jake’s frowning lightened up a little, which made Clarke feeling a little better, a little safer. 

“She seems like a nice woman. Maybe a little quiet but you can’t blame her … when your mom is the one who always talks every time.”

Her father winked at Clarke and Abby slapped her husband into the shoulder, offended,

“This is absolutely not true Jake!” All three of them started to laugh.

“I’m sure she likes you Clarke. Don’t worry about it. She is a mother. And there is nothing more important to us than seeing our kids happy,” smoothed Abby, whipping Clarke’s last worries away.

And with that she rushed upstairs into her bedroom, heart still filled with joy when she scrolled through her contacts to call Bellamy.

 

The sound of her heartbeat was echoing through her ears, exciting and desperate for talking to her boyfriend about the evening. She bit her bottom lip down to stop grinning like a goofy, even though it seemed like forever for Bellamy to pick up. Which was unusual because he normally picked up at the first ringing. 

But the moment the ringing stopped and she heard him breathing on the other end of the line it busted out of her. Clarke couldn’t keep it in any longer,

“My parents like you!”

She squealed out of joy. The grin on her lips was so big that it started to hurt but Clarke didn’t care. She was happy. Her parents liked Bellamy. 

_“Well, this is good, isn’t it?”_ Chuckled Bellamy and Clarke nodded, despite that Bellamy couldn’t see her. But she wished he was.

“Oh I wish you were here Bell.” 

_“Me too.”_

This time he sounded sad. And it wasn’t the usual ‘I miss you’ five minutes later after they had seen each other. It was a different sound, like something was on his mind. She didn’t hear this voice often in the last weeks, so it scared her even more. The grin faded a little, her heart beat faster.

She frowned, “Something wrong?”

Silence. Silence was never good. Silence was bad. Worse than bad! 

“Bellamy?”

She heard him swallowing. Her stomach tightened. A cold shiver ran down her back. He breathed through his nose loudly before his rough voice reached her ear.

_“I just miss you.”_

His voice was thick, like he was trying not to cry. Not letting it out, keeping his emotions in check. This time it was Clarke who swallowed thickly. Her throat glued together, her heart jumping in the chest but not because of joy but because of worries.

Clarke felt tears pooling in her eyes because his words, his voice, told her that something was wrong. How could it be? They just had a wonderful evening together. He had been away for half an hour, forty minutes max. What the fuck happened that he was like this? That he sounded so broken … .

The first tear fell and Clarke whipped it away furiously, taking a deep breath before speaking to Bellamy, trying to keep her voice under control. He didn’t have to know she was crying.

“Bellamy, please tell me what happened. You are scaring the hell out of me.”

_“Don’t cry on me princess,”_ begged Bellamy, panic in his voice.

She knew that he hated seeing her cry. And she hated that he knew even though he wasn’t here. That she couldn’t keep her voice in check so he wouldn’t notice.

“I’m not.” Lied Clarke and her voice broke at the end. She sniffled, pressing her hand on her eyes, telling her body to stop producing tears. 

_“You are.”_

“Then tell me what your fucking problem is!” Screamed Clarke into the speaker and tears rolled over her cheeks. 

“Did I do something wrong tonight?”

_“No -”_

“Was it something my parents did?”

_“No, no Clarke everything was just great tonight. It -”_

Again she cut him off, furious and mad that he didn’t tell her what happened.

“But it has to be -”

_“It’s my mom Clarke, okay?!”_

He yelled into the phone, his voice mad and desperate at the same time. Her heart skipped a beat. His mother? 

“Did, did something happen? Is she okay?”

Her words were shaking. She felt bad for forcing him to tell her just because she thought she did something wrong and couldn’t handle being left in the dark.

There was a loud sigh on the end of the line. _“She’s fine.”_

“O-okay … she, she doesn’t like me?”

_“No, she does. She thinks you are a great girl.”_

Clarke didn’t get anything. What was the problem then, if she was okay and Aurora liked Clarke? Clarke licked her lips, shaking her head. “I don’t get it Bellamy.”

He sighed, long and loud. Then,

_“She … she doesn’t think it’s right.”_

“What does she mean by that?”

Clarke was afraid of his answer because she already knew it. She knew and still couldn’t understand. The evening had been great. They had had fun, despite Aurora had been a little quiet – she never looked like she felt uncomfortable or anything.

The blonde swallowed, the time ticking by. Second by second and Bellamy didn’t say anything and yet so much.

So Clarke grabbed all her strength together and asked what she was afraid of,

“And what does this mean?”

_“I don’t know. It’s just – somehow she is right.”_

“Right about what?”

Her voice echoed in her head, hoarsely. Her heartbeat picked up. Was Bellamy thinking what Clarke thought he was? The palm she was holding her phone in sweated. Her heartbeat was loud and hard.

_“She said that, look Clarke, you and your parents … you live in a completely different world than us. You have money and so many great opportunities. Me, I’ll never be able to give you what you need. I’ll never earn enough money to make your dreams come true. There won’t be any holidays in New York or in Europe. No big house and fancy dresses or jewels. I won’t go to a big university and become a doctor or judge. I’ll be stuck here forever and I don’t want to bring you down. I won’t let you give up your dreams and chances. You deserve more than the life I can offer. Much more. You, you don’t fit into my world in the long run.”_

His voice was low and thick, rough and shaking. Just like Clarke’s whole body. Her heart beat so fast she was sure if it would go a little faster she would die. Her stomach wrenched, one shiver after the other ran down her back, making her sick.

Tears dropping down her cheek because of his words. It took all her strength to speak again, the fear of him breaking up with her, right in her heart.

“That’s not true Bellamy. And you know that. You don’t know what I want and what I need. Maybe I don’t want a life like my parents have, okay? Maybe all I want is you, no matter what. May-maybe I don’t give a shit about money and opportunities. This is not fair and you know that … just because your mom –“

_“It’s not only because of my mom Clarke. We both knew about this –“_

“Exactly! This is why I don’t understand why it’s such a big problem right now. Which it isn’t for me! You know that I don’t care about money –“

_“Not now!”_ Bellamy cut her off and he sounded sour. Clarke huffed offended, “You don’t –“

_“Come on Clarke, we both know that you want to study at Yale or Harvard or abroad.”_

“Maybe I don’t want –“ Tried Clarke, but Bellamy cut her short again.

_“And I don’t want to be the reason for you not to go, okay? I couldn’t live with that.”_

“You could come with me!” Suggested Clarke and her voice was filled with tears.

She pulled her legs closer, wrapping her arm around it and wobbling. Clarke couldn’t believe Bellamy and her first fight was about their relationship as a whole … and would probably end with a break up … which she didn’t want to. Why couldn’t he see this? Why couldn’t he stop saying all these things? Things that were hurting her, making her cry and sick.

_“You know I can’t afford to live in a city like Cambridge. How would I earn money? With a job as what? A janitor?”_ He scoffed. _“Yeah, amazing future prospects.”_

Clarke squeezed her eyes shot. She was shaking her head, sobbing into the phone. Her heart breaking with every beat. How could this happened? They had such a nice evening and now she was talking to Bellamy who … who tried to break things with her?!

_“ **Clarke** ,”_ his voice was gentle, worry flew with it.

_“Please,”_ he pleaded (his voice rough from hiding the tears) and she knew he hated it when she was crying but he couldn’t really blame her, right? 

_“Clarke, please I –“_

“What do you want from me Bellamy?!” Nagged Clarke furiously into the speaker, biting her lip down to suppress another whimper. She heard him swallowing. 

“What am I supposed to do, huh? You are trying to break up with me and –“

_“I don’t want to Clarke!”_ Insisted Bellamy and said, _“I just don’t want to ruin everything for you. Can’t you understand that?”_

“ **No**. No I can’t understand that Bellamy! Because this is exactly what you are doing right now. Ruining everything by telling me these things. I am happy, okay? I am happy with you right now and I don’t care about what people think. I don’t care what I want for the future, because I frigging don’t know myself, okay? I just want to be with you. Only you. I don’t care if your mom thinks we’re not worth it. That we won’t make it! I just don’t want us to break up. Not like this. Not over the phone, not after tonight … not at all! All I want is to be with you. Why don’t **you** get that? I decide what is good for me and not you or your mom or my parents. Only me!”

Her whole body was shaking, she tasted salt on her lips, from all the tears she was crying. Her hand whipped them away and she got out of her bed, knees so weak she had to remain where she was for a second because she was too afraid of falling.

“I’ll come over right now!” She demanded, Bellamy trying to stop her.

_“No. It’s storming outside Clarke! I won’t let you walk over. It’s too dangerous.”_

“I don’t care Bellamy! I won’t let you break up with me over the phone!”

_“I am not Clarke. I promise. I’ll come over tomorrow, okay? Please – be reasonable. I don’t want you to get out of there and –“_

“Sorry,” said Clarke and ended the call.

She switched off her phone and whipped away the tears. She was 16 but still couldn’t drive – getting a driver licenses was harder than she thought it would be – so walking was her only choice. She didn’t care what Bellamy told her, she would go to see him!

The blonde took a few more breaths before heading downstairs, hoping her parents wouldn’t notice her red and swollen eyes, her thick voice when she told them goodbye, but of course it was different.

The moment she said, “I’m heading to Bellamy’s”, her parents knew something was wrong. They turned around and Abby got out of her seat so quick that Clarke wondered why the chair wasn’t falling onto the ground. 

“What happened?” Asked the blonde worried and Jake switched off the television, eyeing Clarke closely.

She had to stay strong, Clarke told herself. She couldn’t break into tears again. She – 

She started crying the moment Abby put her hand on her shoulder. The woman pulled her daughter into a hug, wrapping her arms around Clarke and hushing softly. Clarke sobbed into her mother’s shirt while trying not to fall apart.

“B-B-Bell-Bellamy …”

“Did something happen to him?” Asked Jake and got off the couch alarmed.

“No … no, he …” Clarke couldn’t say the words without falling apart.

She clenched closer to her mother, who was holding her more firmly. It took Clarke a few moments before trying to tell her parents what happened a second time. At this moment the phone was ringing and Jake disappeared, while Clarke spoke to her mother.

“He … his mother said that, that I don’t fit into, into their … he isn’t good enough and wants to … I think he wants to end this because he, he doesn’t want me to give up everything and …” 

Tears were stopping her from speaking any further. This wasn’t fair. This was everything but fair.

“Oh honey,” sighed Abby into Clarke’s hair and swaying them a little.

Clarke took a deep, shaky breath. The familiar scent of her mother calmed her down. She made her feel safe and comfortable. Like everything was alright and nothing could happen as long as she stayed in these arms. 

It was the moment Jake came back into the living room.

“It was Bellamy.”

Clarke’s head shot up, eyes red and her head already hurting like hell.

“He was worried because he couldn’t reach you on your phone. He said you wanted to walk over?” Her father’s eyes gazed outside the window, before turning back at her.

Clarke swallowed. “Yeah, I –“

“I’ll drive you over,” said Abby and Clarke knew that by the sound of her mother’s voice that it was final. That she wouldn’t accept any arguments.

That didn’t mean Clarke wasn’t trying to refuse her offer,

“No. I can take the bus mom. It’s late and I don’t know –“

“This is exactly the reason why I’ll drive you Clarke! It’s late, it’s storming outside and you aren’t in your best condition. Like hell I will let my only daughter walk through this hell! I will drive you to Bellamy’s and if you want I can wait outside, okay?”

Abby took Clarke’s face into her hands. The younger Griffin swallowed.

“You aren’t alone Clarke. No matter what happen. Your dad and I will always be there for you. And you can call us at any time. We’ll always come for you and pick you up. Okay?”

Her lips were shaking again. Clarke nodded and shot her eyes close for a second before breathing out loudly.

“We love you Clarke,” mumbled Abby and kissed her daughter’s forehead.

“I love you too.” Returned Clarke softly before both women hit the road across the down to the Blake’s house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it - the first chapter. Tell me what you think :-) I'm planning on uploading this once a week. 
> 
> If you want to talk to me you can find my on [tumblr](http://misssophie23.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/misssophie23).
> 
> Love,  
> Sophia


	2. I'll Never Be Your Mother's Favorite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are still in June 2007 ... this is about Bellamy and his mother and what she thinks about the Griffins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta [Marie](http://theeternaldreamer.tumblr.com) for correcting my mistakes and the wonderful [and-so-we-meet-again](http://archiveofourown.org/users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain) for your feedback.

**June 2007**

His heart jumped in his chest wildly. He glanced over at his mother who walked calmly to the car, after saying goodbye to the Griffins. She didn’t say a word and Bellamy didn’t ask, despite the fact that he was desperate to know what she was thinking. He tried to ignore the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach because he knew his mother inside out. Something was wrong. She hadn’t shown it to the hosts but he could see right through it, although he hoped that he was wrong. That he read to much into his mother’s silence, her body language. The nice smile she gave the Griffins during the end of their visit, which told him that something was bothering her.

But he didn’t ask, didn’t dare to start an eventual fight – not while driving in rain like this– and because he was too scared of knowing already. So Bellamy just let out a little sigh and got into the car, rubbing his palms over his legs the whole way back, gazing at his mother from time to time, whose eyes were glued on the street. He even started chewing on his bottom lip, asking himself if Clarke’s parents would like him and mulled over the last few hours.

Nothing bad happened. Apart from him knocking the glass of soda down, all over the table. Or him starting to stutter when Jake asked him a usual father question; why he was with Clarke. He felt like an idiot now. Clarke had told him that her father would ask those question and if only to mess with Bellamy. Still, he hadn’t been prepared. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He knew exactly why he was with Clarke. She was generous, kind, sweet, beautiful, clever, funny, honest, passionate. Of course Clarke had her flaws but Bellamy didn’t care. They were still in their beginnings, where everything was great and amazing. The reality would get them soon enough. A small smile formed itself on his lips, heart racing out of happiness when the car came into hold, the engine dead.

Bellamy opened his eyes. They got home. Again his eyes crossed over at his mother but she just unbuckled her belt, got out of the car and went inside the house. Bellamy on her tracks, no longer able of holding back the words that were bothering him the last twenty minutes. The moment the door fell in its lock he asked his mother, his whole body hyped up,

“So, what is it?” He couldn’t hide his voice from sounding a little pissed already. He was sure now that something displeased his mother. She still hadn’t said a word about meeting his girlfriend and her parents. His mom seemed to avoid the subject, pretending like the last few hours hadn’t happened, which why she asked, feigned ignorance,

“What is what?”

Bellamy huffed, the uneasy feeling in his stomach growing bigger.

“What is what? Please mom, you know what I am talking about. We just spent the evening with my girlfriend and her parents, both you saw for the very first time and you haven't said a word since we got into the car. I know you, something is wrong. So tell me what it is and don’t pretend like this never happened because you damn know how important this was to me!”

His eyes were fixed on his mother who held his stare easily. Bellamy folded his arms, jaw clenching. Preparing of what was about to come. Aurora's eyes started to move slowly all over her son’s face. Her face softened and a smile, a sad one, appeared on her lips. Bellamy swallowed, arms dropping down, his throat dry as the desert.

“You, you don’t _like_ her.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. What other reasons would his mother have for beating around the bushes? She knew how he felt for her and didn’t want to hurt him or his feelings so she stayed quiet (which wasn’t helping at all).

Aurora took a deep breath.

“No. No, I think Clarke is wonderful. She is very sweet -”

“But?” Bellamy cut his mother short, totally confused.

Another loud sigh came out of Aurora, her eyes lying painfully on him. Like her next words would cut him deep (and they did).

“ _But_ … I don’t think she fits in here.”

His jaw clenched immediately, the same happened to his hands. Bellamy swallowed thickly, eyes hard on his mother.

“How?” It was all he got out without bursting. His whole body was set tight.

Aurora took a deep breath.

“Look sweetheart, she … her world is a completely different one. You’ve seen how she lives. Their living area is bigger than our kitchen, bath and my room together! She’s wearing expensive clothes, probably going out every weekend, buying everything she wants. Her world isn’t yours Bellamy. We can’t do our holidays at overseas or buying something just because we like it. Clarke and her parents seem nice, they really do, but she doesn’t fit in here. Not in the long run.”

With every word his mother spoke, his heart rate quickened, jaw hardening and the throat glued together a little further. Did she think he didn’t know about these thing? Did she think he wasn’t thinking about all these difference all the time? That he didn’t have the doubts himself?

He knew in what kind of world Clarke was living in and in what kind he was. Two different worlds. He fucking knew that! So his mother didn’t have to tell him this and making his doubts even bigger. Doubts that he was right for her … . Bellamy swallowed, trying to free his throat from the lump.

“I think you are cute together,” pushed his mother further, which didn’t make Bellamy feel better. It made him feel even worse.

“And you two are young and don’t care about these things -”

“Damn right you are! She doesn’t care where I’m coming from and neither do her parents,” at least he hoped they didn’t, “and -”

“She doesn’t care _right now_ Bellamy!” She cut him off loudly. Lines of worrying forming on her forehead.

“She doesn’t care right now Bellamy. But do you really think she’ll be happy with this?” She shoved her hands around; like Bellamy needed a reminder in what shitty home they were living.

And right now Bellamy didn’t know what hurt more. That his mother thought so superficial of Clarke or that she thought he wasn’t able of escaping this shitty life. That he would be stuck in this world forever, not being able to graduate.

He huffed, licking his lips, feeling how the anger was boiling in his chest and it wouldn’t take much more to let it out.

“She’ll probably get a full ride and disappear. Clarke doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who stays at Arcadia forever. And you know that.”

This time his jaw cracked loudly, anger running through his veins aggressively and an empty laughter escaped his lips.

“Do you really think I’m not aware of this? That I’m so naive to believe that _this_ is something Clarke can live with forever? That this is the life I want to live forever? Fucking God, I know that this isn’t good enough for her. I know that she won’t stay here forever, okay? That she’ll go to Yale or wherever to study and might become the fucking president of the United States! I know that I can’t give her the life she probably deserves. At least not now!”

His voice got louder, huskier. He didn’t notice but he started yelling at his mother. The anger boiling in his veins, taking over the control. His heart beat strongly in its chest, loud and full of rage. His eyes started to burn, everything he kept inside was rushing out now.

“Do you really believe that I don’t know that she deserves better than me?”

“Bellamy,” interfered Aurora, this time she was swallowing hard, sad-eyed.

“No mom!” He yelled, his fingers tickling, nerves flying high. Tears pooling in his eyes. “I have these fucking doubts myself. But -”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt Bellamy!” Screamed his mother back and Bellamy’s answer followed immediately,

“Which works really great, doesn’t it? I mean what could hurt more than the fact that your _own mother_ doesn’t believe you’re worth loving someone ‘above his station’. That your own mom doesn’t believe in you and your ability of making it out of this fucking life? That she thinks so little of her own son -”

“You know I don’t Bellamy! I want to protect you, okay? I hope, I hope so God damn much, that you’ll do better than me. That you’ll make it out of here. You and Octavia! And I’m sure that Clarke likes you and I can see how much you like her, but I don’t think you’ll make it together. She won’t be the one helping you out. She’s too young. You are too young!”

“You don’t know that!” Returned Bellamy loudly and tears started rolling down his cheeks.

Tears of anger, disappointment and fear. Fear that his mother was right. That Clarke wouldn’t stay at his side, that she would leave him one day, when she realized that he might not make it out of here. Disappointed that his mother didn’t believe in him. Angry with himself that he still thought so little of himself.

His whole body was shaking.

“You don’t know it either Bellamy. I know that this isn’t easy for you to hear -”

“Oh no!” Said Bellamy sarcastically, “It’s the easiest thing to listen to. Getting told not being good enough for a girl I like and who doesn’t care about my status but only about me. I’m totally fine getting told being I’m a fucking loser who won’t be anything but this, social scum. People remind me of this all the time! But it frigging hurts getting told by your mother, mom!”

Bellamy didn’t care if his words were loud and hurting. He didn’t care if he was crying and shaking. He didn’t care because he was so damn angry. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this furious and he knew that he never had been with his mother. But right now he couldn’t care less.

“Bellamy-” Started Aurora but Bellamy didn’t listen. He didn’t want to. So he yelled loudly and rough,

“Screw you mom!” Before turning around and running into his room, slamming the doors so hard that it echoed through the apartment.

He locked his door, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against it, swallowing hard, trying to get his heartbeat under control again, while his mother yelled,

“Bellamy Blake!”

He didn’t say anything. A long silence stretched out and the more Bellamy tried to calm himself down, the angrier he got. His heart raced like hell, the blood rushed so fast through his veins that he could hear it. He swallowed a few times. Tears were streaming down his face and then, out of nowhere, he exploded and the anger bursted out of him. His fist met the surface of the door three times in a row, hard and fast and a loud, almost painful scream escaped his lunges. 

The pain ran through his hand immediately, but Bellamy didn’t care. He clenched his jaw and breath shaken, before throwing himself onto his bed. He laid there silently for a while, when a soft knock was on his door. His mother.

“Bell?” She tried to open the door, without any success. Aurora sighed.

“Bellamy I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you,” She waited for him to respond, but he ignored her. He didn’t want to talk to her, or listen to her right now! He chewed on his bottom lip while his mom continued,

“I love you Bellamy. You know that right? Because I do. I … I have to work now. Octavia is staying with a friend tonight. I’ll … let’s talk tomorrow okay?”

Still no response.

“Okay,” Aurora said quietly and told Bellamy how much she loved him once more before heading out. Bellamy stared at the ceiling, gaze empty, his head full with thoughts. His phone rang a few minutes after his mother left the house and his heart got heavy when he saw the caller’s ID: princess.

Bellamy swallowed, his heart beat quickly and the words of his mother yelled in his head while he took a few breaths. He didn’t want Clarke to notice anything. He didn’t want her to worry. This was something between his mother and him. So it took him longer than usually to pick up and even though he felt shitty as hell, he couldn’t resist a smile coming up his face when he heard Clarke’s happy voice and the words she was saying,

_“My parents like you!”_

His heart jumped and broke down at the same time. It was good to hear that her parents liked him. That he didn’t mess up. He knew how important it was to Clarke that her parents were okay with this relationship, despite it wasn’t any of their business. But just like him, Clarke was a family type. She loved her family as much as he did. Which broke his heart because his mother didn’t approve the relationship; not really. 

Bellamy tried to ignore the stabbing feeling in his heart and chuckled his response,

“Well, this is good, isn’t it?” His eyes were closed, while imagining that Clarke was laying right next to him. The sound of her joyful voice truly calmed him down. He loved it, he loved her for this ability. He loved her … Bellamy swallowed hard at this thought, because they have never exchanged these words and now knowing that this might not be forever, he realized that he really loved her. His throat glued together and tears started to burn in his eyes again. His chest tightened as Clarke told him she wished he would be right next to her. The beat of his heart was loud, like a drumming sound.

Before Bellamy could answer he swallowed hard, trying to keep his voice under control,

“Me too.”

He knew he failed the second he spoke. He knew he gave too much away by the sound of his voice. And the fact that Clarke noticed it as well didn’t make it any better for him. It made him feel sick. 

_“Something wrong?”_

Bellamy pressed his lips together, weighing how to respond, what he should say. He didn’t want to worry her. Clarke didn’t need to know what his mother was thinking of them. That he wasn’t good enough and Clarke too superficial to being happy in the long run. That she would leave at the first opportunity and he would stick here forever. His tongue moved over his lips, his mind troubled what to say. 

So there was a silence. A loud one, in which his heart raced so loud and fast like a hurricane. In which it was hard for him to breathe, his fingers tightened around his cell, listening to Clarke’s worried _“Bellamy?”_ what broke his heart and him out of silence.

Swallowing hard he said with a rough voice what he was thinking, what he was feeling right now. That he missed her!

“I just miss you.”

The tears burned in his eyes, they thickened his throat, shaking his voice and the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach got even worse when he heard Clarke swallowing on the end of the line. Again there was a long and painful silence, both of them trying to process what's happening, trying to keep their emotions under control, trying not to panic. 

Clarke’s next words ripped his heart out, because she knew something was wrong and he couldn’t hide it any longer, which he still tried.

_“Bellamy, please tell me what happened. You are scaring the hell out of me.”_

Her crying finished him off. He pressed his eyes closed, his hand formed into a fist. 

“Don’t cry on me princess,” begged Bellamy. He hated it when she was crying. He didn’t want her to be like this. And he especially didn’t want to be the reason! 

_“I’m not.”_ Lied Clarke and her voice broke at the end. She sniffled and Bellamy wished he could embrace her, pulling her into his arms. But he couldn’t. She wasn’t with him right now. She was so far away … it never felt like this before.

“You are.” Said Bellamy softly and rubbed his forehead when Clarke was yelling at him. He couldn’t blame her.

_“Then tell me what your fucking problem is! Did I something wrong tonight?”_

“No -”

_“Was it something my parents did?”_

“No, no Clarke everything was just great tonight. It -” Tried Bellamy again, but Clarke cut him off again. She was so desperate to know what was wrong, so scared that she might be the reason for his current mood, which made him feel even worse. 

_“But it has to be -”_

“It’s my mom Clarke, okay?!” 

Bellamy couldn’t hold it back any longer. He yelled into the phone, it just broke out of him. His voice was mad and desperate at the same time. He felt so sorry and his heart clenched at her next words because it was so typically Clarke, that she thought something happened to his mother. So typically Clarke that she never thought his mother wouldn’t approve their relationship. She had such a good heart, which made it fucking harder for him to tell her the truth.

_“Did, did something happen? Is she okay?”_

Bellamy rubbed his forehead, sighing loudly into the speaker, “She’s fine.”

_“O-okay … she, she doesn’t like me?”_

His stomach clenched a little. It wasn’t the exact reason but she was very close. Aurora’s words repeated in his head; _Clarke and her parents seem nice, they really do, but she doesn’t fit in here. Not in the long run. She doesn’t care right now Bellamy! She’ll probably get a full ride and disappear._

He gulped, “No, she does. She thinks you are a great girl.”

_“I don’t get it Bellamy.”_

Why couldn’t she leave it? Did she really have to keep digging? He sighed, long and loud. Then, his heart heavy,

“She … she doesn’t think it’s right.”

Clarke’s answer followed immediately, _“What does she mean by that?”_

Bellamy opened his mouth to answer but he didn’t have the heart to tell her what this meant. He couldn’t break her heart like his mother broke his. But of course Clarke asked again, with shaky words,

_“And what does this mean?”_

He closed his eyes, seconds of silence passing by and then something sank in. That his mother was right. That his doubts wouldn't go away, nor the undeniable facts about who Bellamy was and who he would always be. 

“I don’t know. It’s just – somehow she is right.”

His words were quiet, sad, broken. And Clarke’s were too. Both feeling the tension between them. _“Right about **what**?”_

Again it took him a little longer to answer. Throat tightening with every word,

“She said that, look Clarke, you and your parents … you live in a complete different world than us. You have money and so many great opportunities. Me, I’ll never be able to give you what you need. I’ll never earn enough money to make your dreams come true. There won’t be any holidays in New York or in Europe. No big house and fancy dresses or jewels. I won’t go to a big university and become a doctor or judge. I’ll be stuck here forever and I don’t want to bring you down. I won’t let you give up your dreams and chances. You deserve more than the life I can offer. Much more. You, you don’t fit into my world in the long run.”

His voice was low and thick, rough and shaking. His eyes burned with tears, realizing how true his words were. When Clarke responded he heard the tears, the fear of what might coming next. He felt it too.

_“That’s **not** true Bellamy. And you know that. You don’t know what I want and what I need. Maybe I don’t want a life like my parents have, okay? Maybe all I want is you, no matter what. May-maybe I don’t give a shit about money and opportunities. This is not fair and you know that … just because your mom –”_

“It’s not only because of my mom Clarke. We both knew about this –”

_“Exactly! This is why I don’t understand why it’s such a big problem right now. Which it isn’t for me! You know that I don’t care about money –”_

“Not now!” Bellamy cut her off and somehow he couldn’t believe that he was using his mother’s words. Clarke huffed offended, _“You don’t –“_

“Come on Clarke, we both know that you want to study at Yale or Harvard or abroad.”

_“Maybe I don’t want –”_ Tried Clarke, but Bellamy cut her short again.

“And I don’t want to be the reason for you not to go, okay? I couldn’t live with that.” It was the truth. He couldn’t live with the fact that he was the reason Clarke didn’t study because of him. That he was the one who brought her down, kept her in a place like this when she could been so much more.

_“You could come with me!”_ Suggested Clarke and her voice was filled with tears. Bellamy laughed an empty laughter, sourly and sad. 

“You know I can’t afford to live in a city like Cambridge. How would I earn money? With a job as what? A janitor?” He scoffed. “Yeah, amazing future prospects.”

When Clarke didn’t answer Bellamy sighed lowly, listening to her silent tears.

_“Clarke,”_ his voice was gentle, worry flew with it.

_“Please,”_ he pleaded, his voice rough from holding back the tears, unsuccessfully because he felt them on his cheeks.

“Clarke, please I –”

_“What do you want from me Bellamy?!”_ Nagged Clarke furiously into the speaker and Bellamy really couldn’t blame her. He closed his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts.

_“What am I supposed to do, huh? You are trying to break up with me and –”_

“I **don’t** want to Clarke!” Insisted Bellamy and said, “I just don’t want to ruin everything for you. Can’t you understand that?”

 

_“ **No**. No I can’t understand that Bellamy! Because this is exactly what you are doing right now. Ruining everything by telling me these things. I am happy, okay? I am happy with you right now and I don’t care about what people think. I don’t care what I want for the future, because I frigging don’t know myself, okay? I just want to be with you. Only you. I don’t care if your mom thinks we’re not worth it. That we won’t make it! I just don’t want us to break up. Not like this. Not over the phone, not after tonight … not at all! All I want is to be with you. Why don’t **you** get that? I decide what is good for me and not you or your mom or my parents. Only me!”_

His jaw clenched. He breathed heavily through his nose because on one hand he knew she was right, on the other one his mom’s word repeated in his head and she was right too. What was he supposed to do? He loved Clarke and he didn’t want to lose her. But he couldn’t bear it, bringing her down when her future seemed so bright. And his … his wasn’t. Even though he wished it was different, he knew that it was wishful thinking to be in a better place one day.

They both stayed silent for a while, when Clarke told Bellamy that she would come over. This got him out of his stiffness. His eyes flew to the window, the rain got worse. He didn’t notice that it was storming already.

_“I’ll come over right now!”_

“No. It’s storming outside Clarke! I won’t let you walk over. It’s too dangerous.”

_“I don’t care Bellamy! I won’t let you breaking up with me over the phone!”_

He knew that he couldn’t hold her back, not when her voice was any indication for her determination. He panicked because there was a fucking storm outside and Clarke couldn’t drive, he had no car and like hell he would let her walk all this way!

“I am not Clarke. I promise. I’ll come over tomorrow, okay? Please – be reasonable. I don’t want you to get out of there and –”

_“Sorry.”_

It was the last thing he heard before the ending signal. Bellamy froze. He stared into the room, his heart pounding, palms sweaty. His heart skipped a couple of beats and Bellamy looked at his phone. Did she just hang up on him? He licked his lips and dialed her number quickly. Mailbox. He tried it a second time. Mailbox again.

He jumped out of his bed, heart rate at its highest. She wouldn’t walk over, right? She wouldn’t be this dumb … right? 

“Oh God please,” prayed Bellamy towards the ceiling and walked back and forth. If he had a car he wouldn’t hesitate to go, but his mother has taken their car to work. Bellamy licked his lips and dialed the number of his girlfriend one more time - still the mailbox.

Then the thought of calling her parents hit him. He opened the numbers and tried to remember the Griffin’s telephone number. He tried it four times before getting it right. His heart beat hard in its ribcage, nerves tense. He breathed heavily, while waiting for someone to answer the call.

_“Jake Griffin?”_

His heart jumped, “Hello Mr. Griffin, it’s Bellamy Blake.”

_“Bellamy,”_ greeted Jake him concerned, _“Everything okay?”_

His stomach dropped. Judging by the voice of Clarke’s father she might have told them already what happened. Bellamy swallowed. He didn’t want to deal with a father’s wrath, because he hurt Clarke’s feelings. Not now. 

“Uhm, yeah. It’s just, uhm, I tried to call Clarke but she won't answer her phone. Is, is she alright? Is she with you?”

_“Yes, yeah she is here. She’s with Abby right now … why?”_

What did Jake know? What could Bellamy say without giving everything away? He closed his eyes, heart still pounding. 

“Okay, good. It’s just that she, she wanted to walk over and it’s storming outside. I would pick her up but I don’t have a car right now and well, I would stop by tomorrow but she didn’t listen and she won’t answer my calls, so could you please make sure she stays safe with you? A-and tell her that I’ll come by tomorrow?”

_“Of course. I’ll talk to her. But everything is alright?”_

“Yeah,” lied Bellamy and he wasn’t sure if Jake really believed him. He probably already knew, why would he asked again otherwise?

_“Okay.”_

“Thank you.” Said Bellamy relieved and said goodbye to the man on the end of the line. When he hung up Bellamy took a deep, calming breath. Everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos for my first chapter. Please, don't hesitate to give me your feedback. Here or on [tumblr](http://misssophie23.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/misssophie23) :-) I would like to read your thoughts. I hope you enjoyed this chapter because I loved, loved, loved writing it.
> 
> What do you think about Aurora being the one doubing Bellarke and Abby being the supportive mother? It's different, I know ... do you think Aurora is right about Clarke?
> 
> We will see Bellarke talking in the next chapter - in person. Will Bellamy break up with her? oO


	3. I'm Gonna Love You, Like I'm Gonna Lose You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of the flashback, June 2007. Clarke and Bellamy talk in person ...

**June 2007**

Clarke pushed the lump down her throat as she stood in front of the Blake‘s house. Her mother was waiting in the car but Clarke had told her to leave as soon as Bellamy let her in. She didn‘t want her mom to wait for her outside in the car. Not when it was storming like this. Also, this was something she had to do on her own.

If Bellamy wanted to break up with her in person she had to be on her own. She knew that she could count on her parents to pick her up any time, but despite that fact, it still was not easy standing here, waiting for the door to open.

 

Their talk ran through her head over and over. His words echoed in her mind, making her heart ache. Clarke took a deep breath and pushed the bell. Her heart hammered in her chest loud as a drum. It took Bellamy ten seconds to open the door. He scanned her with his eyes before looking at the car, relief rushing over his face because she hadn’t been stubborn once this one time and let her parents drive her. Clarke kept her gaze on him, trying to read him but failed. He seemed just as nervous as her.

 

When Bellamy let her in Abby pulled back, leaving them alone.

 

Her teeth buried in her bottom lip as she took off her jacket and shoes. Her heart was still beating like she had just ran a marathon. Her nerves were strained to the utmost. She breathed in deeply and smiled nervously at Bellamy,

 

“Hey.”

 

The corner of his mouth pulled slightly up, his eyes fixed on hers when he greeted her back.

 

They didn’t exchange a kiss. Both too nervous and insecure of what was about to come, what they were allowed to do and what not. Without another word Bellamy led Clarke through the hallway into his room.

 

It was small, but Clarke loved it in here. The room didn’t contain much besides a mattress, which was put on pallets, a closet and a desk with a laptop on it. Four bookshelves decorated the walls, just as some old and new pictures of things Bellamy liked, friends and his family – and them.

Clarke swallowed and pushed the upcoming tears away as her eyes captured the picture of them on their first zoo visit. It showed them in front of the panthers. The sun was shining and Bellamy laughed into the camera while Clarke gave him a peck on his cheek, a baby panther and his mother behind them.

 

“Octavia is staying with Harper tonight and mom is working, so ...” Explained Bellamy and pulled Clarke out of her thoughts.

 

“Okay,” nodded the blonde and forced herself to take her eyes off of the pictures.

 

It felt weird. They both felt weird, trying to tiptoe around the subject. The reason Clarke came here in the first place. Their talk. His words. Their fears of losing each other.

 

Clarke didn’t know how to start. Okay, maybe she did, but she didn’t want to. She was too afraid that it would become real. A real threat when she voiced her thoughts. She didn’t want to lose him. But being here, saying nothing but trivial stuff wasn’t helping either of them. So Clarke closed her eyes, gathering up her courage by taking a deep breath before looking at Bellamy who talked first.

 

“I don’t want us to break up Clarke.”

 

His voice was as panicked as Clarke felt. His brown eyes pleading.

 

“Neither do I, Bellamy.” Her words were sad instead this time. Hurt from the things he had said. “But you said those things for a reason and -”

 

“I know. I know and I am sorry Clarke. I- I don’t know what to think anymore. On the one hand I know that my mom is right, that I can’t give you what you want -”

 

Clarke opened her mouth to protest but Bellamy didn’t let her.

 

“- but on the other hand” he pushed further “all I want is to be with you. I want my mom to be wrong.”

 

“She is wrong.” Clarke stated almost desperate because she wanted him to understand that all that matters is them. Their love for each other.

 

Bellamy looked at her intensely, she saw his adam's apple bobbing up and down when he swallowed hardly, his tongue running over the bottom lip. Fear and doubts mirrored in his gaze. Seconds of silence stretched out between them and Clarke held his gaze, her heart beating nervously. She sensed that Bellamy wanted to say something, though he just kept looking at her.

 

“Bell -” Clarke started softly but Bellamy cut her off, his voice rough and thick.

 

“What if I’m not good enough for you?”

 

Clarke blinked, speechless.

 

“I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me. I- I don’t want to pull you down. You deserve so much more then … then this.”

 

He raised his hand, showing around before looking back at her.

 

The blonde swallowed, shaking her head while processing his words. Tears were shining in her eyes as her heart started to bleed. She hated what Bellamy had said. She hated that he thought so little of himself and so high of her. He put her on a pedestal, high above the ground like the princess she wasn’t. Like Clarke was perfect and he was full of failures. Like she was the light and he was the dark. And maybe they were. They were different but just as the dark and the light they couldn’t live without each other. The light needed the dark to shine, to exist. She needed him. Why couldn’t Bellamy see this?

 

Why did he think he knew what was good for her? What she wanted? Why did he have to push her away?

 

Because he wanted to protect her. He didn’t want her to regret anything. He wanted her to be happy. Living the life she always wanted. And yet he didn’t see, he didn’t understand that she was already doing it. She wanted to live with Bellamy. Since she was with him, so many things had changed for her, in a good, really good way. Actually Bellamy knew that. He felt the same. Except that he thought that he wasn’t worth being in her future … being her future. And that hurt.

 

“You aren’t good enough? Are you kidding?” said Clarke slowly, her voice shaking with tears and fear, “You are perfect for me Bellamy! And I am for you. I-I know that you think you bring me down, that I may regret it someday and I’m sure there will be things that I’ll regret. But these things won’t have anything to do with you. I- I _need_ you Bellamy.”

 

Bellamy swallowed, his gaze lost in her eyes. She heard him breathing and a loud drumming sound in her ears. Bellamy’s jaw clenched. He still wasn’t sure if he believed her words. If he was allowed to believe. And he didn’t. Not when the way he said her name was any indication.

 

“ _Clarke -_ ”

 

She shook her head, forcing him to stop without telling him what she thought, how she felt.

 

“No Bellamy. No! Stop it, okay? I don’t want to hear your explanations why we can’t be together. Why we shouldn’t be. I don’t have a doubt when it comes to us okay? I already told you, I don’t care if you have money or not. I don’t care what people say or if you don’t go to college. I. Don’t. Doubt. Us. Of, of course we don’t know what will happen but, but why do we have to ruin what we have right now by thinking about what could be tomorrow?”

 

Her voice was determined, eyes fierce and shining with tears. She almost yelled at him.

 

Bellamy sighed, rubbing his forehead before running his hand desperately through his hair. He walked back and forth in the small room, shaking his head and silence became their guest once again.

 

Suddenly he stopped.

 

His eyes raked over her, a look in them which made Clarke’s stomach clench hard.

 

“Your parents like me?”

 

Clarke nodded. “Yeah, they do and so do I.”

 

She whispered smiling and felt a shiver running down her spine, when Bellamy nodded, his eyes getting dark and fierce.

 

“Actually,” hesitated the blonde, her heart jumping in its rib cage, “actually, I love you.”

 

It was their first time. They were together for four months and it was the first time Clarke had told him these three magical words. She saw him swallowing, she heard him swallowing and suddenly his eyes stood still. Brown met blue. Something shifted in Bellamy’s eyes and Clarke started feeling nervous. She thought he would say it right back at her. But he didn’t. He kept looking at her and … not that she doubted that Bellamy wasn’t loving her just as much but still, his silence made her feel weird.

 

She bit her bottom lip, tipping from one foot to another, folding her arms over her chest like she wanted to shield herself from whatever was about to come.

 

But nothing happened. Seconds passed by and Bellamy didn’t do or say anything. He just kept looking at her and her body flamed up under his gaze. The heat in her head grew, making her mind fuzzy. Everything was tingling. It was pure torture. Clarke let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding when she couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

 

“You know, if we want to make this work you have to say something too Bellamy.”

 

He stayed silent. Swallowing, then he crashed into her. With two long strides he closed the space between them, taking her face into his hands, pressing his lips hard and desperate on hers.

 

With his force Bellamy pushed Clarke back a little, making her gasp into the kiss. But almost the second Bellamy touched her, her arms throw themselves around his neck, pulling herself upwards, closer into the kiss.

 

His lips were rough and hungry, determined and anything but insecure. His big hands framed her face perfectly, tilting it a little to deepen the kiss. Without asking his tongue entered her mouth, challenging her. A moan escaped Clarke’s throat – or was it Bellamy, groaning into her mouth?

 

Hot and cold chills ran over Clarke’s skin when she felt Bellamy pressing himself closer into her. He bit into her bottom lip, making it hard to breathe for a few seconds.

 

“I love you too.” Bellamy mumbled against her lips, not daring to break the kiss.

 

Clarke smiled, her heart skipping a couple of beats. She didn’t know that a love confession could sound so sweet and … _real_.

 

“God, I love you so damn much.” Bellamy’s hands moved along her neck, over her shoulders to her lower back, pulling her as close as possible.

 

“I don’t want us to break up Clarke. I want to be with you.” Groaned Bellamy and squeezed her ass with his hands.

 

His tongue was strong against hers, before Clarke broke the kiss. Heavily breathing. She felt dizzy, her heart jumped wildly inside.

 

“Me neither,” she whispered huskily, her hands roaming over Bellamy’s chest. “We’ll figure something out.”

 

Bellamy nodded. “I know we will.”

 

Then Clarke pulled Bellamy into another kiss. She wanted it to be soft and gentle but it turned out to be a rough and hungry. It was all teeth and tongue. Desperate, clutching onto Bellamy’s shoulders, low moans escaping the back of her throat when she felt Bellamy’s hands gripping her hard on her waist.

 

“I want you. And only you.” Bellamy’s voice was rough and deep, filled with hunger and his hands roamed just as desperate as Clarke’s over her body.

 

Clarke shuddered and pushed her tongue against Bellamy’s while his hands disappeared underneath her shirt, taking it off of her.

 

With dark eyes he took her in, both heavily breathing. Bellamy licked his lips, eyes hot on her breasts before flickering up into her eyes. Clarke bit her bottom lip, her heart jumping in her chest and the throbbing feeling between her legs became unbearable.

 

Bellamy groaned. “You have to stop doing this.”

 

He looked right at her lips, eyes blown wide and dark.

 

“Why?” Asked Clarke as innocent as possible. Judging by his looks she had a pretty good idea why she had to stop but she wanted to hear it from him.

 

“Because it’s turning me on.” Bellamy growled and freed her bottom lip from underneath her teeth with his thumb before bending down, capturing the lip with his teeth and sucked at it.

 

Clarke felt the heat burning through her body, her hands ran through the thick curls while Bellamy pushed her towards the bed and crawled over her, caging her between his muscled body and the soft mattress. Her eyes raked over Bellamy’s face and only came into a stop when she noticed his fixed gaze on her. His brown eyes were burning a hole into her head. Heat flushed through her all at once. She didn’t feel anything but the urge to have Bellamy as close as possible. They both stared at each other, heavily breathing and not saying anything. At least not with words.

His intense stare didn’t even make her uncomfortable. Quite the opposite – it turned her on. She was incredibly turned on by his glance and the way his body hovered over her. Without second thought she pushed herself up, catching Bellamy’s lips hungrily.

 

Clarke’s fingernails scratched over the fabric of Bellamy’s shirt before she pulled it off. It wasn’t the first time they had gone this far, but they had never gotten any further. But this time it felt like the very first time she laid eyes on his naked abdomen. Like he’d never been this close before – and somehow he hadn’t been.

 

Bellamy let his hands roam over her skin, setting her on fire and leaving her desperate for more. He broke their lips apart and started to pepper her neck with open mouthed kisses.

 

“Gosh Clarke,” mumbled Bellamy and licked a soft spot between neck and shoulder.

“I am sorry for what I said. I want us to be together.” He bit the same spot with his teeth.

“Screw everybody else. It’s just you and me. We -”

 

Clarke gasped loudly, burying her fingernails into his shoulder blades because Bellamy suddenly stopped talking and sucked at the sensitive skin. A new wave of flaming heat pulsed through Clarke’s body, reaching her lower belly, making her even wetter and hotter, more desperate for going further.

 

Her gasp seemed to encouraged Bellamy because he bit down a little harder before letting go, his lips finding new skin to kiss to.

 

“We’ll make it work. Together. We’ll show my mother she is wrong. I -”

 

“Bellamy? Bell -”

Clarke put her hands onto his chest and pushed him away, making him stop talking. Bellamy frowned and opened his mouth to ask but Clarke spoke first. Eyes serious on him.

“Could you please shut the fuck up?”

 

Bellamy blinked in confusion, which made Clarke roll her eyes. Her hands wander over his chest and his shoulders, towards the back of his neck. Her gaze softened and she slowly started to smile.

 

“You need to stop talking and put more effort into _this_ ” Her eyes darted between them. “I don’t know if you have noticed but I am super turned on right now and I’m not sure we can keep going this way if you don’t stop talking. I mean, yes. We’ll figure it out and we’ll make it work. Together and yes I love you Bellamy. But right now I just want … I just want this to be about us and not you talking about your mom and, well … okay, I should stop talking too.”

 

Clarke felt a blush creeping up her neck. She would probably talk their lust down if she continued. She cleared her throat and looked at Bellamy who was still looking at her. He slowly nodded. “Okay.”

 

Then he leaned down until their lips were only a few inches apart. His eyes were still locked with hers. The rain splashed loud against the window. The wind knocked furiously against the walls. Clarke felt Bellamy’s warm breath rushing over her cheek. Her chest touched his while breathing almost silently. Clarke swallowed, not able to do or say anything. It was like Bellamy’s gaze paralyzed her. She was so lost in the moment that she didn’t even really realized that Bellamy’s hand captured her cheek, his thumb gently caressing her skin.

 

Bellamy smiled. And then he was kissing her. Soft and sweet. Unchaste and deep. And it was the sweetest thing she ever tasted. Hesitantly she put more into the kiss, urging Bellamy forward. Piece by piece. Her hands moved down towards his pants, letting her tongue slide into his mouth, making him moan into her. Her fingers fumbled at the belt and pushing off Bellamy’s clothes while feeling his teeth sucking on her lip. Somehow she got rid of the rest of her clothes too and it was all teeth and hands. Without a second thought, without hesitating and without thinking about what they were doing, Bellamy pushed into Clarke for the very first time. Both shuddering and panting.

***********************************************************************

 

The warmth enclosed her like a cocoon. She nuzzled deeper into the blanket, breathing in the familiar scent, which made her heart beat happily in her chest. Silence surrounded her but unlike yesterday it felt good. Safe. Clarke tried to fight her mind, which was telling her to wake up. She just wanted to lay here a little longer. Just a little. It was nice being covered by the soft blanket, having Bellamy’s warm body next to hers.

 

Unfortunately the peaceful moment was over when she heard a phone ringing. Clarke felt a movement next to her; Bellamy who reached for his phone, while she kept her eyes shut. Whoever was calling, it better be important. When Bellamy’s rough voice reached her ears, the blonde felt a hot feeling pooling inside her belly. It reminded her of their last night. Their first time. Her first time. And a promise. A promise that they’ll go through this together. That they’ll show the others how wrong they were about them. They would face it - together!

 

The blonde didn’t pay much attention to Bellamy’s words but recognized the change in his voice. It was thick, heavy, shocked. Clarke turned around, a frown on her forehead when Bellamy sat up straight, swallowing hard before hanging up. He stared at the wall, his face blank.

 

“What happened?” Clarke asked softly and sat up as well, trying not to be terrified by her boyfriend’s expression.

 

Bellamy swallowed, tears burning in his eyes. He didn’t look at her when he answered,

 

“My mom … she’s dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM. OUT! That's it. Bellamy and Clarke didn't break up, but something else happened ... the first death. Sorry guys.
> 
> Thank you for the kind comments on my last chapter and the kudos. It means a lot to me to get your feedback. I hope you liked this chapter. The next one will be placed in 2016 and well, it was the first chapter I wrote for this fiction and it kinda broke my heart...


	4. I'm Just A Coward When It Comes To Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's POV ... the title says everything! We made a little timejump and we will do another one within this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta [Marie](http://theeternaldreamer.tumblr.com) for correcting my mistakes and the wonderful [and-so-we-meet-again](http://archiveofourown.org/users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain) for your feedback.

**July 2015**

The sun was shining down her face, warming up her skin and making her smile. Her fingers were wrapped around a cold glass of ice tea while she had her eyes closed, listening to the singing birds around her.

Clarke sat on the porch by herself while her friends were inside, preparing the food for tonight. They all had gone on a trip for the Independence Day, which was today. It was kind of a tradition for them to celebrate this day together. And because everyone got a few days off from work they‘d decided to visit the cabin Miller’ family owned. It was by the ocean, a two hour's drive away from Arkadia.

It was nice to have them all around and so close because reality got them under control far too often. All of them were busy with their work, building houses or just trying to figure out what they want from their lives. So days like these were very rare and special. It felt just like being back in the good old days, where they were together all the time. It felt good … and yet it wasn‘t. Yet it was completely different.

 

They all brought their significant others and families along this year. So it was much louder in the cabin and more chaotic than it had been in the past. But Clarke didn’t mind. She liked talking with Lincoln about art and playing with her godchild Marie. She also enjoyed talking about the good old times with Monty and joking around with Murphy and Miller. It was nice and yet she felt worse with each day that passed by. It was getting harder and harder to keep up her face, the masquerade she put on when she was around _him_.

Around Bellamy … and his new girlfriend. Gina Martin. A woman whose company Clarke would really enjoy if it wasn’t for the fact that she was with Bellamy. Gina was very sweet, and likable. She was a kindergarten teacher and a passionate musician. Clarke understood why Bellamy was with her. And yet Clarke couldn’t stand her. Not as her best friend’s girlfriend. Not when Clarke still had feelings for him.

 

Because she did. And Clarke hated herself for that. She knew it was ridiculous because Bellamy and her had broken up years ago. They both had moved on. Or at least she thought she did. But even when she was still studying medicine she knew that she hadn’t let him go. That she still had feelings for him, which didn’t go away until now. These feelings were the reason why she always had come back during the breaks. Why she had decided to do her residency at the Arkadia Hospital and not somewhere else.

Because she was still holding onto him. But Clarke never made a move. She always wanted to but she didn’t know how Bellamy felt. She had never been brave enough to tell him that she came back for him, that she wanted to be with him. All they had agreed on were being friends and that’s what they were – best friends. 

And Clarke was grateful for that but at the same time it was her personal hell. Which became even worse when she learned about Gina almost a year ago. It’s been a year and she still hadn’t gotten used to Bellamy and Gina being in love. And they were. They both truly loved each other and that sucked even more. Because if they weren’t, maybe Clarke would talk to Bellamy and tell him what she was feeling. She would have had hope that he felt the same. But he didn’t, because his feelings for Gina were real. Gina was real. So Clarke had to move on for good.

 

And she wanted to move on. She really did. Clarke also wanted to be happy for Bellamy. He deserved a woman like Gina. A love like this. And as his best friend Clarke was supposed to be happy for him. For both of them. And she really tried. It worked lying to herself that the feelings would go away on their own, like they would just disappear and she could be happy and supportive for real. Most of the days it worked.

But then there were days like today, where she needed all her strength to keep it together. It wasn’t that Bellamy and Gina were cuddling and kissing all the time. But even the little things like their smiles and the little pecks made her feel sick, making it hard to breathe. Clarke had to take some time off, being on her own so she could take a deep breath to calm herself down. Two more days. Just two more days and she would be back home, not having to torture herself every time she laid eyes on the couple.

 

Clarke closed her eyes. She had been alone for quite some time now and thought about getting back in when she heard footsteps approaching her. The steps were careful, like the person who did them wasn’t sure if she was asleep or not. So Clarke opened her right eye and looked towards a nervous looking Bellamy. Her heart sank. She swallowed and opened the other eye, trying to put on a casual smile.

 

“Sorry,” said Bellamy “did I wake you up?”

 

She shook her head, not trusting herself with words right now.

 

“Okay,” whispered Bellamy relieved, but still didn’t move an inch. She knew that he wanted something but he was too nervous to ask. Maybe afraid even? Maybe it was because she didn’t say anything. Maybe he felt that something was wrong. That she wanted to be alone and was avoiding him, a little at least.

 

“Can I sit with you for a moment?”

 

Somehow this question broke Clarke’s heart. They used to read each other like their own hand. They used to know when the other person wanted to be alone, what they wanted to say. But this had been a long time ago. Their relationship had changed. So many times. Especially since he was with Gina. Clarke didn’t want it to happen but it did. Sometime and somehow in the past year their relationship changed and it wasn’t the same. They still were best friends, but sometimes they felt like strangers to one another in moments like this.

 

Clarke’s eyes raked over Bellamy who set his eyes on her and while his body stood straight and solid, his eyes gave everything away. He really was nervous. He really couldn’t read her, so he wasn’t sure what her answer would be. And neither was Clarke. Did she want Bellamy to be her company right now? After all she had been thinking in the last few minutes? That she was still in love with him and she wished that she could tell him.

Oh Clarke wished she could just switch off these feelings and be the friend Bellamy needed, that he deserved. But at the moment Clarke couldn’t be this friend. She didn’t want to be this kind of friend. And yet she was desperate to have some time alone with him. They hadn’t been alone since they came here. Since a very long time to be honest, because Clarke tried to avoid situations like this. Situations best friends would be comfortable with, being alone, spending time together, talking.

 

“Clarke?”

 

Bellamy snapped her out of her thoughts.

 

“Hm? Oh yeah. Sorry. Of course.” She moved a little so Bellamy could take a seat on the bench right next to her.

 

He smiled and she returned it but looked at her ice tea a second later. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she breathed in his scent a few seconds later. Everything in her body tickled. Her mind got foggy and Clarke hated her decision immediately. And it got even worse as they sat in silence for quite some time. It killed her. She didn’t feel comfortable like she used to. It made her nervous. Bellamy and her exchanged a short, insecure smile. Which didn’t help at all because - why was Bellamy as uncomfortable as her? Clarke took a big gulp of her tea, when Bellamy decided to break the silence – finally!

 

“So, everything’s okay?”

 

He should have stayed silent. Was everything okay? Seriously? Well, not really but Clarke swallowed and nodded anyway. A scratchy “Yeah” was all she got out of her mouth.

 

“That’s good,” said Bellamy lowly and out of the corner of her eyes she saw that he looked down at his palms, kneading the inside of the left one with his right thumb. He truly was nervous. This and him scratching his neck were signs of pure nervousness. Her heart beat louder, slower. Her eyes flew to his face, trying to read his expression. Something was off. And somehow Clarke didn’t like the feeling.

 

They fell into silence again. And again it was pure torture. It was unbearable, so Clarke was about to stand up but again Bellamy spoke up.

 

“You are my best friend, you know that right?”

 

He looked right at her, face determined and insecure at the same time. It took Clarke a few seconds before nodding again.

 

“I know.” This time her heart beat faster. Her eyes studied Bellamy’s expression. Nervous strikes rolling through her.

 

“And you can talk to me. About anything.” Continued Bellamy and turned his body towards her, looking at her fully.

 

“I-I know.” Repeated Clarke and hated not being able to say more than a few words. She is supposed to say so much more. God, there had been times where Clarke didn’t stop talking to him. Where they chatted all day. And not like this. Silence surrounding them. And everything so insecure and forced.

 

“Okay. Because I have the feeling that something is wrong.” Now his face softened. His gaze was full with care. And before Clarke could say or do anything he pushed further.

 

“If there is something I have done then you can tell me.”

 

Clarke frowned. “I … there isn’t anything.” Except for the ‘I still love you and don’t want you to be with another woman’ part.

 

“Are you sure?” He doubted and she couldn’t blame him. She knew that she behaved different around him.

 

“Because I have the feeling that you are avoiding me.”

 

She was. She definitely was. But she couldn’t tell him, right? She couldn’t tell him how she felt when he was around her or when he was with Gina. It was her burden to bear, not his. So Clarke thought about a different answer. Something he would believe. A lie.

 

Clarke licked her lips and shook her head. “I’m not. I …” She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to lie to him. Tell him she thought about her dead friend Wells or her father. But she didn’t. All she had been thinking in the last few days had been her feelings for the man in front of her. The man who looked at her so carefully and determined, who wanted to make sure she was okay.

 

Finally Clarke sighed. She shrugged with her shoulders and smiled apologizing.

 

“I’m sorry if I made you feel this way. Maybe I’m a little off these days. I don’t know why. But this has nothing to do with you.”

 

Automatically she put her hand over his and caressed her thumb over the tanned skin. It was a move she regretted immediately. Heat rushing up her cheeks, her heart pounded loud and fast, her stomach turned around.

 

“I promise.”

 

She looked right into Bellamy’s face which eyes were laid on their hands before he looked up and swallowed thickly. His eyes were fixed on hers and she could tell how much her words meant to him. That Bellamy believed her because he trusted her. He believed her when she was telling him everything was okay, even though it was a lie. Nothing was okay for her. Not when it came to Bellamy.

 

“Okay,” smiled Bellamy and didn’t break the contact, neither their hands nor their eyes. Seconds passed by and Clarke felt more nervous. Her heartbeat was at its high and her stomach felt like riding a roller coaster. Everything around her vanished. All she could see was his eyes. His damn brown eyes which were telling her how important she was to him. How much he loved her, even when it was in a different way than her love for him.

His eyes which ... which flew to her lips for a split of a second. It happened so fast that it might never happened at all but then he swallowed thickly and Clarke hold her breath. She looked at Bellamy and saw something glowing up in his eyes. Or maybe she just wished it did? Because he didn’t show any attention to kiss her, which she had been so sure of, and smiled instead. He let go of her hand and nodded.

 

Clarke bit her bottom lip and tried not to feel too disappointed. He wasn’t about to kiss her. He was with Gina. It was just wishful thinking, right? She cleared her throat and let her eyes move along the porch. Her heart still beating loudly, while her mind went crazy, thinking about if he would have wanted to kiss her or not. When the thought of it became too much Clarke decided to break the new created silence by asking if everything was okay with him.

 

Bellamy looked up, eyes a little wider than usually like she caught him at something forbidden. He licked his lips and took a deep breath before answering the question.

 

“I, well I’m not sure.”

 

Her heart stopped.

 

“There, uhm, there is something I want to ask you, if it’s okay.”

 

Her heart started beating faster. She nodded, not letting go of his nervous face. “Of course.” Her voice was a little edgy.

 

Bellamy started fumbling at his pocket, while saying, “I have thought about this for quite some time now and I’m sure I want to but then again I am too afraid of asking because I’m not so sure at all and, well,” he pulled out a small box and Clarke’s heart stopped for good. It was a small casket. One, probably every woman dreamed of getting. The blood stopped rushing through her veins, she stiffened, eyes wide in shock. This couldn’t be ... this couldn’t be an engagement ring. Could it?

 

He turned the box in his hands and looked at Clarke, nervous. Her heart raced like never before. Everything in her body got crazy. She didn’t know what to think. She was afraid of letting her head speak and even more afraid of what her heart had to say, so she just kept looking at Bellamy.

 

“I, I want to ask Gina if she wants to marry me. Tonight.”

 

She felt like she was falling into ice cold water. Her stomach clenched and her heart ached so hard that she thought she was having a stroke. Her fingers were shaking. Her face got blank, just like her mind.

 

“Do you think it’s too early?”

 

Tears threatened to blind her gaze but she couldn’t take it from Bellamy. It was hard to breathe, hard to live at all in this moment. The way he looked at her. Full of concern and so insecure if the timing was right. If he was right. He looked at her like he needed her to say that it was alright. Like these words would save him from drowning. It took Clarke longer than it should have to be able to breathe again, to say something that wasn’t a love confession. Because that was all she could think about right now. That she was in love with him and didn’t want him to marry Gina.

Even though she knew that the next words would be important. The next words would seal the fate she chose. Either way she told him that she still loved him, hoping that there still was a part in him that felt the same or she kept her mouth shut and told him what a good friend, a best friend would say. That everything was right and that she has no doubt of Gina’s answer.

 

Clarke’s eyes dropped to the little box in Bellamy’s hands. How badly she wished he would be asking her right now.

 

She swallowed, forcing herself to help Bellamy fighting his doubts because she loved him. She loved him so much that she wanted him to be happy. She always hated such self-sacrificing people. People who thought so little of their own luck and the worth of it, who put the happiness of the others above their own. But here she was, telling Bellamy what he needed to hear.

 

“She loves you Bellamy” Just like her.

 

“I have no doubts of Gina’s answer. You are a great guy Bellamy. You, gosh can’t you see how incredible you are? You are so sweet and kind and reliable. She loves you. So there is no ‘too early’ … only a too late.”

 

Her heart broke at her last words. It was too late. Too late for them. Too late for her telling him how she felt. How much she wanted to be the woman by his side. Tears burned into her eyes, but she forced them away and put an encouraging smile on her lips.

 

Bellamy’s jaw clenched. He kept looking at her like he wanted to make sure she meant what she just said. He started to nod and let his eyes drop towards the box in his hands. “Only a too late, huh?” He mumbled and something sad was in his voice. Like he was thinking about their past as well. Her heart skipped a couple of beats, her mind raced and she opened her mouth to tell him what she wanted to stay for so long, especially after seeing him looking like this. A little regretful.

 

But Clarke bit her bottom lip. Her throat glued together so she couldn’t say anything. Anything but a “She loves you.”. Because it was the right thing to stay.

She leaned forward then, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek. Eyes closed, throat dry and her heart broke apart the moment her lips left his skin. She smiled, feeling tears coming up and she decided to leave Bellamy alone. She went inside and straight into the bedroom she was sleeping in, before the feelings overcame her and she started to cry. She had made a call, letting Bellamy go for his own good, and now she had to live with it.

 

************************************************

 

**March 2016**

She had decided not to tell him then and she wouldn’t in hell tell him now. Even when her friend’s tried to convince her otherwise. Raven and Murphy looked at her in pity. Clarke swallowed hard and took a deep, shaky breath. Her heart was aching. Her hands sweaty. She could do this. She had to do this. Just a few more hours and everything would be done. Everything would go back to normal … except that it wouldn’t. It would never be the same. Ever again. She knew it but she had to tell herself that she was going to be okay. That _they_ were going to be okay, otherwise she would break down. And if her friends kept looking at her like this she just might.

 

“Clarke,” started Raven softly, but with so much pity that Clarke felt pathetic. Raven stepped closer, “You, you _have_ to tell him.”

 

The blonde shook her head. Holding up her hand to stop the brunette from talking and walking any further.

 

“No. No I can’t. I… it’s too late. I’m not going to tell him on his _wedding day_ Raven! I mean, I have no right to do so. I had my chance. I messed it up. He moved on. And as his friend I should be happy for him. He _deserves_ to be happy.”

 

“But-” started Murphy but Clarke cut him off too. “No John! I’m _not_ going to ruin this day because I’m still in love with him. It’s too late. _I am_ too late. I have to live with it.”

 

Murphy chewed his bottom lip, like he wasn’t sure if he should keep his mouth shut or if he should say what he wanted to say.

 

“Clarke … you, you should really go and talk to Bellamy.” Repeated Raven and Clarke shook her head once again.

 

She swallowed thickly. Couldn’t they leave her alone? It was too late! It was, wasn’t it? Clarke took a deep breath. Or maybe it wasn’t? Why should they keep pushing her to talk to Bellamy? Did they know something that she didn’t? Something about Bellamy? Maybe he didn’t want to get married? Maybe he was waiting for her confession so they could run off? Maybe... no. No she had to stop!

He loved Gina. She could tell by the way he was looking at her. By the way he talked about her. She knew because she had been this woman once. It felt like a lifetime away, but it didn’t prevent from hurting less. It sucked. But like she said, she had messed it up and had to live with what she’d done. She straighten her gaze, before telling her friends,

 

“I won’t Raven. And neither will one of you, okay?”

 

Murphy and Raven shared a questionable look.

“Okay?” Asked Clarke again, more firmly. Arching her right brow, looking at her friends skeptically. They had to remain silent. Today and probably forever. After a while Murphy and Raven sighed resignedly and nodded. “Okay.”

 

“Good.” Clarke took another deep breath, smoothing her dress once more before putting her face up high. “Then let's go to the ceremony.”

 

**********************************************************

 

Fifteen minutes later Clarke felt a thick lump inside her throat, tears burning in her eyes and it was getting harder and harder to breathe while Bellamy was giving his vow to Gina. She felt sick to her stomach and needed all her strength not to rush out of the church. It was harder than she ever thought it would be. Harder than she wanted to admit. Her teary eyes remained on her ex-boyfriend who was looking at his soon to be wife with so much love that it made her feel even worse. She was so jealous. She always wanted to be this woman in front of Bellamy. And not the one sitting in the first row. Clarke bit her bottom lip, trying to suppress a whimper.

 

When she felt a warm and soft hand above her own she looked down and then to it’s owner. It was Murphy, who was squeezing it gently, comforting. He was trying to support her, taking away the pain. Her eyes flickered towards his face and he sent her a small encouraging smile. She swallowed, feeling the tears sticking in her eyes even more now before forcing herself looking back to the ceremony.

 

She cried like most of the guests by the end of the ceremony. But for a whole different reason than the others.

 

*************************************

Breathing was hard. Almost impossible. With every breath she took the stabbing feeling in her guts grew bigger and bigger. Clarke swallowed down the lump in her throat and her heart ached with every beat, while her eyes laid on the smiling bridal couple which was dancing between their guests. Happy and in love.

 

It was more than ridiculous but Clarke thought she should be the woman in Bellamy’s arms right now. She should be dancing and laughing with him. Excited for their future. Of course Clarke knew that she had her chances. She could have told Bellamy about her feelings all those months ago and she always had decided to stay silent. It was the best for him. He always smiled when Gina was around, he was always so happy. She made him happy, not Clarke. And the blonde knew that it was totally wrong to keep holding onto their past but somehow she was too afraid to let go. Even though she knew it would be the best, for her and for the relationship with Bellamy. She had to move on and not keep thinking about what they used to have.

 

And to show her how right she was about thinking letting him go or maybe just to score her off the fate changed the music into “used to” by daughtry.

 

Her whole body tightened while the first lines of the song sank in.

 

_You used to talk to me like I was the only one around.  
You used to lean on me then only other choice was falling down._

 

They used to have everything and she messed it up. It was her fault and Clarke knew that but it didn’t make it any easier. It still hurt like hell. Her throat tightened and tears glittered in her eyes which she tried to hid with a smile when Bellamy caught her gaze. He was swinging Gina over the dance floor and looked at Clarke over his wife’s shoulder. His wife … Clarke wanted to puke. They both looked at each other and it never felt more wrong. His lips curled into a smile, a generous one.

One that always had made her heart jump high out of joy. But not this time. This time her heart got broken. The blood pulsed loudly through her veins. Every beat of her broken heart was louder than the one before. Clarke swallowed and tried to keep up her smile. She really tried to hide her feelings, all her sadness and regret but when Bellamy’s smile changed, just about an inch, into a sad one, she knew that she failed. That Bellamy still knew her and that he probably always would. No matter how hard she tried to trick him … and herself.

 

She broke the contact when his gaze and the feelings inside her got too heavy. Also Murphy caught her attention by plumping into the seat right next to her, which she was secretly grateful for.

 

He looked exhausted and grabbed the beer glass on the table. Clarke chuckled when he didn’t stop to gulp down the golden liquid. When he did, he breathed out heavily and looked at her.

 

“So you still can smile.”

 

Clarke stayed silent and Murphy sighed, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t say you have to stop.”

 

Clarke chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes flickering over the couple of the day. She saw how Murphy followed her gaze and sighed once more.

 

“Would you like to dance?”

 

“No, not really,” mumbled Clarke and took her eyes off of Bellamy who was holding Gina in his arm now while chatting with Miller and Monty.

 

John moved the chair a little closer, putting one hand on the back of Clarke’s seat and leaning on his other arm on the table. He eyed her for a moment, intensively.

 

“I think you should dance Clarke.” His eyes flew over to Bellamy and then back at her. Again she shook her head.

 

“I’m not in the mood John.” Her voice was quiet and she wished he would just leave her alone. Of course she appreciated his offer, the try to change her thoughts into something better but right now all she wanted was to be alone. Suffer in her pathetic self-pity a little longer. But Murphy wouldn’t be Murphy if he would just give up, so he pushed further.

 

“Come on Clarke. You can’t just sit here all night and torture yourself by stalking them all the time.”

 

“I am not stalking them,” hissed Clarke with such a force that made Murphy smile.

 

She knew that Murphy was right. That she was just torturing herself with sitting here and not doing anything but watching. She looked at the bridal couple once more before breathing out heavily.

 

“But you are right.” She pushed the chair back. Murphy frowned, surprised by the power his words seemed to of had on her.

 

“I, I think I should go.”

 

He let his head hang, sighed and rubbed his eyes. “This was not what I meant Clarke.”

 

“No, no I know it wasn’t, but” she swallowed, “but I”, she swallowed again, “I just don’t want to be here any longer.”

 

John looked at her closely, studying her, before breathing through his nose and nodding.

 

“Okay, then let's get you home.”

 

“You don’t have to Bellamy. I -”

She stopped immediately, realizing how she just called Murphy. Sorrow was in his eyes and he opened his mouth but Clarke corrected herself quickly. Her heart pounding painfully.

“John.”

She sighed and swallowed. She had called him Bellamy internally because he always had been the one who brought her home. He always had been the one who let go of everything and made sure she would come home safely.

 

“You don’t have to John.” Tears pooled in her eyes, still thinking about Bellamy who always had been so protective and sweet at the same time.

 

“I can go home by myself.” She put her hand over his one on the table and smiled thankfully. “But thanks.”

 

“I know you can. But we both know that Bellamy would kill me if I would let you.” He grinned playfully and Clarke smiled quietly and tears shined in her eyes once again. Her heart clenched, while she mumbled her return,

 

“I wish he would.”

Her voice was heavy and the knot in the back of her throat grew bigger. She wished it would be like that. That it was the truth, because it would mean that she still was Bellamy’s everything. The one he cared about the most, besides Octavia. It would mean that everything was how it should be, like she wished it was. But a glance over to her former boyfriend showed her that no matter how hard she wished for it, it would never happen. That someone else had taken this place instead. That Gina was his wife, not her.

 

Murphy’s little chuckle snapped her out of her thoughts.

 

“Yeah … me too Clarke. Me too.”

 

It sounded amused, but also sad and pitiful. His laugh faded and turned into an encouraging smile. Then they walked towards Bellamy and Gina to say goodbye.

 

Clarke told herself to hide her feelings and tears, when she straightened herself up and put on a sweet smile as they reached them at the bar.

 

“Hey,” smiled Gina and Clarke knew she had to make it quick, otherwise she would start to cry. And that really was the last thing she wanted to do right now.

 

“Hi,” returned Clarke and avoided looking at Bellamy when she said it,

 

“Uhm, it was a really nice party but unfortunately I have to go.”

 

“Oh no,” complained Gina and looked at the clock on the wall, “It’s just half past twelve. We haven’t gotten the cake yet.”

 

Clarke swallowed. She had to keep holding on to the masquerade. Out of the corner of her eyes Clarke saw Bellamy shifting. She ignored him.

“Yeah, I know and I am really sorry, but I just got a message that there will be an unexpected surgery tomorrow where I can assist, so I think it’s better for me to quit drinking and head home for some sleep.”

 

It was a lie. A pure lie and when Gina pulled her into a hug to say goodbye, Clarke saw into Bellamy’s eyes that he didn’t believe her. That he knew she was lying. She could tell by the way his jaw clenched and his gaze hardened. And her looking sorry and regretfully at him didn’t help convincing him otherwise.

But he didn’t say anything. He just swallowed and Clarke tried to take her eyes off of him but she couldn’t. They kept glaring at each other intensively until Gina ended the hug and made Clarke smile at her. The numb feeling in her gut grew bigger when she saw the honest and generous smile of the brunette.

 

“Thank you for coming.”

 

“You’re welcome.” Clarke tried to mirror her smile but failed. Her heart clenched, she felt so bad for feeling so jealous of Gina who was the nicest person she could imagine for Bellamy to be with. Guilt boiled inside her, so she moved on to say goodbye to the groom, which was the real torture.

 

Her heart beat so fast that it was about to explode. Everything was different now. Nothing was the same anymore. He was married now. He had moved on and she? She was still the pathetic young girl who was still in love with her former boyfriend. Who hadn’t been brave enough to talk to him about her feelings. Her throat was dry and glued together. It was hard to breathe and every fiber of her body was screaming. Her skin was on fire and she felt like bursting into tears within the next two seconds.

 

But she couldn’t show him. She couldn’t let it happen. Clarke wasn’t allowed to break down in front of them. She needed to stay strong like she had been in the past. So the blonde forced her lips into a smile and spread her arms so she could say goodbye to the man in front of her.

 

“Thank you for the invite.” She said and hoped that her voice sounded steadier than she felt. When she put her arms around Bellamy it felt so unreal, so feigned. It felt wrong, like it wasn’t them. Like they were two different people, people who didn’t know each other at all.

 

And yet it felt so good to be in his arms. Having him so close, breathing in his familiar scent and feeling his heat through her clothes, his breath on her skin. It felt like _home_.

 

It took all her willpower not to snuggle into him. Not pulling him closer or to cry into his chest.

 

“Well, thanks for coming,” retorted Bellamy and her heart skipped a beat when she felt his arms wrapping themselves closer around her. He pulled her closer, just for a second and only for her to see (and to feel). One second. He squeezed her, like he wanted to tell her something. Something he couldn’t voice. She was about to melting into his arms when he pulled back, letting her go. Clarke had to resist the urge of pulling him back again. She missed his warmth already.

 

They both looked into each other’s eyes when they pulled apart and this time her smile was small, but it was real. Just like his and a shiver ran down her spine because if they would still be together this would have been the moment he pulled away a strand of her hair and gave her a soft kiss.

 

The sudden memory made her eyes teary again. She blinked and was forced out of the moment by Murphy subtly coughing. Clarke blushed and looked away while Murphy said goodbye to Bellamy as well.

 

“You too?”

 

“Yeah. I’m getting her home. It’s on my way anyway.”

No it wasn't and they all knew.

 

Bellamy gazed towards Clarke for a brief moment, like he wanted to make sure she knew about this. Then he nodded.

 

“Okay. Get her home safe.” He looked at Murphy seriously, almost threatening. But John didn’t seem to be impressed by this gaze. Maybe he had seen it way too often. His eyebrows just scooted up for a brief moment before saying “I will” and turning towards Clarke, ready to go.

 

The blonde wished she could stay. She wished that she could go home with Bellamy but she couldn’t. Never again. So once more she put on a fake smile (one Bellamy probably could look through).

 

“Okay, so … have a good night and I’ll see you.”

 

Bellamy and her exchanged a quick last glance, then her eyes fell towards Gina whose eyes went from Bellamy to her, an indescribable gaze in it, and Clarke felt even worse now. She swallowed and smiled at Gina once more who forced herself smiling back. Suddenly Clarke couldn’t leave fast enough. Her whole body was tensed and it wasn’t until Murphy and her were in the taxi when she broke into tears, sobbing into her friend’s shoulder.

 

This night was the worst night she ever had in her entire life, that’s for sure.

 

*****************************************

 

Three months later Clarke met Lexa Woods and suddenly things didn’t seem so bad anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ... so, what do you think? Why did Raven and Murphy push Clarke to talk to Bellamy?! oO It's going to be a wild ride from now on my fellows, so fasten your seatbelts. And enjoy the ride. Thank you for your comments.
> 
> This was the first chapter I wrote for this fiction, btw.
> 
> Title inspirations so far:  
> Chapter One - "Better Than Me" by Hinder  
> Chapter Two - "Rain" by Bruno Mars  
> Chapter Three - "Like I'm Gonna Lose you" By Meghan Trainor, John Legend  
> Chapter Four - "Always" by Panama


	5. I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten months after Bellamy's and Gina's wedding, Bell gets a phone call that will turn his life upside down - once again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by “How to save a life” from The Fray.

**January 2017 - night time**

The sound of his phone reached Bellamy’s ears in the middle of the night. He pressed his eyes closed and cursed himself for not switching it off, otherwise he would keep sleeping. But Bellamy wouldn’t be Bellamy if he had silenced his phone during the night. He was too much of a mother hen for that. He cared for his family and friends (which were his family to be exactly).

Whatever it was, he was there for them, no matter what they needed him for or when they needed his help. That was the reason he didn’t silence his phone. Because Bellamy knew he would feel guilty if one of his friends needed his help in the middle of the night and he hadn’t pick it up. And Bellamy would do everything for them. Like helping Murphy with burying a dead somewhere or picking up Jasper who found himself lost in a city two hours away. Still, it was in the middle of the night and he was asleep. Or had been. Bellamy groaned and turned around to search for his phone. His eyes and mind were still heavy with sleep when he picked up the call, not checking on the caller’s ID.

“Yeah?” Grumbled Bellamy roughly, pinching the bridge of his nose with his index and thumb. Who the fuck was calling in the middle of the night? He wished for the person on the end of the line that it wasn’t a prank but an emergency, otherwise he was going to kill this person.

There were loud and rushed noises at the end of the line. Bellamy frowned. He could hear someone breathing.

“Hello?” Bellamy asked and listened to the breathing which was getting faster. The only thing he heard were muffled words with tears and suddenly Bellamy knew who was calling him. It was Clarke. A hyperventilating Clarke breathed into the speaker. Bellamy knew because he would never forget her panic attack when her father had died.

Bellamy was awake immediately. He straightened up while his stomach dropped. His voice and mind sharp, his heart hammered quickly. Something was wrong, god damn wrong! He swallowed and tried to get his heartbeat under control.

“Clarke!” His voice was still rough from hours of sleep, but full with worry now. “Clarke are you alright? What happened?”

Fear that something had happened to her rushed through his body. He was tensed all over, his eyes fixed into the darkness, trying to get anything Clarke tried to tell him. But all he heard was crying and sobbing. He couldn’t catch a single word, besides _“I’m okay”_ and _“I’m sorry”_.

His heart beat in relief when Clarke said she was okay, even though she really didn’t sound like it. Clarke’s breathing was still too fast, too irregular. Bellamy licked his lips and tried making Clarke listen to him, which wasn’t easy because she was hyperventilating and full with panic.

 

“Hey, hey Clarke. Clarke!”

His voice was sharp and determined. She needed to calm down, so he told her how to breathe.

“Just breathe, okay? In and out. Just like me. Okay? In. And out. Slowly.” He breathed into the speaker long and deep and Clarke was doing the same on the other end, thankfully. When she was breathing calmly on her own Bellamy stopped and tried to let out a relieved breath as quiet as possible.

 

Gina, who was sleeping next to him started to stir. She rubbed her eyes and switched on the lamp next to her. When she saw him on the phone Gina frowned, a concerning expression on her face. Slowly she sat up and looked at him in confusion.

“That’s good. Very good.” Said Bellamy to Clarke and asked what happened. He looked at Gina, while trying to understand Clarke’s muffled words. When his wife opened her mouth to say something, Bellamy held up his finger to stop her. He frowned and leaned further into the phone, trying to understand what Clarke was saying.

_“I-I couldn’t. I tried but, Bell- I, she is gone. I … I … I’m – I -”_

She was breaking down again. He heard her shaking and crying, falling apart completely. His heart wrenched at the sound of Clarke’s voice. He swallowed. Bellamy felt a numb pain running through his body at first before his heart beat quickly in its ribcage. He licked his lips and threw the blanket off of him, getting out of bed without looking at Gina. All he could think about was Clarke. She needed his help. His heart kept hammering loudly.

“O-okay, calm down. I, where are you?”

He was afraid of her answer. He was way too familiar with the background noises but he hoped that he was wrong. Still, the bad feeling in his guts didn’t go away. He looked around for his clothes. Where the fuck were his stupid sweatpants? His eyes flew across the floor, when he saw them hanging over the chair. He walked over and stopped dead in his tracks when Clarke sobbed her answer,

_“Ho-Hospital.”_ His heart dropped. Fuck. He felt the blood rushing out of his face.

Bellamy swallowed and took a deep breath. As an intern it wasn’t unusual for Clarke being in the hospital, but he knew that she was supposed to be on vacation with Lexa. Now Clarke was calling in the middle of the night, sobbing and hyperventilating and telling him she was in the hospital. Bellamy had a bad, bad feeling. He tried to stay calm, not to panic as well. He needed to stay focused for Clarke.

“Okay,” started Bellamy after a short moment of silence, “stay there. I’ll come and get you.”

He stuck the phone between his cheek and shoulder so he got into his pants, while Clarke retorted with a painful sounding “Okay”. It made his heart clench. He felt sick to his stomach.

“Good. I’ll hurry.”

Then he hung up, throwing his phone on the bed and got into his hoodie. Then Gina spoke up and Bellamy really noticed her for the first time then.

 

She looked worried at him, “Who was it?”

Bellamy sat down on the bed, putting on his socks while answering her question, focusing on hurrying up. He didn’t want Clarke to wait longer than necessary.

“It was Clarke.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. She, she is in the hospital.” He got up and grabbed his phone from the blanket, leaning over to Gina to give her a kiss.

“I have to go.”

“I’ll come with you.” Said Gina immediately and was about to stand up, when Bellamy told her to stay.

“No!” He knew he was a little too harsh because Gina shrieked. Bellamy ran his hand over his face and sighed. His voice and gaze softened.

“No.” He put his hand on her cheek. “Stay in bed. You’re still sick. You need to rest.”

Then he kissed her once more. “And don’t stay awake, okay?”

He knew that she wouldn’t listen. But he didn’t have the time to argue with her. Gina just nodded and whispered against his lips that she loved him and he should be careful.

Bellamy returned her words and left the bedroom, putting on his shoes and getting into the truck as fast as he could.

************************************************************

The rain was splashing against the window as hard as his heart against its ribcage. Of course it had to rain right now! Bellamy always had been an inpatient driver. And he hated driving during the rain. It remembered him of the day he learned about his mother’s death. His stomach clenched and Bellamy tried to push the memory away. Instead he tried to see anything through the big rain drops. To top it all, the cars in front of him were slow, too slow. Like they were just on the streets to annoy him.

 

“Go the fuck on!” Cursed Bellamy and pressed the horn because the stupid person in front of him didn’t drive on when the lights switched to green.

“Ass!”

His eyes flickering to his cell phone. Checking the time and not wanting to miss any call or message from Clarke. It took him forever to reach the parking lot of the hospital. He was so hyped up that he almost forgot to take out the keys before running into the building. He didn’t say hello to the man on the front desk. Instead Bellamy was rushing through the hallway, his eyes scanning everything and everyone in record time for Clarke.

Bellamy didn’t think about where he went or to just ask about Clarke. He kept rushing through the hallway, his heart pumping the blood through his body loudly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this panicked. Where the fuck was she? The hospital wasn’t such a big place that he had to look for her this long.

Water was dripping down his hair, when he stopped dead in his tracks. There she was, his princess. Her face was full with cuts and bruises, blood spread all over her clothes and she was shaking. Broken, but she was alive. Bellamy’s heart dropped to his stomach. Relief and worry filled him. His eyes took her in. The blonde shining hair, wet and dirty. Her creamy skin, pale and bruised. Her sparkling eyes, empty and full with tears.

Then Bellamy rushed towards her, his steps fastened when she looked up, watching him with a horrified expression. She swallowed, her breath pitching.

 

_“Bell -”_

Within seconds he’d crossed the hallway and wrapped his arms around Clarke’s tiny body. Squeezing her tightly against his chest, feeling her shivering and shaking, crying and gasping. She clenched herself against his shoulders, sobbing into his chest and repeated the words “She’s gone” all over.

Bellamy felt the tears sinking through his hoodie, her small fingers clenching onto him like he saved her from drowning. And probably he did. It broke his heart to see her like this. He pulled Clarke closer, swallowing the lump down his throat because he knew who she was talking about.

“It’s my fault.” Cried Clarke desperately, pushing her face into his chest. “I’ killed her.”

That was the moment Clarke’s legs gave in, she slumped down and Bellamy mustered all his strength to not let her fall. He wrapped his arms closer around her but he didn’t know what to say, so he kept holding her, letting her falling apart in his arms. They stood in the middle of the hallway, while Bellamy held Clarke in his arms and it felt like the time had stopped passing by.

He didn’t know how long they stood there but at some point the tears died down. Clarke was still shaking when she pushed back out of his embrace. But Bellamy didn’t let go of her completely. He kept holding onto her arms. Just to make sure to catch her if she was falling again. His heart shattered into a thousand pieces when he saw her puffed and empty eyes. He raised his hand to push the wet hair out of her face and drying her cheek with his thumb. His lips curled up into a sad smile and then Clarke told him what happened. Her voice broken and hollow.

“We were on our way to the airport and I was, I was driving. She, we fought. It was stupid and I-I should have looked on the street but … and then the car hit us and she, she’s … I killed her.”

Clarke was crying again and Bellamy couldn’t help but look at her in pity. He knew that Clarke hated it. She always had. But when she started to shake Bellamy couldn’t hold onto it and pulled her into another comforting hug. He pressed his lips onto her hair, mumbling that she wasn’t the one to blame. That she was going to be okay. That he was sorry. That they would get through this … together.

*******************************************

Bellamy helped Clarke take a seat in his pickup truck, after the police officer had taken her statement. The cop had been talking to the wideness on the street first before heading over to Clarke and Bellamy in the hallway. When Clarke told the officer what happened, she wasn’t crying at all. She stood steady by herself, except for clenching onto Bellamy’s hand.

 

He looked at her concerned before shutting the door, running around the car and getting inside. It was still raining, when Bellamy started the engine and put his arm around the passenger’s seat, turning his head and let his eyes flicker towards Clarke who starred outside the window, face pale if it wasn’t for the cuts and blood, before he forced himself looking back, driving out of the parking lot.

Silence surrounded them, while the rain splashed against the windows. Bellamy fastened his grip around the wheel, glancing at Clarke carefully, like she was going to break apart any moment. He licked his lips, heart pounding before offering her,

“You, you can stay with us tonight, if you want.”

When he heard her swallowing Bellamy glanced over. Her lips were shaking and she fumbled with the sleeves of her sweatshirt, but nodded. There was a broken “Thanks” and God, he wanted to grab her hand so badly. He wanted to take away her pain, comforting her, do something. Anything.

So he raised his hand to comfort her but when Clarke skidded a little away from him, he stopped himself. She didn’t want his comfort. And it hurt. Probably more than it should be. Bellamy looked at her carefully and it was hard for him to accept her decision.

Her, leaning away from him and wanting to be alone. That was something Bellamy always had been bad in, leaving Clarke alone when she was a mess. Even when she told him that she didn’t want his company, he never liked leaving her. He let out a small sigh and ran his hand through the still wet hair before putting it back onto the wheel. For the rest of the ride he said nothing, even though he heard her silent tears and heavy breathing.

**************************************

When they stepped into the apartment and the light out of the kitchen fell into the hallway Bellamy knew Gina was awake. He sighed and guided Clarke into the kitchen where Gina was already waiting for him. She looked at Clarke in shock and got onto her feet immediately. She wrapped her arms around Clarke, not caring about the blood on her clothes and holding her tight. Just like Bellamy did. And just like back in the hospital, Clarke fell apart into Gina’s arms.

A muffled scream escaped Clarke’s mouth, while she buried herself deeper into the brunette.

Bellamy swallowed, feeling the lump in his throat getting bigger. Gina and him looked at each other and she asked him silently if this was what she thought it was. If there was hope for Lexa because Gina knew that they wanted to take some time off. And now having Clarke in her arms, sobbing “She’s gone” and having blood all over her, Gina had a pretty good idea of what happened.

Bellamy shook his head.

There was nothing they could have done for Lexa. The car hit her directly and she had died at the accident scene. Clarke woke up in the ambulance on their way to the hospital.

Gina swallowed, nodding hardly and pulling the woman even closer, smoothing the dirty blonde hair with her hand, swaying them slightly back and forth.

With a heavy heart Bellamy watched the scene until he couldn‘t stand it any longer. He got himself out of trance, walking out of the kitchen and leaving them both alone. As soon as he closed the door behind him, as soon as he was alone, he let out a deep breath. His head leaned against the wall, tears burning in his eyes. Bellamy needed a few moments for himself, to process what had happened.

Lexa was dead and Clarke could have been too if it wasn‘t for a guardian angel. The thought alone let his eyes burn harder. Clarke dead … something Bellamy didn‘t want to keep thinking about. No, Clarke was alive. Hurt and broken but she was still breathing. Thank God!

He didn‘t know what he would have done if she, if Clarke … . He had to stop thinking about this possibility because it was too absurd anyway. There wasn‘t a world without Clarke. Bellamy couldn‘t imagine a life without her. He didn‘t want to. So he felt sorry for what happened but at the same time he was so grateful, yeah happy even, for Clarke being alive.

Yet again he was sorry and felt bad for feeling this way because Clarke was a mess. She had just lost her girlfriend. Someone who had been really important to her. Lexa and Bellamy never really got along but she had been a part of their group for over seven months. They both had found a way to live with each other.

Mostly because Bellamy knew how much Clarke loved her. He wanted her to be happy. She deserved it. And now he wasn‘t sure if he would see Clarke ever smile again. She already had lost so much. Her best friend Wells, her grandmother, her father and now Lexa. She was marked and she didn‘t deserve that.

He couldn’t have left Clarke alone in the apartment she and Lexa had been moving into three months ago. He didn’t want Clarke to be alone. Even if she didn‘t want his comfort.

Bellamy pushed himself from the wall, forcing himself to move. He prepared the couch and the bathroom for Clarke, putting out some of Gina‘s clothes because Clarke‘s were covered in blood. 

Before he re-entered the kitchen he paused in the hallway, taking a deep breath. He felt sick to his stomach, as he thought of his best friend behind this door. She lost her girlfriend in a car accident. Tears started to burn in his eyes. He suddenly was standing in his old home, in front of Octavia’s door who had locked herself in after she found out about their mother being dead. Tears of his own had fallen down his cheeks, body shaking. It felt just like back then. The pain because Aurora had been dead, the anger because she left Octavia behind and the fear that he would never be able to make (and see) his sister happy again.

It felt just the same and Bellamy forced the tears down, taking a deep breath and entered the kitchen.

When he re-entered the kitchen both women stood right there where he’d left them. Gina looked at him shortly and Bellamy nodded, telling her everything was ready. Clarke pushed herself out of the hug, apologizing to Gina for ruining her clothes in a raspy voice.

“… and I’m sorry for keeping you up.” She whipped with her fingers over her cheek, while Gina told her off.

“Don’t worry Clarke. It’s okay. I wanted to get rid off of these anyway,” joked Gina and Bellamy grinned. Hoping Clarke would smile a little.

“Thanks,” returned Clarke weakly and Gina nodded.

Clarke turned around and looked at Bellamy with a blank face, swollen eyes and pale skin. Her lips curled into a weak smile and Bellamy had to resist the urge to pull her into another firm hug. The blonde swallowed hard and crackled a “Thanks”.

Bellamy nodded and opened the door when Clarke started walking shakily.

Without any word she walked past him and made her way to the bathroom, while Bellamy looked after her long after she was gone. His jaw was set hard and his heart felt heavy. It was pure torture not being able to take away her pain. Not being able to help her at all. Bellamy was so lost in his thoughts that he shrugged when Gina put her hand on his arm gently, looking from the bathroom door to him.

Her voice was full with pity and she had a lump in her throat herself when she asked,

“What happened?”

To answer her Bellamy swallowed the knot out of the back of his throat.

“They were on their way to the airport when a car hit them. Lexa … Lexa didn’t make it.” He forced himself to take his eyes off of the door and looking at his wife instead, who mirrored his sad expression.

“Poor Clarke,” whispered Gina and leaned against his arm before telling him that Clarke shouldn’t be alone tonight.

Bellamy nodded in agreement, “Yeah”

His voice was low and his eyes back on the bathroom door, where the sound of running water reached them. He was in his thoughts again, worrying about his best friend, so he blinked at Gina in confusion when she told him,

“I think you should stay with her.”

“What?”

Suddenly his gaze was on the brunette. Did he listen correctly? Did Gina just tell him to stay with Clarke over night? Not that he felt uncomfortable with that or that there was something to worry about because of their past but it still surprised him to hear those words from Gina. Although he shouldn’t be because his wife was just this kind of person. Good-hearted, generous and kind.

Bellamy shook his head. “No, I think it’s -”

Gina cut him short. A serious expression on her face. “She _needs_ you Bellamy.”

“Are you sure?” Not that Clarke needed him but that Gina was totally okay with him spending the night with Clarke on the couch instead of being in bed with her.

Gina rolled her eyes, punching his arm. “Yes I am.” She got onto her tiptoes and put a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ll check on her, so you can go change and accompany her.”

“Okay,” whispered Bellamy and bent down to kiss her lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Gina put her hand onto his cheek and rubbed her thumb over his skin. She smiled at him before walking towards the bathroom, knocking on the door before entering. He was alone in the hallway once again.

Again his eyes stayed at the bathroom door a little longer before he let out a deep breath. His heart beat fast and jumped high out of joy. Raven was right, Gina was way too good for him. It took Bellamy some time to start moving again. He walked into the bedroom and took of the bloody hoodie and changed into a clean sweatpants. Then Bellamy sat onto the mattress and rubbed his hand over his face. Weariness sank into his bones and he leaned onto his forearms while letting everything passing by.

When Gina came back he turned around to face her, asking her silently if Clarke was okay.

The woman shrugged and let her hand move over her forehead. “She’s on the couch now.”

That was everything Gina said, she was looking as pale and poor as Bellamy felt. He didn’t notice before and the guilt rushing up on him.

“Are you sure that I don’t have to stay with you tonight? You look pretty worn out...”

His words made Gina laugh. She got into bed and shook her head. “Absolutely not Bellamy. I know you wouldn’t be able to close your eyes knowing Clarke is right next to us, crying. She needs you. More than I do right now.”

She winked and Bellamy chewed on his bottom lip. Still not really convinced, but knowing that Gina was right. Clarke needed someone right now and he wouldn’t sleep anyway. So he nodded slowly and stood up.

“I’ll see you in the morning then.” Bellamy said and rounded the bed to give Gina a kiss. “Try to sleep okay?”

“You too.”

 

With a flattering heart and a sick feeling stomach Bellamy approached the door to the living room. He took a deep breath before knocking softly but entering without an answer after he waited a few seconds.

He spotted Clarke sitting on the makeshift bed/couch, staring into her hands where her fingers clenched onto a necklace. She didn’t cry, she didn’t look up. It was almost unbearable for Bellamy to look at her. Clarke was too empty, too broken, too lifeless. It ripped out his heart. More than ever Bellamy desperately wished he could take away her pain. He wanted to do something … .

In this moment he realized that he still would do anything for her, to protect her. More than for anybody else. That she was still the most important person to his heart … which she shouldn’t be right? He was with Gina … he loved her and Clarke was his best friend but watching her be like this made him feel so utterly helpless and desperate. And all he could do was be there for her, accompany her and knowing that it wouldn’t be enough.

That _he_ wouldn’t be enough!

Slowly Bellamy approached the blonde and sat down right next to her. He licked his lips and opened his mouth but nothing came out, so he closed it. The big lump in his throat made it hard to breathe. Bellamy swallowed hard against the knot and watched Clarke in pity and fear. Fearing that she would never heal from it. That she would never be herself again. His best friend. ( _His_ Clarke.)

Clarke didn’t move away this time. In fact, Bellamy wasn’t sure if she had noticed him at all. They both kept it quiet for a very long time. He heard her thick breathing, her swallowing and resisting not to start crying again. Sometimes she looked up and let her eyes flicker around but they never caught him.

Like it was too painful to look at him. He could sense the sorrow and scooted a little closer to put his arm around her when Clarke burst into tears out of the blue and leaned into him. Her whole body was shaking and she was crying and screaming. Full of pain, a deathly scream of pain. Bellamy shuddered internally and put his arms around her, shielding her from all of the bad in this world.

She sobbed into his shoulder, her fingers clutching onto the necklace Lexa had given her a few months ago. Bellamy swallowed, swaying them just like Gina did earlier. He buried his hand into the blonde curls and listened to her words.

“Why? Why her? She’s dead and I’m not. I just, I can’t. Why Bellamy? Why?!”

Bellamy swallowed and he pressed Clarke closer into his chest. He didn’t know why Clarke survived, why Lexa died. He wished he could turn back time and save them. Both of them.

“I-I don’t know Clarke,” mumbled Bellamy and pressed a kiss into her hair. “I am sorry.”

It took him a while before noticing that he was crying as well. It tore him apart to see Clarke like this, but also the knowing set in that Lexa was gone. Really gone. She was dead and she wouldn’t come back. No matter how unreal it felt and how hard Clarke (and even Bellamy) wanted her to come back – it would never happen.

Pain rushed through his chest and he swallowed thickly. Their love for Clarke had been the only thing they had in common, but it was enough to make it work between them. She had been a part of the group, smiling all the time and was very liked. And now she was gone.

Gone; and the last time they had spoken with each other they fought. It had been a fight about the woman in his arms.

Lexa had wanted to move to San Diego, on the other side of the state's. And planning on taking Clarke with her. Bellamy had told Lexa not to do that. That this was Clarke’s home and that she still was in her residency. But mostly because this was her home! He and the others were her family. And she was theirs … _his_ family. Lexa couldn’t just take that away from Clarke. That was what he had said but he meant himself with it too. He couldn’t live a life in which he wasn’t able to stop by Clarke’s front door whenever he felt to.

But of course, rationally, Lexa had been right about telling him, that this wasn’t any of his business. She even called him out, saying that she was with Clarke and not him.

_“And for the love of God Bellamy, please don’t tell me that you are still in love with her!”_

_“I-no! No, I’m with Gina. But she is -”_

_“Damn right you are! You are **married** , Bellamy. To Gina. Not to Clarke. You had your chance a long time ago. Clarke is mine. She-”_

_“She isn’t **yours** , Lexa! Clarke isn’t a thing you own. She is her own person!”_

_“Then why are we having this talk, huh? It’s her choice to make, not yours!”_

At that memory Bellamy’s stomach flipped upside down and he tried to stop his tears from falling. Lexa was gone now and part of Clarke went with her. For good. It felt like he lost his best friend anyway and he was disgusted by himself for being so selfish.

Clarke’s crying pulled him out of his thoughts.

“I can’t live without her. I- I love her. She can’t be gone.”

Bellamy squeezed her closer and pushed a little so she laid down. He was right next to her, still holding her close and letting her cry in his arms for the rest of the night. Breathing in the blonde hair, feeling the warmth of her body and the salty tears on his skin. And somehow the guilt started growing in his lower stomach. The guilt towards Lexa who was dead. And the guilt towards his wife who laid in their bed alone.

*******************************************************

Clarke stayed for three more days. Three days in which she sat on the couch, staring into nowhere and crying into her friend's shoulders. Or at least that was what Bellamy thought because when he talked to Raven two days after the accident, she told him that Clarke didn’t cry at all. Neither with her nor with one of the others. She was just too brave, trying to be the strong one. But every time Bellamy was with her Clarke was crying. She always put her face into his chest, clenched at his shirt and sobbed heavily. Bellamy wanted to take a few days off but Gina was still sick and had been at home anyway so he decided not to. But that didn’t hold him off to check on his best friend as much as possible.

He called at home at least four times a day and stopped by during lunch break. Gina looked after Clarke in the morning while the others, mostly Raven and Murphy, stopped by in the afternoon until Bellamy came back from work at the evening. They had decided to give Clarke a little space, so it wouldn’t be too much for her. The others would start visiting Clarke when she was back in her apartment.

Which happened to be on the third day after the accident. She told Gina she wanted to go back home. She needed to go back someday anyway. And the sooner the better. Of course Bellamy wasn’t happy with the idea. He wanted Clarke to stay a little longer, keeping an eye on her but she insisted on going back, so he insisted on being the one bringing her home.

And no now they were sitting in his truck, the engine died in front of the complex. Bellamy looked at his friend who got paler with every mile they came closer. He grabbed her hand, making her shrink and snapping Clarke out of her thoughts. Her eyes looked from the building to him with shock and fear.

“Do you want me to go with you?” He asked gently but the blonde shook her head immediately. “No.” Her voice was thick and raspy from all the crying and sobbing in the last three days.

Bellamy bit his lip. He didn’t want to leave her alone right now. He was afraid she would break down again and he wanted to be there for her when it happened. Because it would, definitely. So he pushed a little further, ignoring the sticking feeling in his heart.

“You don’t have to do this alone.”

Clarke stayed silent for a while. She looked at him and forced herself into a smile.

“I know. But … I think I should.”

Bellamy eyed her, thinking about his next words. Trying to help her the best he could. He was so worried about her. He didn’t want to leave her just now. It felt like she wasn’t ready for being alone … which might not be for a very long time. But Clarke was Clarke.

“You can stay with us a little longer.”

Yeah, he wouldn’t give up this easily. He never did with Clarke.

Never.

Except this one time.

He swallowed and remembered how he should have fought for her. For them. But he had been far too young to understand how important she was and always would be for/to him. Again she was smiling. It was a sad one, like all smiles these days. And yet so different from her previously one. Her eyes glitter.

“We both know I can’t.”

He opened his mouth to protest because Clarke was wrong. Gina told him herself that she didn’t feel good about letting Clarke already go. It was okay for him, for both of them, having Clarke on the couch, in their apartment. But before he could say anything Clarke cut him off.

“And I won’t! Gina and you did enough already. Really Bellamy.”

She squeezed his hand softly, but his doubts were still there.  
He looked into her eyes, searching for something that made him believe her words and not letting him feel like a mess. She looked as bad as he felt.  
“It doesn’t feel like it.”

His voice was low and raspy, when these honest words came over his lips and suddenly Clarke leaned over the armrest and kissed his cheek in thanks. His body stiffened, his heartbeat picked up and he swallowed a little when he felt her lips on his skin.

“You did. Believe me. You did good Bellamy.” This time her smile was gentle, comforting. Then she unfastened her belt.

“Okay.” Said Bellamy slowly and fought the urge to tell her to stay. He licked his lips. “But if you need anything -”

“I can call you. I know.”

They exchanged one last smile before she got out of the car, walking with her head held up high towards the main entrance, never looking back at him. Bellamy instead didn’t let go of her, even after she’d disappeared a while ago behind the door. He sighed desperately and grabbed his phone when he got a text. It was from Clarke.

_I’m in. You can leave now Bell. I can still see your car! You creepo ;-)  
Thank you for everything. Tell Gina too. Love u._

_Princess_

The sigh turned into a low chuckle. He looked out of the window one more time, directly to her apartment before pulling back onto the road, a weird feeling in his guts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not saying I am back but the last four The100 episodes gave me a good time and inspiration, though I have to say that I finished this fic to chapter 11 and got stuck with chapter 12 for … I don’t know, almost a year? I tried to continue writing but I didn’t feel motivated enough and somehow I just gave it another try and finished it. Fingers crossed it will stay a while, though I might change a few things because the outlining is “pretty old”. I hope that my words still fit into the story and looking back I probably would decide one or two things differently but like I said, I have more than ¾ of this story finished, so I won’t rewrite it. I will try my best to continue and satisfy you. Thank you so much for reading and tell me your honest opinion. Have a great day and fingers crossed the 100 keeps getting better and better for us blarkes ;-) Love ya.


	6. What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad is doing their best to help Clarke dealing with Lexa's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by “Battefield” from Lea Michele.

_Lexa caressed her thumb over Clarke‘s hand which laid on the armrest, while they waited for the lights going green._

_“I can’t wait to get out of  town and spend two weeks with you on this island,” smiled Lexa and Clarke felt her heart flattering. She turned her gaze from the lights towards her girlfriend, mirroring her expression._

_“Me too.”_

_When the lights turned green Clarke drove on, putting her hand back on the wheel._

_“Bellamy will bite his ass when he sees the pictures of the old altars and temples we’ll see.”_

_Clarke chuckled in anticipation. Bellamy and her had a thing about teasing each other over their holiday experiences. It was like they had a competition – who had the better vacation? Clarke loved sending pictures of ancient buildings and historical locations to her best friend who was the biggest history nerd she knew. And Bellamy wouldn’t stop texting her about the amazing landscapes and different cities she could draw. It was fun and probably annoying for everybody else._

_And it was for Lexa too, because she let out an annoyed groan._

_Clarke knew that Bellamy and her didn’t get along very well. They would never be best friends but they tried their best because she loved both of them. So Clarke felt a little sorry on the one hand, on the other she felt anger rising in her chest. Lexa always had to roll her eyes when it came to Bellamy and his relationship to Clarke._

_“What?” Asked Clarke and couldn’t help herself but sounding a little angry already._

_“Nothing,” retorted her girlfriend and Clarke fastened her grip around the wheel. Of course there was something. And Clarke wouldn’t be Clarke if she would let it die down._

_“There is. Otherwise you wouldn’t have groaned.”_

_Her eyes flickered over to the passenger's seat where she could tell how Lexa fought with herself if she should stay quiet or not. Her jaw clenched and Clarke felt her heartbeat getting stronger. She took a deep breath and looked back on the road, while the silence stretched out between them._

_When Lexa didn’t say anything Clarke couldn’t hold onto herself, “So?”_

_“It’s just … you know what? Forget it.”_

_“No. No I won’t. You are always pissed when it comes to him. You know that he is my best friend.”_

_“Because it’s **always** him Clarke! Every damn time.”_

_“What? It’s not.” Protested Clarke loudly._

_“It is. Bellamy here, Bellamy there. It’s fucking annoying Clarke. You know I love you and I accept that he is still important to you, but I’m sick of it. I know that you have a past together and -”_

_“Oh Gosh not this again.” Grumbled Clarke and rolled her eyes. She looked at her girlfriend._

_“It’s been **years** since we’ve been together Lexa. There isn’t anything but friendship between us, okay?”_

_Clarke’s eyes were fixed on Lexa intensively who held her gaze. Then she swallowed hard and broke the contact. Lexa looked out of the window when she said,_

_“Honestly? It doesn’t feel like it.” Her voice was thick and low. Hurt. Clarke bit her bottom lip and sighed loudly, her heart pounding._

_“I love you Lexa. But if you have this feeling I can’t take it from you. I can only assure you that there isn’t anything between us but friendship. Do we have a past together? Yes. Do we love and care about each other? Yes. But I am with you and he is with Gina and I love you.”_

She grabbed Lexa’s hand and forced her to look at her. Clarke smiled and hoped that Lexa would return it but she didn’t. She just swallowed and looked at her with sad eyes.

_“And yet I feel that he’s more important to you than I am.”_

_Clarke grumbled and let go of Lexa’s hand._

_“You know, it doesn’t matter what I’ll say because you’ll always imagine this. Things that aren’t there.”_

_“They are.” It was two words, quietly spoken but Clarke felt her heart stopped beating like she just got shocked._

_She frowned. “What?”_

_“They are there Clarke.” Lexa sounded sad._

_Clarke swallowed. Her heart started beating again, fast and loud. What was Lexa talking about? Which things were there?_

_“What do you mean -”_

_“He still **loves** you Clarke!” Shouted Lexa and Clarke’s eyes widened, full in shock. Her throat tightened and she had to swallow while processing Lexa’s words._

_“What?” She sounded more breathless than she should have. Almost desperate._

_Lexa shook her head, hard eyes on Clarke. The jealousy all over her face._

_“And you love him too.”_

_Clarke opened her mouth to say something but she couldn’t bring out a single sound. Her heart raced quickly in her chest, nerves flying under her skin. She looked at her girlfriend in shock._

_Bellamy loved her? Could this be right? Well, she knew he loved her and she loved him but this wasn’t the love Lexa was talking about. It was the kind of love she had been feeling for him for a very long time. But this was the past, right? She was with Lexa now and Bellamy was even married to another woman. He wouldn’t be if he still had feelings for her, right? Lexa just made it up, she put too much into her friendship with Bellamy … right?!_

_Clarke swallowed. She opened her mouth once again and looked at Lexa, trying to tell her she was wrong while her eyes turned even harder and colder, a glimpse of hurt in them. Then there was a dazzling light, a loud bounce and everything went black._

*************************************

It wasn‘t the first time Clarke had lost someone. She had to say goodbye to her childhood friend Wells when she was eight, to her grandmother when she was fourteen and two years after that Aurora Blake had died. Clarke hadn‘t been related to her and they both hadn‘t had a deep relationship but she had been Bellamy‘s and Octavia‘s mother. So of course Clarke had been grieving over her loss, mostly because of Bellamy and Octavia.

Her father had passed away when she had been twenty-two. She had been home for spring break when it had happened. Heart attack at 54 years. And four years later Clarke had to deal with death all over again. It was like death followed her wherever she went. Whoever she loved died. The bringer of death … . And even when she had been to so many funerals before, it wasn‘t getting better or easier.

The pain in her veins and the numbness in her heart. The hollow in her soul. Of course the blonde knew that it would get better. That the feeling would vanish, her wounds would heal … all she needed was time. It’s been three weeks since the funeral and four since the accident.

And while it felt like a lifetime on the one hand, it was like time had stopped since then on the other Clarke’s mother, Abby Griffin, suspended Clarke from work after she returned the next day after the funeral, when Clarke couldn’t go further than the changing room because pictures of what happened scooted up her head.

So Clarke was at home for three weeks now and tried to move on. Which was quite hard because everything in this apartment reminded her of Lexa. Clarke didn’t sleep in the bed anymore. When she was eating she ate on the couch, wearing Lexa’s favorite hoodie.

When she was tired she stayed awake, watching TV as long as her eyes stayed open. But she never went to bed. The blonde tried to avoid the bedroom as much as possible. She couldn’t tell why this room made her feel anxious, reminded her so much of her dead girlfriend but she knew that it hurt to be there, so Clarke didn’t go.

But Clarke wasn’t alone in this. She had her friends who were helping her the best they could. All of them did their best to spend as much time as possible with Clarke. And Clarke was very grateful for the distraction. Everyone did it in their own way.

*************************************

It was storming outside. Rain splashed against her window, a loud thunder rolled through the air. It was midday but dark because of the clouds. The blonde stared at the ceiling, her mind blank. Clarke didn’t know how long she was lying on the couch but it didn’t really matter anyway, did it? She had no place to go or to be. If she wanted she could lay here all day.

Another grumble filled the room – Clarke’s stomach. She hadn’t eaten all day. The last thing she had in her mouth had been an apple and a yogurt yesterday evening. And only because Bellamy had forced her. He was stopping by every day. Always after work – checking on her at least three times a day before.

On most days he brought food along but Clarke mostly didn’t eat much of it. Some days she ate as much as she could, without puking it up later. Which happened more than she wanted. The puking. She didn’t want Bellamy to worry so much so she forced herself into eating when he stopped by. When he was gone it didn’t take long and she ended up over the toilette. It wasn’t that she did this on purpose. Clarke was sick of not being able to eat (or hold it into her stomach) but when she was alone she started thinking about Lexa and … well, then it happened.

Clarke closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and thought about eating the leftovers from Bellamy’s take out when the door rang. It was half past two – who could this be? All her friends were at work and it was too late for the mail. Maybe her mother? Clarke frowned and got up.

“John?” Asked Clarke surprised when she opened the door and saw her friend in front of her. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have to work? Did something happen?”

“Why do you always assume the worst?”

Before Clarke could answer Murphy continued,

“But to answer your questions because we both know how much you hate getting none. Yes, it’s me. I’m here to cheer you up. Nope, I don’t have to work – I took the rest of the day off and nope again, nothing happened. Besides the fucking world decided to end the moment I walked out of the grocery store around the corner and I had to run for my life so I wouldn't get completely soaked.”

He held up a wet paper bag and Clarke didn’t even try to suppress the grin.

“Great that my suffering is making you smile,” snared Murphy with an amused smile on his lips.

“You always cheer me up, you know that.” Retorted Clarke and stepped aside so her friend could walk in.

Murphy snorted while getting out of his shoes and jacket. “Good to know.”

They both walked into her kitchen where he put the bag onto the table.

“Don’t worry I don’t have any real food in here. I’m not such a mother hen as Bellamy,” stated John and got the things out of the bag while Clarke thought to herself that John was just as much of a mother hen as Bellamy. He was just better at hiding it.

At the end a big bucket of ice cream, chocolate syrup and a DVD laid out on her table and Clarke grabbed the movie, laughing.

“Dirty Dancing? Really? I thought you were here to cheer me up.”

“I am.” Murphy snapped the DVD out of her hand and held it up. “Dirty Dancing is known as a classic cheer up movie.”

Clarke frowned. A chuckle escaped her lips and she shook her head, taking the DVD away from her friend.

“It’s not. It’s the cheesiest love film ever. You’re supposed to cry and sigh while watching this.”

Murphy retorted with a stretched out “no” and snapped the box out of Clarke’s hand once more.

“Titanic is the most cheesiest movie where you should cry. Dirty Dancing is classic entertainment.”

Clarke started to laugh. What they were doing was childish, but fun. Something Clarke really needed and they both knew it.

“Well, what’s the ice cream for then?”

“For eating?!” answered Murphy like it wasn’t obvious.

“John, are you serious? Seriously, watching Dirty Dancing while eating ice cream is the most stereotyped thing you can do when your heart is broken. There is nothing funny about it.”

“Well ...” John stuttered and looked between the ice cream bucket, Clarke and the DVD in her hand.

Then she realized something, which created an amusingly shocked face.

“You haven’t seen Dirty Dancing before have you?”

The man in front of her stepped from one foot onto the other and opened his mouth. “I -”

Clarke cut him off, “You haven’t and you have absolutely no idea what this is about.” A grin spread over her lips.

“Well, they don’t have a wide range down there and I was told it’s the best movie for broken hearts.” Murphy defended himself and this time Clarke laughed so hard she dropped the DVD onto the table and held her stomach.

“You are the cutest John.”

He grumbled first but smiled a little when he said, “See, I’m here to cheer you up.”

They ended up on Clarke’s couch a few minutes later. The ice cream bucket between them, while their legs were covered by a blanket and watched Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey falling in love with each other. It was the first time Clarke didn’t think of Lexa when she was alone again after John said goodbye a few hours later, both had hurt stomachs from eating too much ice cream and all their laughing.

*************************************

Raven and Harper had stopped by a couple of times, sometimes Gina was among them, and they made sure Clarke was eating at least something. They cooked in the kitchen together and talked about normal things like work and politics. They talked about rumors and gossip, complaining about their friends or lovers. Which was always thin ice but mostly Clarke succeeded and didn‘t cry.

Of course it made her sad, her eyes teared up and her throat glued together, apart from that her heart ached but mostly she didn‘t cry. And that was something Clarke was proud of. It wasn‘t that she was forgetting Lexa or that she didn‘t miss her anymore but Clarke knew that life went on. Especially for her friends and she didn‘t want them to behave differently around her because of what happened.

She was sick of the pitiful gazes and them avoiding talking about their relationships or problems with their partners. Of course there were times when Clarke busted into tears when Raven complained about her new boss Roan (who loved flirting with Raven and vice versa, that Clarke was sure of) or when Gina discussed with them if she had been right in the last fight with Bellamy. Or when they had dreamily expressions on their faces when they told her about the little things. But Clarke knew she had to deal with it anyway – and the sooner the better.

But still. On some days she preferred spending more time with the boys than the girls. When she didn’t want to talk about girly stuff or knew that one word about love would make her cry harder than any storm could put rain on the earth. They just didn’t really talk about their love lives. Sometimes they didn’t talk at all.

Besides the gambling and cursing when they were sitting on Clarke’s couch, playing the tenth round of Mario Kart. It was nice and easy. Miller, Monty and Jasper came around at least twice a week and brought beer and pizza. They all spend hours in front of the game. It didn’t feel like they behaved differently around her. It wasn’t like they pretended it never happened but they didn’t think too much about what to say or not to say. Clarke felt good when her friends were around and often even after they have left.

*************************************

Octavia and Lincoln tried to include Clarke as much as possible. Maybe it was a Blake thing but Octavia checked on Clarke almost every day, when Clare wasn’t with her anyway because she helped the younger Blake with picking up furniture and decorations for Lincoln and her renovation or Clarke was taking care of her godchild Marie.

And once again Clarke asked herself if it was a Blake thing or just because Marie was turning three in a few weeks and was the most beautiful kid she has ever seen but the little girl never failed to make Clarke smile. 

She had beautiful dark skin, just like her father and the same blue eyes and hair as her mom. Marie reminded Clarke how innocent and lovely the world could be. She loved having Marie around her because then all her heart thought about was this little person. Apart from the thoughts that haunted her when Clarke was alone at night after spending the whole day with the little family.

She had never talked to Lexa about having children and remembering her being with Marie, Clarke was sure that Lexa didn’t want to have any. Not that Lexa couldn’t handle the girl, but Clarke laughed at the memory of Lexa’s face when Marie pooed into her diaper and Clarke was about to change it. And suddenly Clarke asked herself if she would have stayed with Lexa when she told her she didn’t want to have kids. Did Clarke want to have kids?

When she was around Marie she was so sure about that. But then there were days when she heard a kid cry in the supermarket and she rolled her eyes, walking away as fast as possible. So maybe she would have stayed with Lexa because she didn’t want one herself? Or would she have broken up with Lexa anyway because she wanted kids?

Clarke swallowed. It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter because Lexa wasn’t there. She was dead and wouldn’t come back. No matter how hard Clarke wished she would.

*************************************

_“Feel free to come back whenever you’re ready.”_

That was what Abby had said to Clarke after she came back to work the day after the funeral. Clarke had a break down and Abby suspended her from work. She didn’t want to push Clarke and give her as much time as she needed for grieving and healing.

But Clarke couldn’t sit at home any longer. She knew that she wasn’t over it, nowhere near, but she hated doing nothing. She had to move on. She needed to work, to be doing something. Her friends did their best to help her but Clarke knew that she was the only one who could help herself with moving on. And going back to work was the first step.

Her mother wasn’t in town so she couldn’t tell her that she wasn’t ready. It had been six weeks since the accident and all the tears and suffering. Clarke hadn’t told her mother about returning to the hospital, especially not to the night shift. It was like Clarke wanted to confront her demons and bad memories all at once - and alone. So she put on her jacket and found herself standing in front of the car a little later.

Clarke didn’t move. The knot in her throat getting bigger. She swallowed and breathed loudly. It was the first time she stood in front of her car since the accident. The last time she sat behind a wheel was six weeks ago. She drove Lexa’s car because Lexa hated driving during the night but insisted on taking her car. That’s why Clarke’s car was standing like nothing happened. That’s why Clarke survived and Lexa didn’t. Because her car was still standing in front of her.

The lump in Clarke’s throat got bigger. Her heart shuddered in her chest and she felt her fingers shaking, barely able to hold the keys.

Lexa’s car was gone.

Dead.

Clarke’s car was parking in the lot.

Still alive.

Dead. Alive. Dead.

Clarke had called a cab. She wasn’t ready to drive again. She couldn’t face these demons but it didn’t keep Clarke from getting to work. If she wasn’t able to fight the fear in the car, she had to fight against the fear in the hospital.

And on her way to it she won new confidence. Clarke told herself that she could do it. She could face all the bad and deal with it. She had to move on. She had to face it. And she would. So, full of confidence Clarke got out of the cab and – didn’t move. She froze to the ground, listening to the cab driving away, leaving her alone in the front of the building.

Her heart beat in her chest, hard and loud. It was difficult to breathe. She just needed some time. That’s all. No pressure. Just time.

So Clarke took a few moments for herself, preparing her mind and her body to move further but nothing happened. She disobeyed herself. Her own body didn’t listen to her. Clarke told her legs to move but they didn’t.

Her heartbeat quickens and the heat rushed through her. It started in her fingers – the shaking. A few moments later and Clarke felt her knees giving in. She was having a panic attack all over. Hot tears were streaming down her face when she fumbled for her phone, not able to make any movement.

It was hard for Clarke to breathe, even as she told herself how to do it. Like Bellamy had told her the night of the accident. When everything had happened … right here.

Just like back then her fingers chose the contact she trusted the most. The person she needed the most and Clarke knew she could always count on. She called Bellamy.


	7. I’ll be at your door tonight if you need help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy is always be there to safe the day ... at least for one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's POV ... I decided to cut this chapter in two because it's freaking long ... although I am sure that no one really cares for this fiction any more, I had a feeling of updating it and hopefully find new motivation to go back to Chapter 13 but I'm really far away from this show right now because s5 sucked so hard, big times and I'm not really excited for s6. But still, I do love Bellarke and love reading other people fanfictions :-)
> 
> Thank you for reading and your feedback...and motivation...

“Oh come on! This is _impossible_. You can’t win every stupid card game.”

 

Miller threw his cards onto the table in the staff room of the fire department. Bellamy grinned mischievously and collected the money.

 

“It seems like I can,” joked Bellamy back and looked at his friend. He loved playing card games with Miller. He almost always won. Even in games Bellamy just learned he was better than Miller. Bellamy didn’t know why, he wasn’t cheating or anything but it seemed like he always was the lucky one. And it never failed to light up Bellamy’s mood. Especially when he had a bad day at home. Just like today.

 

Gina and him had … a little discussion about his visiting habit, seeing Clarke before or after work every day. He might had or had not been late to an appointment with his wife because of his best friend. Actually it had been just twice. The first time was three weeks ago when Gina and him wanted to meet at the movies. He had totally forgotten about their date and rushed through the city, arriving twenty minutes too late. The second time he had almost bailed on Gina was last week.

 

Clarke had asked him about stopping by and putting some of Lexa’s stuff away. She wanted to sleep in her bedroom again but she wasn’t strong enough to make this step alone. So he helped her with the boxes and let her cry into his chest, not wanting to rush her when he realized he had to be at home in ten minutes because his parents-in-law would stop by for dinner. He also may or may not have been mentally absent while watching a documentary about Ancient Greek because Clarke was texting him. And yeah, that was what Gina got angry about.

 

It wasn’t like Bellamy couldn’t understand. He got his wife. He totally did, but his best friend needed him and he wouldn’t bail on her. No way! Not after what she had been through. They would go through this together! So yeah, maybe in these days Clarke was more important to him than lazy tv nights or dinner with his in-laws. Also, it was only temporary, right? The worrying about Clarke would lessen when more time passed by.

 

Nathan grumbled something that sounded like “Oh shut the fuck up”, grabbed the cards and complained, “You should be in Las Vegas instead of sitting here with me, getting all the money out of me.”

 

Bellamy barked out a laughter, “But this is more fun.” He winked and waited for the new cards, while his eyes darted to the clock on the wall. It was half past eight in the evening. Their shift was almost over. Bellamy frowned when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. 

When he saw the caller ID his heart skipped a beat - it was Clarke.

 

With an odd feeling in his guts, because of the time Clarke was calling, Bellamy straightened up, his face concerned and glanced at Miller who frowned at him, stiffening the second Bellamy picked up,

 

“Clarke?”

 

Bellamy’s heart beat loudly in its cage, while he held eye contact with Miller whose jaw clenched, as much on the edge as Bellamy. 

On the other end of the line Clarke didn’t answer. She just kept crying, sobbing. Bellamy felt so sick listening to her deep shaky breaths. His voice was worried and he started to push the chair back, ready to go the second she said so. “Clarke, are you alright?”

Shaky breaths. Crying. Then, _“I-I am, I am at the hospital.”_

 

Bellamy’s heart dropped dead to his stomach.

 

 _Not again_ , he thought and swallowed hard, exchanging a serious look with Miller, whose seat was also pushed back.

 

Since the accident everyone was on edge when it came to Clarke. Everyone was worried about her and her saying that she was at the hospital didn’t help minimize these worries.

 

_“I, I tried to work but I, I can’t go inside. I just -”_

 

Clarke sobbed, but Bellamy felt relieved because nothing bad had happened. Not really. Not this time.

 

He let out a silent breath, Miller’s shoulders relaxing a little, even though he didn’t know what happened. Nathan still had the frown on his face, eyeing Bellamy closely, not wanting to miss any little news.

 

“Okay.” Bellamy’s voice was rough, he felt the lump in his throat which he hadn’t noticed being there in the first place when Clarke had called him. He coughed. “It’s okay Clarke. I -”

 

 _“I couldn’t drive, so I took a cab.”_ Explained Clarke further and he literally heard the tears streaming down her face. She was shivering into the speaker. _“C-can you pick me up? Please? I don’t - I wanna go home.”_

 

His heart ached at the sound of her voice. The way she asked, helpless and lost. Insecure if he would do what she was asking for, which hurt the most because - of course he would pick her up. He would do anything for her. And Clarke knew that … usually she did. And the others definitely knew. Which lead to the problems with Gina, but as mentioned - Bellamy didn’t care. Clarke needed him and he wouldn’t leave her alone. So without any second thoughts he told her,

 

“Stay there. I’m on my way.”

 

 _“O-okay. Thank you.”_ Clarke quivered and sobbed before hanging up.

 

Bellamy breathed out loudly and the second the phone left his ear, Miller asked what happened.

 

“Clarke tried to go back to work.” Bellamy rubbed his forehead and pushed his phone back into his pocket. “She can’t go inside and she needs -”

Bellamy stopped and looking guilty at his friend, who nodded shortly before rolling his eyes and sighing dramatically because Bellamy didn’t move and he knew what Bellamy was about to say..

 

“Go!” Miller told him loudly. “Our shift is almost over anyway. I’ll cover the rest up for you.”

Immediately Bellamy jumped out of his seat. “Thanks man. I owe you.”

 

“Damn right you do. Beer. At Grounder’s. This Saturday!” Yelled Nathan as Bellamy was half through the door, rushing towards his car. All he could think about was his best friend crying.

************************************

Bellamy found Clarke a few minutes later on a bench near the hospital entrance. Her arms wrapped around herself because it was freaking cold, so Bellamy’s steps fastened when he saw her shivering.

 

And despite him seeing the tried tears on her cheeks and the puffed eyes, Bellamy couldn’t help himself but feeling a little angry because Clarke waited here in the cold instead of going inside. So the words stumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.

 

“Have you lost your damn mind?”

 

The blonde flinched and looked at his direction.

 

“Sitting here in the cold with this stupid jacket? It’s winter Clarke.” While approaching her Bellamy took off his thick fire jacket. Clarke jumped off the bench, eyes wide.

 

“You are on duty, Bellamy!”

 

“I know princess.” He growled and held out the jacket but Clarke started to deny.

 

“Why didn't you tell me? I don’t want you to get trouble because -”

 

“It’s okay Clarke. It’s almost over anyway.”

 

“No, it’s not. You can’t just leave work because I called.”

 

“Obviously I can.” Bellamy cut her off. “And you better get into the jacket now before I put it on you.”

 

“Bellamy -”

 

“Gosh Clarke just do as I said, okay? You know that I’ll always come for you. You asked me to help. So that’s what I am doing. So get into the jacket before you catch a cold. _Please_.”

 

“I’m fine. You need it -”

 

Bellamy held up his finger to stop her from talking.

 

“If you say I need the jacket more than you do then I’ll kick your sweet freaking ass!” He had a serious expression on his face because he was serious! Why couldn’t Clarke do as she was told for once? He would survive the three minutes in his shirt, but she had been sitting in this ‘jacket’ far too long. He didn’t want her to get ill.

 

“Just get in this jacket or I’ll mother hen the fuck out of you when you are ill! Including watching every historic documentary on Netflix I can find,” threatened Bellamy and his gaze got darker, while his lips curled into a slight smile when Clarke grabbed the jacket immediately.

 

“God forbid. No.” Said Clarke and wrapped herself into the jacket which was way too big for her. Bellamy smiled satisfied and ignored the little warm sting in the pit of his stomach at this sight.

 

“Good,” said Bellamy and put his arms over Clarke’s shoulder, kissing her temple,, “then let’s get you home.”

 

Without another word Clarke walked with him towards his truck. She tried to explain to him what exactly had happened but the tears rolling down her face made her stop. It was just like a few weeks ago when he had picked her up after the accident. Bellamy’s stomach dropped, his jaw clenched and his hand automatically grabbed for Clarke’s. And this time she let him. She didn’t pull away, so he wrapped his hand around her small fingers, squeezing them. Both of them surrounded by silence.

***********************************************

“It was the car.”

“The car?”

Clarke nodded, staring at her third drink she had poured herself while Bellamy was on his second. They both sat on the couch and the tears had tried on Clarke’s face once again.

“Yeah, down in the garage.” She swallowed, grabbing for the glass.

“My car is still standing there like nothing had happened. My car is still here and her’s … she’s gone.” Her voice was rough, thick with new tears. 

“And she is not coming back...no matter what I do. No matter how hard I wish for it.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. She gulped down her drink and wiped over her face furiously. But it didn’t make the tears stop strolling down. It made it even worse.

“I just want her back Bellamy.” 

Bellamy’s heart broke with every second he saw Clarke suffer. He wished that he could take the pain away. He would do anything for his friend. He wished, he wished he could bring Lexa back. If he could he would, even though she wanted to move away with Clarke. He would rather live a life with Clarke living on the other side of the country but being happy than living with him in Arkadia, being broken and lost.

“I know,” mumbled Bellamy and pulled Clarke into another hug. He held her close, hoping to give her at least some sort of safety, of comfort. “I know.”

***********************************************

It was almost an hour later when he noticed Gina’s missed calls. And suddenly he remembered that he should have been home over an hour ago. She probably worried about him. A hot wave of shame rushed through Bellamy when he pushed the recall button. 

Clarke just came back out of the bathroom when he sent the message that he was with Clarke because of her breakdown. 

“Everything okay?” Asked Clarke hesitantly, frowning at his tired expression because he felt tired. He knew that Gina would have a problem with him being with his teenage love because it was always a problem, somehow.

Bellamy took a deep breath, a hand washing over his face before putting the phone away.

“I just forgot to text Gina that I’m with you. She tried to call a couple of times but I didn’t answer because I silenced it and - she was just worried that something happened. But I told her that I’m fine and with you.”

“Oh …” Clarke bit her bottom lip, clearly thinking about something. “Well, I’m fine. You can go back home. I kept you long enough.”

Bellamy studied her, shaking his head. “No, no you haven't. And you are out of your mind if you think I’d leave you alone right now. I texted Gina. She knows. It’s okay.”

“But -”

This got Bellamy out his seat. Within two steps he was in front of Clarke and took her small hands into his.

“No but. It’s okay. I, I don’t want to leave you right now.” His thumbs caressed over her soft skin and his heart jumped a little in pride when her mouth curled into a slight smile.

“I’m not going to kill myself Bellamy. I can look out for myself. I promise.”

He snorted and Clarke punched him in his chest with her left hand, offended. “Hey, I’m a big girl. I don’t need saving from anyone else but myself. I’m a modern princess.”

“I know you are.” Grinned Bellamy and without thinking about it he gently pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. His fingertips stroking Clarke’s face and ghosting over her cheek for a second too long. Something changed. Something in the air. His lungs stopped working while his heart beat too quickly.

It was just then that her hand in his felt different, sending electric waves through his arm, through his body. Her eyes weren’t sad any longer. Something else washed through them. Something like … like hope? Bellamy hardly tightened his grip around Clarke’s hand. He felt how her eyes made funny things to him and then his own eyes fell down to her lips. Red parted lips, rosy cheeks, wide blown blue eyes. His hand which was ghosting over Clarke’s cheek, slowly touched her. He felt the skin underneath his hand, her hair on his fingertips. She was so beautiful. So, so beautiful. She probably always would be. At least for him.

Her lips started to curl into a soft smile, but only to turn into a sad one a few seconds later. Tears burned in her eyes and then she pulled her hand out of his and Bellamy had to muster all his strength not to grab after it, to pull her back because it had felt so good. He saw her swallow and he did the same, taking a step back and letting go of her face.

Maybe she was right. Maybe it was better for him to leave. They both had a few drinks … and somehow Bellamy didn’t trust himself being around Clarke right now. Maybe because of what Gina accused him of? Because of their fights and heavy talks? Which were bad excuses, Bellamy knew, but … he didn’t know, something had just been there. Something he thought had been gone forever!

***********************************************

Bellamy woke up on Clarke’s couch with a little headache and even more backache. It was early in the morning. Clarke and him had stayed awake pretty long. They had watched two movies on Netflix and Clarke felt asleep. He had brought her into the bedroom, throwing the blanket over her small form and cleaned the living room before intending to leave but a loud scream held him back. Clarke had a nightmare and after calming her down he had sat next to her until she fell asleep again. It was half past three in the morning then and Bellamy laid down on the couch. He wasn’t allowed to drive anyway, so he decided it would be better to sleep a little before going home.

He checked on Clarke carefully, who was still sleeping, before he wrote a short note and left the apartment.

On his way home, Bellamy was asking himself if it would have been better not to tell Gina the truth. If it would have been better if he had lied, telling her he had to do a double shift, instead of that he was spending the night with Clarke because she had a breakdown.

 

Usually Gina would understand, but their fights often were about his best friend lately, so maybe it would have been better if he had lied. Of course, Gina and him weren‘t fighting all day but he didn‘t fail to notice her going tense when Clarke‘s name was dropped or that she was holding back whatever she wanted to say.

 

He never had the feeling that his wife had a real problem with Clarke. Actually, they both became friends too but Gina and Bellamy often were against each other lately. It was annoying and Bellamy wanted to fix this but he wouldn‘t let down his best friend to make it better. Not a chance.

 

He could never do that! And yeah, he still was checking in on Clarke every day to make sure she was okay and if he couldn‘t stop by himself, which almost never happened, he ensured that one of the others looked after her. And maybe, just a little, he was asking everyone who had been with Clarke how she was doing. Despite the fact that he was texting with her anyway. Okay, he definitely did these things!

 

So yeah, he probably focused too much on Clarke right now but he couldn‘t help himself to feel so protective of her. She was his best friend and had been through a lot of shit. He just wanted her to know that she wasn‘t alone. That he was always there for her. And didn‘t Gina herself tell him, that Clarke needed him? The accident only had been a month ago. Clarke was still suffering, a lot and way too much if you asked Bellamy. And like hell he would just sit there not doing anything about it!

 

Nevertheless, the rational part of his brain knew that he was way too overprotective. This part could understand Gina completely and told the rest of him to be a little less worried about Clarke and more about his wife and their relationship. That he should spend more time with Gina, just like he should have last night. He remembered her missed calls and then not answering her phone when he called back. She didn’t answer his text either. And she read them, the two blue ticks told him that. What a blessing and a curse this modern technology was.

 

He had texted her around 9.30 pm and she had read it almost immediately. He still hadn’t got any response.

 

Bellamy felt bad. But not because he had stayed with Clarke even after she got better and ensured him he could go back home, which also was a reason but not the main one, but he felt bad because he didn’t feel as guilty as he should be.

 

Still, the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach got bigger as he looked at his phone, noticing Gina being online while he was waiting at the light to go to green. He bit his bottom lip while his eyes were fixed on his wife’s name and the three little dots which appeared and told him, that she was writing something. Suddenly his heartbeat sped up and it was so loud that it was echoing in his ears. Bellamy swallowed and noticed his sweaty palms when the dots disappeared and – nothing happened. No text, no emoji, nothing!

 

Bellamy waited a little longer but no letters appeared on his screen. He swallowed thickly, his heart dropped to his stomach and a loud, almost desperate sigh escaped his lips, “Fuck.”

 

He closed his eyes, fuck he was so screwed, when a honk of the car behind him made him recognize the green color on the light. But instead of going to the right to drive home he moved his car straight forward.

***********************************************

A muffled sound came out of the kitchen’s direction and his heart slipped into his pants once again as he entered the apartment fifteen minutes later. His steps were slow and he tried to prepare himself for the storm that was about to come. Gina was doing the dishes, which she hated and only did when she was really frustrated or angry.

 

Bellamy came into a short hold, eyeing his wife’s back who definitely heard but was ignoring him at her best. Still, Bellamy coughed a little, mostly to get his voice straight, and greeted the woman.

 

“Hey babe.”

 

Gina didn’t turn around, but retorted with a short “Hello”, never stopping washing the dishes. The guilt in Bellamy’s stomach got heavier at this. His chest clenched. Slowly and hesitantly Bellamy walked further into the kitchen, approaching the brunette.

 

“I, uhm,” started Bellamy and stopped an arm's length behind Gina, “I brought a little breakfast.”

 

Even though she was standing with her back towards him, Bellamy raised the left hand with the bag of her favorite muffins and his bagels. Gina didn’t react.

 

“I thought we could breakfast together before you have to work?” Explained Bellamy further, his heart beating nervously up and down. His eyes raked over Gina’s back, who didn’t make any intention to turn around. Bellamy waited and sighed frustrated when there was no reaction, the bag from the bakery and the flowers (he had bought her a bouquet of gerbera, Gina’s favorites) still in his hands.

 

“Look Gina, I am sorry, okay? I know I should have called you immediately and told you where I was but I totally forgot about it when Clarke broke down.”

 

Gina suddenly stopped doing the dishes and put her hands onto the sink’s edge. She sighed quietly. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What?”

 

Bellamy had thought about a lot of things Gina would say to him right now but ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t one of them. The surprised sound of his voice gave away how taken aback he was and that he hadn’t reckoned with it, so Gina repeated her words in a long and loud sigh.

 

“I said, I am sorry.”

 

She turned around, crossing her arms in front of her chest to shield herself. Her eyes were small and a little puffed and Bellamy felt like shit because he knew how little Gina probably had slept last night. He saw it. Gina’s eyes dropped shortly to his hands before looking right back at him.

 

“I, I know that Clarke is going through a rough time and you want to help her because she is your best friend ...”

 

 _but_ , thought Bellamy but didn’t say a word. He kept his mouth shut and listened to his wife’s explanation. He was still processing what was happening because seriously, he thought she was mad at him! He had been so sure that Gina would yell at him and not be like … like this. So quiet and some kind of sad, conflicted. And suddenly Bellamy felt even worse.

 

“… but I can’t … I know that it’s stupid and that I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help myself and feel absolutely and devastatingly jealous of her. Sometimes.” She added and a tortured expression laid down on her face and the guilt Bellamy should be feeling was shining in _her_ eyes.

 

Bellamy swallowed thickly, not able to open his mouth. His heart clenched in his chest, while his eyes were glued to Gina’s. He knew that he had to say something, but his mind just stopped working.

 

When he didn’t say anything Gina started shifting uncomfortablely from one foot to another, breaking and reconnecting their gazes. The silence had surrounded them for a long moment before Gina broke it by pointing at the flowers in Bellamy’s hand.

 

“You brought flowers.”

 

This got him out of his stupor, reminding him that he was still holding the bouquet.

 

“Oh, oh yeah.” He raised his arm and holding the flowers towards Gina, feeling a blush rushing up his cheeks.

 

“They are for you. As amends.”

 

All of a sudden he felt extremely nervous, his gaze shifted insecure from the flowers towards Gina who eyed him intensively before tears filled her eyes and she apologized all over again, walking towards him and throwing her arms around his neck, into a close embrace.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry Bellamy.” Gina sobbed into his neck and Bellamy dropped everything to put his arms around her. He squeezed her as close as possible, breathing in her sweet, familiar perfume and kissing her temple.

 

“You don’t have to apologize, okay? It should be me. I love you Gina and I am sorry for making you worry yesterday.”

 

“I, I love you too. And I know that Clarke needs you more than I do but I ...”

 

She didn’t finish and bit her bottom lip, so Bellamy took her face into his hands and letting his thumbs carefully move over her cheeks. He locked his brown eyes with hers.

 

“Maybe she does, but I need you and I am so tired of us fighting and … please forgive me for being such a bad husband lately.”

 

“You aren’t a bad husband Bell, you brought me flowers.” Gina giggled after a few seconds, which made Bellamy’s heart jump in joy. He smiled, “I did, yeah.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” Whispered Bellamy and placed a sweet and unchaste kiss on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by "Gone Gone Gone" from Phillip Phillips


	8. Loving her was red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy is taking a drink with the guys and the first wedding anniversary went different than expected ;-)   
> Still Bellamy's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your feedback and kind words on the last chapter <3 I hope you like this one even better because for me it was so much fun to write and it's one of my favorites so far... hit me with your thoughts and enjoy.

The weeks that followed were better, more relaxed.

 

Bellamy still checked in on Clarke every day, but he tried not to be such a mother hen anymore. He only texted her twice a day or stayed for no longer than an hour on most days. She was still suffering but Clarke was also getting better. She had started to eat properly (the others were saying that too) and she looked more rested, so Clarke must be sleeping a lot more and much better. These things helped Bellamy to calm down and took a step back from worrying about her. She almost never cried anymore when he was with her and Clarke told him proudly that she started working again.

 

It had been three weeks since the break down and his relationship with Gina wasn’t perfect, but it was better than before her confession. Even though Bellamy tried extremely hard to avoid the topic of Clarke in every way, which wasn’t easy but hey, Gina and him were doing better and this had to be his priority, right?

 

He tried to spend more time with his wife, making up to her for the past, and most of the days everything was fine but sometimes, sometimes Bellamy couldn’t shake off the feeling that it wasn’t.

 

It was the little things like her staring at his phone a little too long and too intensive or peeking over his shoulder, when he was texting someone. She asked to eagerly, why he was smiling when they hadn’t joked around or still stiffened when he talked about Clarke (which almost never happened anymore and if, one of his friends was around). Actually, he only talked about Clarke when someone asked about her and sometimes it was Gina herself who was interested in his best friend’s well-being.

 

But then there were days where he fell in love with Gina all over again. Simple things like cooking together or listening to her complaining about the parent’s of her kindergarten kids. She was so passionate about her job that he couldn’t help but smiling, which made her complain even more.

 

They did have hot and steamy shower sex or a gentle hook ups in the morning.

 

Everything was okay and at the same time it wasn’t.

 

It was confusing and Bellamy didn’t know why. Somehow it didn’t feel right.

 

Usually he would talk with Clarke about it. She was his best friend after all and she always said the right things, which weren’t always the thing he wanted to hear. She had a pretty good and rational view on things but since she was kind of part of the problem, and she had enough things on her own plate, he kept it quiet around her.

 

He didn’t want to burden her and he definitely didn’t want her to feel guilty!

 

So he said everything was fine when she asked because it mostly was fine and he tried not to complain too much about his current situation when the others were around. The less they knew the better.

 

Miller and Murphy were the only ones he talked with about his problems. He said one or two things to Octavia as well but she didn’t know how complicated it really was for him. Of course Miller and Murphy were close to Clarke too, especially Murphy, but Bellamy trusted them. He was pretty sure they kept their mouths shut in front of Clarke.

 

They had decided to meet for a short drink at the bar after work today, so Bellamy texted Gina that he would come home later. He wanted to avoid any misunderstandings.

 

_I’m grabbing a beer with Miller and Murphy. It’s getting late. I love you._

 

Bellamy put his phone back into his pocket without waiting for Gina’s answer and entered the bar ‘Grounder’s’, heading straight towards the table where they were sat almost every time near the bar.

 

Miller and Murphy followed a few moments later, discussing who of their basketball teams would win the game tonight.

 

“Bellamy, could you please tell this dumb ass of a Bull’s fan, that they have absolutely no chance against the league's number two, Boston Celtics?” Greeted Murphy and threw a sour glance towards Miller who just rolled his eyes, shaking his head and took a seat.

 

“You know that he doesn’t have any idea about this sport. His opinion isn’t qualified. It doesn’t matter.” Miller shot back before Bellamy could answer Murphy’s question and was offended by Miller’s words.

 

“Hey! I know _a lot_ about basketball. Thanks to you two.” Bellamy defended himself. These two idiots didn’t have any other topic on these days. Murphy stated,

 

“See Bellamy, that’s why _I am_ your best friend. I know you’re more than qualified to give your opinion.”

 

Bellamy grinned, shaking his head.

 

Miller and Murphy always fought about who his best male friend was. He told them that they both were very important to him but they still made some sort of competition out of it.

 

Thankfully Harper came around to ask for their drinks, except that it wasn’t Harper. A new brown haired, thin woman stood in front of them, holding pen and paper to take their orders.

 

Bellamy frowned and raked his head to look for their friend who usually was working here, while Murphy started flirting with the waitress immediately.

 

“Well, hello new beauty.”

 

The woman stopped chewing her gum. Her eyebrows scooted up in an annoyed and unimpressed way. Miller and Bellamy grinned at each other. Murphy tried to flirt with almost every woman who was nice to look at and he mostly sucked.

 

“Echo” Said the woman shortly (and a little cold) before turning around to Bellamy.

Her eyes took him in, clearly checking him out and suddenly her facial expression changed. She started to smile while leaning herself a little further into his direction; giving him and the other two a pretty good view on her cleavage.

 

Bellamy didn’t fail to notice that she bit into her lower lip before asking in a much sweeter voice what they wanted to drink.

 

“Three beers please.” Ordered Bellamy and added. “Two old fashion and a black bull whiskey.” They always started with these (and ended up doing shots).

 

Echo wrote it down and nodded before looking at Bellamy very seductive once again, asking,

 

“Can I do anything else for you?”

 

She emphasized the ‘you’ clearly and looked intensively at Bellamy while Miller and Murphy didn’t even get a glance.

 

Bellamy felt the heat rushing up his neck and he cleared his throat, negating her question. “No, thank you.”

 

She winked, “Anything for you” and headed away.

 

Bellamy‘s eyes followed her longer than necessary, replaying the moments earlier in his head and earning himself a punch from Murphy, who grumbled,

 

“You are married, man! I can’t believe she was flirting with you! And you stop grinning dumb ass.“

 

Added Murphy at Miller who was grinning from ear to ear, which made Murphy‘s mood even worse. But the man ignored him and eyed Bellamy closely instead. And Bellamy hated it. He always hated it when Miller looked at him this way and he knew what was about to come, even though he hoped Miller wouldn’t start this topic so soon.

 

“Speaking of which,” Miller started and Bellamy held back a groan, “how is she?”

 

“Yeah, are you guys doing better?” Murphy added, all serious now.

 

Bellamy nodded. “Yeah, it’s getting better.”

 

The eyebrows of both of his friends shoot up. They clearly didn’t believe him.

 

“We are doing better guys!” Repeated Bellamy, this time a little more vigorous.

Thankfully the waitress – Echo – stopped by with their drinks, so the attention moved away from him. At least he hoped but since Echo flirted with him all over, the guys were still watching him.

 

“Thank you Echo,” smiled Bellamy politely and the woman winked, putting the drinks on the table. “You’re welcome.”

 

She put napkins in front of everyone and licked her lips before saying that she was behind the bar if he needed anything, then she swayed away – moving her hips with more sway intense than necessary.

 

Bellamy bit the inside of his cheek. It wasn’t that he didn’t flirt anymore or had no fun with it but considering his current semi-stable relationship with Gina, he felt bad for liking it right now. Of course he wouldn’t over cross the line, he loved Gina but he had to be honest, Echo was good looking and -

 

“She gave you her number!” Murphy gasped and got Bellamy out of his thoughts. “What?”

 

“I can’t believe it.”

 

“Her number. On your napkin,” Miller explained and chuckled at Murphy’s dark face.

 

Bellamy hadn’t noticed the numbers on the little cloth, but before he could look at it, Murphy had grabbed the napkin and held it up, yelling towards the bar, “He is married, okay?” and throwing it back onto the table.

“I can’t believe I’m getting ignored like a piece of shit while you're married ass gets all the girls!” Grumbled Murphy and took a large gulp from his beer.

**************************************************************

The subject changed into a lighter one after that. They talked about sports and went on with their jobs, before getting into politics and finally back to their love lives. They drunk more than one beer and Echo didn’t stop flirting with Bellamy but the more alcohol was drunk, the less they all cared.

 

“You know, somehow I can understand Gina,” slurred Miller a little and – there they were at it again.

 

“I mean, she is your wife, right? I would get jealous too if my husband spent more time with his teenage love than with me.”

 

“I’m not spending so much time with Clarke anymore.” Defended Bellamy, but Miller retorted almost immediately.

 

“Yeah, but not because you don’t want to, but because Gina told you. And the time you are spending with Clarke is very … _special_.”

 

Bellamy’s stomach dropped and panic rose in his chest. Miller was right. He was taking a step away from Clarke because Gina told him she was jealous of her and he really enjoyed the time Clarke and him had, because it was special. It always was. He always loved being around Clarke. She was his best friend and she needed him.

 

He tried not to let his mind wander off to the night he had spent with her three weeks ago. Where they had gotten a little tipsy and she had laughed so carefree and had been so, so beautiful that his heart skipped a couple of beats. Or the moment in the living room, where something had been in the air … her glance was too longingly and his heart too delighted. His eyes had betrayed him by looking down at her lips and their joined hands who had found their way to one another.

 

Bellamy was still blaming the alcohol on these things but they were part of why he tried to care less about Clarke. He was with Gina. He had married her. Clarke just lost her girlfriend and got a little drunk. This had nothing to do with some old feelings … right?

 

“I mean, I get that you might feel a little more devoted to Clarke than to Gina currently because it’s complicated at the moment. I mean, she is Clarke, right? You were in love with her for so, so long and you still act like, well ...” Miller abruptly stopped.

 

“Like what?” Pushed Bellamy further, not sure if he really wanted Miller to continue.

 

Miller’s gaze shifted to Murphy for a split of a second who looked almost warning at him and now Bellamy definitely wanted to know.

 

“What? That I am still in love with her? That’s bullshit. I mean, yes, she is my best friend and we have a past, so I guess I will always have sort of feelings for her but I am married, okay? Just because it’s a little rough in the moment it doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife.”

 

Bellamy snapped and felt the heat rushing up his neck. His gaze was hard and furious on Miller because he **was** angry that he assumed him of having feelings for Clarke or having a thing with her while being married.

 

“And also, she had lost Lexa a few months ago. She is still suffering and all I do is try to help her, okay?”

 

Miller stayed quiet, chewing his bottom lip while looking at Bellamy before nodding, grabbing his beer to cheers.

 

“You know what, you are right. I am sorry. I know that you love Gina. I just don’t want you to get hurt – because that’s what best friends do. Looking out for each other.” Added Miller grinning smutty at Murphy, who rolled with his eyes.

 

“I know you do and I love you for that.” Returned Bellamy and they all cheered, tossing down their beer.

 

Bellamy knew what Miller did and he was thankful for his change of topic. Because now Murphy tried to make Bellamy realize that he was his best friend and not Miller … and Bellamy didn’t have to think about the weird feelings he had when it came down to Clarke Griffin.

***********************************************************************************

Bellamy went home shortly after midnight. He drank more than he wanted to, so it took him a little longer to walk home than usually. About a mile away from his apartment his phone buzzed in his jacket and he fumbled it out of his pocket.

 

His stomach clenched and a new wave of warmth rushed through his body when he saw the text on the phone’s screen.

 

_Happy first wedding anniversary you geek._

 

When he started to write back a smile sat down on his lips and he stopped mid sentence and opened the number pad to dial her number. He would tell her how much he loved her and that he couldn’t wait to come home in a few moments to fuck the hell out of her. His blood rushed hot through his veins and he felt it running into his core.

 

“Hey babe”, greeted Bellamy his wife in the deepest and dirtiest voice he had. “I’m almost home and then we can celebrate our day.”

 

_“Bellamy?”_ The voice on the other end of the line sounded confused and so not like Gina.

 

_“Bellamy, are you alright?”_ His heart stopped beating and he freezed to death. Fuck! Fuck he hadn’t dialed Gina’s number. He had called Clarke.

 

_“Bell?”_ She sounded worried now because he hadn’t said anything. He literally had to shake his head to get himself working again.

 

“Um, yeah. Yeah I am alright. I just, um, well, I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

 

She chuckled. _“No, you didn’t. I had just texted you a minute ago.”_

 

Bellamy frowned. “What?”

 

_“I texted you. It’s the 20th of March, right? Your first wedding anniversary.”_

 

He slapped his forehead and cursed his drunken mind for playing with him. It hadn’t been Gina who sent the message but Clarke.

 

_“Are you sure you are okay?”_

 

“Yeah, sorry. I just thought the text – never mind. Thank you princess.”

 

_“You’re welcome … so, how does it feel? Being married for a year now?”_

 

“It’s good. It’s not very different from not being married to be honest but I won’t complain.” Bellamy grinned. “And you are still awake because …?” 

Worries of her not being able to sleep because of new nightmares shot through his body.

 

_“Because I was out with Raven earlier and I just wanted to be the first to congrats you to your wedding day.”_

 

Bellamy smiled. He remembered that Clarke always stayed up late until midnight to be the first to say her congratulations. Even when she was tired as hell, she refused getting into bed. One year, when they were still together, Clarke fell asleep on Bellamy’s chest half an hour before his birthday and she had been so mad at him because he didn’t wake her up. She had been so cute. At this memory alone his body felt a little warmer.

 

“Still the same habit, huh?”

 

_“Guilty as charged. You know me. Old habits die hard.”_

 

He barked out a laughter and asked about her night with Raven.

 

Bellamy sneaked into the bedroom, after finding burned out candles in the kitchen fifteen minutes later. Gina was asleep and honestly, Bellamy was okay with it.

****************************************************

Bellamy buttoned up his black shirt when there was a ring at the door. Who was that? He had no time for anyone’s shit. He had to be at the restaurant in less than an hour and had to pick up Gina’s gift before.

 

They both had texted each other during the day, telling each other how excited they were for tonight and how sorry, that they didn't have time for each other until the evening. At their first wedding anniversary!They exchanged messages and promises had been the reason why Bellamy was grinning like a goof all day, why his heart jumped wildly in his chest. Actually they both wanted to go on a short holiday over this day but they couldn’t manage to get a few days off of work, so it was just dinner at ‘The Ark’, the finest restaurant in Arkadia.

 

Bellamy was surprised when he saw Clarke standing in front him.

 

“Clarke? What are you doing here?”

 

“Hey,” beamed Clarke and put a strand of her hair behind her left ear. 

“I don’t want to delay you for too long. I just wanted to congrats you in person aaaand give you this.” She held out a little package.

 

Bellamy frowned down at it before telling Clarke, “You don’t have to.”

 

“I know, but you are my best friend and it’s your first anniversary. So just take it, okay?”

 

Hesitantly he grabbed the present and insisted on her coming in.

 

“I don’t want to hold you up. I mean, you have your dinner date tonight, right?” She let her eyes scan over his body and somehow Bellamy felt a little uncomfortable. He felt the little blush on his cheeks.

 

“You won't. I still have some time left and I’m almost finished anyway. And I won’t let you go until I know what’s in here.” He shook the box carefully and grinned.

 

Clarke smiled awkwardly and shrugged, “It’s nothing big.”

 

“It’s coming from you, so it’s going to be awesome.” Bellamy stated and moved towards the kitchen. “You want something to drink?”

 

“Um, nope. Thanks.”

 

They both leaned against the kitchen counter and while Bellamy eyed the present, Clarke started to fumble with her fingers.

She was nervous, which made Bellamy nervous as well because what the hell was in this box?

 

He threw Clarke a short glance before unwrapping it. It was a book.

 

He swallowed. It was his mother’s favorite. The Library of Greek Mythology by Apollodorus. She used to read it every time she had been upset or sad or even when she had been happy she read it. Bellamy thought he had lost it years ago.

 

“Where, how, wow. Where did you get this?”

 

This time Clarke definitely blushed. She bit her bottom lip like she used to when she felt uncomfortable and just like always it made Bellamy’s stomach twist a little.

 

“I, well, Mom and Marcus are moving into another house and she told me to look through my old stuff in the cellar and well, you gave it to me when I was studying for a paper and I totally forgot about it and I am truly sorry that I haven’t given it back to you earlier or when I found it but I thought this might be a nice gift. Especially since it was your mother’s favorite and -”

 

Bellamy stopped her by putting his arms around her, lifting her up and holding her as close as he could. His face buried between her neck and shoulder, smiling and tearing up. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

 

“Your welcome,” smiled Clarke right back and returned the hug. Bellamy let himself fall into her arms, taking in her warmth, her scent, her heartbeat and if it wasn’t for Clarke he probably would still be in this position but the blonde slowly pulled away, just a little and smiled almost shyly at him.

 

They smiled at each other and then Bellamy’s eyes betrayed him by falling down to Clarke’s lips. Just for one, maybe two seconds but it was enough to make her stop breathing. He literally heard it. The air changed, he felt the tickling on his skin and the sudden excitement of his heart when Clarke looked at his lips as well. Bellamy swallowed and barely held back the groan when Clarke bit down her bottom lip, looking at him through her long lashes. It had been a total turn on in the past and well, some things never really change.

 

The sound of Bruno Mars ’24k magic‘ broke them out of their moment and Bellamy took a step back, face red and hot as hell, while Clarke answered her phone.

 

Bellamy’s heart beat fast in his chest. His mind ran wildly and his stomach clenched. His look at Clarke was a mixture of guilt and shock. Which turned into confusion when Clarke said, “Okay, okay O. She is going to be okay” in a calming voice.

 

Bellamy tensed and his fast heartbeat got even faster, when Clarke told Octavia to breathe.

 

“Everything is going to be okay. I’m on my way.”

 

Before Clarke ended the call Bellamy asked what happened, his body in an alarming position.

 

Clarke licked her lips, looking twisted at him like she finally realized that he had heard everything. Which he wasn’t supposed to be? She finally sighed.

 

“Marie is in the hospital.”

 

“What?”

 

“Octavia said that she probably drank polish. She didn’t call you because -”

 

“Let’s go.” Bellamy cut her off, grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her with him. He felt his throat tighten and a queasy feeling in his guts. God, he hated hospitals!

*******************************************************************

With fast steps and deep breaths Bellamy walked towards the reserved table at the Ark restaurant where Gina was already waiting for him. His stomach clenched when he saw her pissed off face.

 

“I’m sorry. I came as fast as I could.”

 

Bellamy leaned down to give Gina a kiss, but she backed away.

Her “Oh really?” made Bellamy’s heart drop. He sat down on the other side of the table and caught the empty wine bottle. She hadn’t read his text! Not if the empty bottle and her mood were any indications.

 

“Because you are 40 minutes too late.”

 

Bellamy sighed and apologized once more. “I know, but I texted you. I even tried to call you. But you didn’t pick up and then everything wasn’t more important than her being okay.” He explained himself and reached over the table to put his hands on Gina’s.

 

Her eyes were fixed on their hands and she swallowed thickly before tears burned in her eyes and she told him that she forgot her phone at work. 

She looked hurt when she asked him how Clarke was. Bellamy frowned, not getting why she was asking this out of the blue.

“What?”

“How is your princess?”

“Gina -”

 

“You have been with her right? You can always make it on time for her but when it comes to us -”

 

“Don’t make a scene okay?” Hushed Bellamy a little angry. “Calm down.”

 

“Oh of course, I have to calm down but Clarke can be upset the whole day and it’s okay.”

 

Bellamy’s jaw clenched. He knew that the wine was to blame for this, mostly. But part of this was just what Gina was really thinking lately. Gina was drunk and hurt that he was late on their wedding anniversary date. He got that but he wouldn’t let Gina blame Clarke for this when she wasn’t the reason.

 

He had texted her when Clarke and him were on their way to the hospital. It wasn’t his fault that she didn’t have her fucking phone with her! And it wasn’t like he had forgotten about their date, not really. But when he was with O in the hospital, nothing else matter.

 

“Octavia called, Marie drunk polish and she was in the hospital, okay? Clarke and I were with O because my niece was sick and -” Started Bellamy to explain but Gina cut him off again. Cheeks red, from the wine she had drank, from the hurt she felt.

 

“So you have been with Clarke?”

 

“Are you even listening? Marie was in the hospital! O was wrecked, okay? And you don’t know me very well if you think I wouldn’t do anything I can to help them. If you would have had your phone with you, you would’ve known.”

 

“But Clarke had been with you.” Gina stated. She swallowed. “Your niece is in the hospital and you are picking up Clarke instead of your own wife -”

 

“I didn’t pick her up, okay? O actually called Clarke, not me. I was with her when O called.” Bellamy took a deep breath because he realized how it must have sounded. He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead. He licked his lips- He was getting tired of this. Of them fighting about his teenage love.

“Clarke stopped by shortly to give us her wishes. I was getting ready for tonight. Then O called and I texted you! I came here as soon as I knew Marie was okay.”

“I’m glad that Marie is okay. And I am sorry, but I -”

“No. No buts anymore Gina. I am tired. I am so sick of this shit, okay? Me being late has nothing to do with Clarke. Nothing!” 

 

Gina studied him silently, tears behind her eyes, cheeks red from the wine. Then she whispered, “Everything has to do with Clarke.”

 

That was the final straw. Enough was enough, even when it was their anniversary, even when Gina was drunk!

 

“Stop it, okay? Stop assuming that there is something between me and Clarke. She is my best friend and I am trying to help her. She cares for me and I care about her. If you can’t deal with it, this is maybe our last anniversary.”

 

He regretted his words while saying them. It didn’t take Gina more than two seconds to stand up and rush out of the restaurant. “Fuck!” Grumbled Bellamy. He throw a few bills onto the table before running after his wife, trying to fix whatever was left to be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by "Loving him was red" (Taylor Swift), the cover "Loving her was red" by Tyler Ward.


	9. Holding on and letting go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May turns around and Clarke has some trouble to move on for good ... but thank God for John Murphy, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your reply on the last chapter. It's going to be a slow burn fiction, so there still are some set ups to do, but we will get there, I promise :-) I hope you like the chapter ... Clarke's POV
> 
> Title inspired by "Holding on and Letting Go" from Ross Copperman

‘ Everything is new in May’, right? May. A month in which the spring was coming with all his power. The sun was shining almost every day warming the cold souls and lightening up everyone’s mood. The flowers grew, the birds started singing at five o’clock in the morning. The temperature reached over 74 °F. Clarke was back working on a regular basis and slept through nights again - in her bed. Most of the days she was smiling and tears streamed only down her face when she watched a stupid romance or when Lexa visited her in her dreams. She was still missing her girlfriend, but Clarke knew that it was time to move on. It was time for a new beginning. Because Lexa would have wanted her to.

 

A beginning, without Lexa being next to her, but always being in her heart and a part of the person she was now.

 

Even though Clarke was doing better every day, she wanted to move out. Her friends were still visiting quite often, but Clarke needed to move out. So she could start all over, for real. She needed a place for herself, a place where she could make new memories. She would never forget the memories Lexa and her made in their apartment but that was just it - it had been theirs. And now Lexa wasn’t anymore, so it felt wrong ... somehow.

 

But looking for a new place to live wasn’t as easy as Clarke thought and hoped it would be. She had high standards to the new apartment and the minimus was a bathroom with a window, a balcony or a garden and good traffic connections. Not to mention the rent. Clarke was working in a hospital but she still was an assistant. It wasn’t like she had money to burn. And yes, she refused any financial support from her mother.

 

What Clarke didn’t refuse was her friends helping her finding a new home. Well, actually she didn’t have a choice. Raven found out about her moving plans when she saw the marked ads in the local newspaper. This was 25 days and nine flat viewings ago.

 

“ Come on Clarke, don’t give up. The next one will be yours.” Raven encouraged her when Clarke plumped herself on Raven’s couch after they visited a small flat near the hospital.

 

The blonde grumbled, crossing her arms in front of her chest, “Oh yeah? I think I have seen every available apartment in Arkadia – twice!”

 

Raven rolled her eyes and sat next to her.

 

“ Don’t be so dramatic. It’s not like you  _ have  _ to move out, right? You have no pressure and can take all the time that you want to find something new.”

 

Clarke bit her bottom lip and sighed. “I know.”

 

“ Stop being so impatient. Something great will come along when the time is right.”

 

“ Urgh, have you talked to Bellamy recently? You just sound like him … so fatherly.”

 

The brunette laughed before telling her that, if Bellamy really have said this to Clarke, she wouldn’t have mind. Which made Clarke protest but Raven shot her down with scooted eyebrows.

 

“ But yes, I talked to Bellamy yesterday and no, I haven’t told him about your plan.” Raven added when Clarke was about to speak up.

 

“ Even though I can’t understand why you don’t tell him ... since you tell him everything” Mumbled Raven under her breath but frowned, when she saw Clarke’s worried face.

 

“ What? Did you two have a fight?”

 

“ No.” Clarke clarified quickly but started to fumble with the hem of her shirt.

 

The woman eyed her a little longer, which made Clarke pretty nervous, before breathing out loudly. “Spit it out. What happened?”

 

Clarke bit her bottom lip, debating if she should voice the worries and thoughts she had within the last days.

 

“ Bellamy,” Clarke started slowly and cleared her throat, “well, maybe I’m just imagine things but Bellamy is avoiding me.”

 

Raven blinked in confusion. “No he isn’t.”

 

“ I think he is.”

 

“ How do you tell?”

 

“ Well, he isn’t stopping by anymore. I mean, you all stopped being a pain in the ass and that’s fine but Bellamy doesn’t even text anymore. Not as much as he used to. And -” 

 

Clarke swallowed, feeling her heartbeat getting louder in her ears, “- and I know that Gina and him had a huge fight on their late wedding anniversary date. Because of me.” Guilt spread all over her face.

 

“ We don’t spend time together, alone.”

 

Pushed Clarke further, feeling how the need of letting it all out washed over her.

 

“And when we see each other, it’s different. Kind of awkward. I don’t know. Gina is also weird. I can’t really explain what it is, but I think he avoids me because us being together creates chaos in his marriage with Gina. And I don’t want that, because he is my best friend. But I really do miss him. I’m trying not to … not to write or talk to him so much lately, because I don’t want him to get into trouble. That’s why I haven’t told him. No one knows about me moving out, except you and Murphy.”

 

„ Which I am still mad at you for, that you told him and  _ I _ found out by accident.“ Raven pointed out. „But how do you know about Bellamy and Gina‘s fight, if Bellamy is seeming to avoid you?“

 

„ Miller … last game night. He and Murphy had been the first arriving and I went into the kitchen for beer. When I came back I eavesdropped on them how Miller said, that Bellamy won‘t make it because Gina and him still were on a day trip. And Murphy snorted, saying that they both knew the original reason why he wasn‘t coming. Miller sighed – and I quote - ‚Yeah, I know. The fight about Clarke on their anniversary had been pretty bad. I just think he wants to avoid any further trouble‘.“

 

Clarke felt her chest tightened, just like it did when she heard them talking. She swallowed, looking to Raven who bit her bottom lip before rubbing Clarke‘s leg.

 

„ I‘m sure it wasn‘t that bad. You know Murphy and Miller, they don‘t always stick to the truth and Bellamy isn‘t avoiding you. He might be too busy to answer you. He is taking a lot of extra shifts lately.“

 

„ One of the things he didn‘t tell me neither.“ Mumbled Clarke sourly and ran her hands through her hair.

 

„ You both will get along Clarke. You are best friends. Nothing is going to change that. Not even Gina. Bellamy wouldn‘t let that happen. I mean, it‘s just been a few days, right? He hadn‘t been like this all the time since he‘s with Gina. Everyone has a rough time in relationships. It‘s going to pass and everything will be okay. But if it‘s bothers you that much, maybe you should talk to him.“

 

“ Yeah … yeah, maybe I should.”

 

“ Definitely.” Raven smiled and reached for her phone. Her smile disappeared into a groan.

 

“ What?” Asked Clarke, hoping for a change of thoughts. She didn’t want to think about the current state of her relationship with Bellamy more than necessary. It really pulled her down.

 

Raven shook her head, eyes on the small screen, “Nothing.”

 

This time it was Clarke’s turn to raise her eyebrows. “Nothing?”

 

“ It’s Murphy. He is texting me non stop. I mean , it isn’t  _ that _ complicated to buy tampons, but he -”

 

“ Whoa. Stop, wait, tampons? Murphy is buying you tampons?”

 

“ Apparently he isn’t,” grumbled Raven, like it was just so normal for Murphy buying her hygiene products. And not just some shampoo or conditioner. No, he was buying her that kind of hygiene products you never asked anyone for you to buy … except your mom or your -

 

“ Boyfriend.” Clarke gasped and her eyes widened in shock. “You, you and Mur- oh God Raven, are you  and Murphy a thing?!”

 

Her voice was more off than she wanted to. But not as high as Raven’s “What!?”

 

“ No, oh God no. No Griffin, no! We are not a  _ thing _ . We are just friends.”

 

Clarke’s eyebrows were still up. Raven hadn’t convinced her. “Just friends, huh?” A smug grin started to spread over her lips.

 

“ Reyes, Reyes. You and Murphy.”

 

“ Don’t ‘Reyes Reyes’ me, Clarke. Murphy and I are friends. We all are and -”

 

“ Friends with benefits.” Mocked Clarke and it funny teasing her friend, who clenched her jaw and took a deep breath. Did Clarke hit a nerve?

 

Raven answered with an long and annoyed, “Nooo”.

 

“ He just asked if we want to hang out tonight, because you and Bellamy aren’t the only ones who can spend time alone together without banging each other, and I said he can stop by, but only if he does grocery shopping for me,  _ because  _ I’m spending the day with  _ you  _ and I’m out of tampons, so I put it on the list.”

 

Well, that … made sense. Clarke never really thought about the others seeing each other alone outside the group. It was an odd thought, Raven and Murphy spending time together, but Raven was right, Bellamy and her weren’t the only ones who were friends. Even though their ‘alone time’ was nearly at zero. Clarke pushed the thought as fast as possible away. Instead she focused back on Murphy and Raven hanging out together. She didn’t want to think about Bellamy right now.

 

“So, what is his problem?”

 

Raven rolled her eyes, reading out Murphy’s messages.

 

“ _ WTF, how expensive are these little things? How many do you need? There’s a pack of 100 tampons. Do you need that many? _

 

_ WTF, you have different sizes? Reyes?! Raven, don’t let me hang here girl! _

 

_ Perfect! Now some guys are looking at me, with a smug grin on their stupid motherfucking faces. _

 

_ Holy shit, there is even a pack with over 200?! I mean, yeah, it’s a lot of blood so maybe you need that much? _

 

_ Raven?! Okay, you don’t answer me. This is the last time I’m doing this for you. I’m grabbing a few boxes. I don’t care if you need them all. _ ”

 

Clarke cracked a laughter, picturing John Murphy in front of these tampon packages, not knowing what to do and waiting desperately for help. 

 

**********************************************************************

 

“Okay. Okay, Clarke, you can do this.”

 

The blonde took a very deep breath. One, two, three times. 

 

“Alright.” She mumbled and clapped her hands, rolling her shoulder blades back and nodded, encouraging herself for the last three minutes.

 

“Are you done?” Murphy sneered with crossed arms and a boring facial expression next to her.

 

“Well, it’s a pretty big deal for me, Murphy!” Clarke explained herself, albeit she knew that she couldn't delay it forever. Also, she was the one who asked Murphy for help, although he made her regretting it with his impatience. Like always.

 

They were sitting in Clarke’s car for over five minutes now and nothing had happened so far.

 

Well, for Clarke it  _ was  _ a great progress. She actually sat inside the car and wasn’t crying, which took them almost two weeks. The first time Clarke and Murphy reached the car in the garage Clarke couldn’t step closer than 16 feet. And she had been crying her eyes out for over two hours.

 

About a week ago Clarke managed to stand right next to the car and three days ago Clarke sat down on the driver’s seat for the first time since the accident. 

 

Today she wanted to drive the vehicle. She needed to go back behind a wheel to come to closure with the dramatic memories she had. Also the bus tickets were way too expensive in the long term. 

 

Usually Clarke would have asked Bellamy for help but, well, their situation hadn’t really improved. He was still avoiding her and she? She tried to stay away from him as much as possible. Of course they were still seeing each other, but only if the others were around.

 

Neither of them asked the other one if they wanted to do something on their own. It was weird and sometimes a little awkward but not as uncomfortable as Clarke thought it would be. Maybe she had gotten used to it? Maybe she didn’t let it happen to be uncomfortable because she didn’t want to worry the others … or Bellamy.

 

She knew that he and Gina were going through a rough time. But it looked like they were doing better and better, the longer Clarke stayed away from Bellamy. Clarke knew her decision was right, but she missed him. She missed her best friend so fucking bad. Bellamy, who sent her dorky messages or stopped by with her favorite take out and his favorite movie. She missed spending time with him, complaining about her work and him telling her about his last operation. She wanted him to give her his opinion about the apartments she was viewing and him being the one sitting next to her instead of Murphy. But they weren’t really speaking right now, so it didn’t matter.

 

Murphy made loud snorting noises, earning himself a punch into the shoulder.

 

“Stop it, John!”

 

“Only if you start the engine.” 

 

“I will, okay? I, I just need some time. It’s not so easy, you know?” Clarke snapped and ran her hands through the blonde waves.

 

“Why not? You don’t just forget how to drive.”

 

“You know this is not what I meant.” Grumbled Clarke and hated herself for getting teary eyes again. 

 

The memories of her last drive came back and she avoided looking at her friend, grabbing the wheel as hard as she could. Like she could push away the tears when she was just holding it hard enough.

 

“I know, but you can’t run away forever.”

  
“I’m not -”

 

“Yes, you are! You know that we all love you and that we are here for you, but you can’t expect us to be your Uber for the rest of your life just because you are afraid of driving.”

 

“I don’t expect you to be my Uber, Murphy.” Clarke retorted, setting her jaw hard. 

 

“Then start the fucking engine, Griffin.”

 

Clarke took a deep breath, her heart hammering. She tried to get her emotions under control. Her fingers wrapped even harder around the wheel.

 

“Get it on.” Murphy repeated, but Clarke stood still. “Get.it.on.”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

“No.”

 

“Of course. It’s fucking easy. Just turn the key around..”

 

She shook her head, tears almost dropping out of her eyes which she fixed on the wall in front of her. Lexa always hated parking forward. 

 

_ It’s easier if you’re parking backwards because you can just drive out of the garage and don’t have to set back first. I mean, what if a big, super big and mutated gorilla is chasing you, huh? I can drive away. But you? You have to get out of this parking lot first. So I’ll survive and you don’t. _

 

Suddenly there was a back lump in Clarke’s throat which made it hard to breathe. She swallowed a few times, her heart beating louder and tears pooling in her eyes. And finally they were falling down. One after another. Lexa didn’t survive. She didn’t, even though her car was always parked backwards. She didn’t and Clarke did. She -

 

“Oh God, please stop crying. I -”

 

“Just shut the fuck up, John. Shut.Up! I just can’t go back and drive like nothing had happened, okay? I-” Clarke yelled furiously and was about to scream the fuck out of her friend but his voice drowned hers.

 

“Yes, you can Clarke! I know what the fuck happened, okay? We all know! But this, you not being able to drive, is just because you are telling yourself you can’t. But you can! This is the exact same reason why you don’t find a new apartment.”

 

“And why is that?”

  
“Because you are too fucking scared of letting go!” Murphy yelled back and Clarke stopped.

 

“You always say you want to move on. That you need to find your own way again but it’s nothing but bullshit because I think you don’t want to let go. You don’t want to move out or drive again because it would mean a step into the future, a step away from Lexa. And it’s scary, I’m pretty sure it is but us helping you isn’t going to help, if you don’t let go! You can’t help someone, who doesn’t want to be helped. So, the way I see it - either way you will get out of this car and suffer for the rest of your life in this fucking apartment and lose everything you have, including your good memories of Lexa or you get your shit together and truly do what you say you want to, moving on and starting this fucking car!”

 

Murphy looked at her with a serious expression, while Clarke’s eyes were widened. Her heartbeat slowed down, but never had been so powerful at the same time. His words were running through Clarke’s head and the tears stopped falling down her cheeks. A numb feeling rushed through her, together with the fact that … that John Murphy was right. She was too scared to let go. She knew that she could go back driving on her own and that there had been two or three apartments she would have been dying to have but that she was afraid of letting go … of forgetting. 

 

Because she just knew that time would pass by and that the face was going to vanish, the voice was going to disappear. She would be thinking less and less about her, even though she’ll never completely forget her. Clarke knew that she will heal because she already had lost so many people she once loved. And yes, maybe, just maybe she didn’t want to be healed. Not yet.

 

But John was right. 

 

Clarke closed her eyes. The silence surrounded them and after a long moment she nodded.

 

“You are right.” Her voice cracked. Clarke whipped the wet streams away from her face and she looked into a mixed face of encouraging, regret, sadness and proudness.

 

“I, I am too scared of letting go. You are right. It’s just - I don’t think really often about Wells or my dad anymore. On their birthdays or on holidays of course, but it’s not as much as I used to. I, I don’t think I am ready for Lexa joining them.”

 

She threw him a weak smile and Murphy grabbed her hand, caressing his thumb over her skin while telling her, “The people who love us never really leave. You can always find them in your heart.”

 

The blonde barked out small a laughter. “You are an ass!”

 

Murphy grinned, shrugging. “If a classic Harry Potter quote is making me an ass, then I’m proud to be one.”

 

Clarke chuckled, feeling an unknown weight leaving her chest - finally.

  
After a while Clarke stated, “You know, there truly was an apartment I loved to move in…” 

 

“And?”

 

“A dumbass of me said no.”

 

“Maybe it’s still available?” Murphy suggested and Clarke shook her head immediately. 

 

“I don’t think so. It was a pretty good apartment. I’m sure it’s already taken.”

 

“But you don’t know for sure?”

 

“No.”

 

Murphy nodded, fishing out his phone and handed it towards Clarke. “Here. Call.” 

 

Clarke bit her bottom lip. “You have nothing to lose, right?”

 

Hesitantly she grabbed the phone. A few moments later she talked to Mrs. Betty.

 

“It’s Clarke Griffin. I was at the apartment you have for rent last week and I was wondering if it’s still available?”

 

Her heart hammered in her chest and she couldn’t hold back the smile when the woman told her that it was still free.

 

“Really? Well, could I stop by once again? Yeah, I’m interested. Now? Wow, wow yeah, thank you. Okay, I will be there in about ten minutes? Thank you.”

 

Clarke hung up and beamed into the smirking face of John Murphy, “Ready for a ride?”

 

He chuckled and fastened his seatbelt. “You know I am.”

 

**********************************************************************

 

Two weeks later Clarke and her friends were putting Clarke’s stuff into boxes and drove them ten minutes further into city. Everyone was there to help, so Clarke was very optimistic that they would be finished by late afternoon. It was pretty exhausting but also very fun. It’s always funny when Jasper and Monty joked around and Murphy was the sarcastic ass they all loved. 

 

And yes, Clarke eyed Raven and Murphy more specifically than the others because damn, she would bet her ass that they were having a thing. But if they did, they hid it perfectly. 

 

Who Gina and Bellamy could learn from, because every now and then Clarke watched them being a little irritably to each other or Gina giving Bellamy a serious death glance, who - in return - wasn’t the funniest person around today. At least not when he was with Clarke. His answers were short and sometimes his backlashes were too hard but Clarke did her best to ignore it.

 

Bellamy and Clarke stayed back in the new apartment, working in the kitchen while the others drove back, getting the rest of Clarke’s stuff.

 

They both worked silently in the same room for a while when Clarke plucked up courage and asked gently if everything was okay with him.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Which didn’t sound like it was but Clarke decided to let it go. But only for a few moments, because the uneasy feeling in the back of her neck didn’t go away.

 

“And … how are things with Gina?”

 

Her heart hammered loudly, waiting on the edge for Bellamy’s answer. She hadn’t heard anything about them fighting anymore. Not after she eavesdropped on Miller and Murphy all those weeks ago.

 

“Can’t complain.” Bellamy answered, starting to work on the damaged drainpipe.

 

“Thanks for the talk.” Clarke mumbled underneath her breath and feeling her stomach drop.  Bellamy used to say so much more than just answering her question with two words. And the whole situation was awkward and unbearable. 

 

“What did you just say?” Bellamy asked, a sharp tone in his voice.

 

“That’s good.”

 

Clarke returned and a few incomprehensible words came out from underneath the sink. The blonde bit her bottom lip, trying to hold back her question because she didn’t want Bellamy and her to fight but on the other hand she needed to know if she would still have to stay away from him, so his marriage wouldn’t break apart.

 

She got out of the kitchen and grabbed a new box, before re-entering, asking another question.

 

“So, you guys are okay? It’s just, I saw you and it feels like you’re not. You know that you can talk to me, right?”

 

“You don’t say”, snapped Bellamy darkly and - enough was enough. Clarke slammed the box with cooking pots and pans onto the kitchen table.

 

“Okay, you know what? Stop it. Stop being so bitchy to me, okay? I haven’t done anything to you.”

 

“I’m not bitchy.” Bellamy growled and kept his eyes on the sink’s drainpipe.

 

“Yes, you are. And I don’t know what your problem is. If you have problems with Gina, don’t lash it out on me. If you can’t fix the pipe, it’s okay. I’ll call a craftsman.”

 

“You don’t need to. I’ll fix this.”

  
“Okay, but then please stop being so grumpy with me. Because you are -”

 

“Clarke, I swear to God if you say once more what mood I am in, I  _ will  _ be bitchy.”

 

“At least I would know the reason then.”

 

Clarke shot back, arms crossed in front of her chest, glaring daggers at Bellamy whose jaw clenched dangerously hard. She knew he was on the edge and that it would be better to leave it but she couldn’t. She was angry with him. He had been like this all day and Clarke wanted to know why.

 

“You are like this all day. Being in a shitty mood. I haven’t done anything but here you are, always short answering and almost ignoring me and -”

 

Bellamy threw the tool into the kit and got onto his feet within a blink of an eye. “This is exactly what pisses me off, Clarke! You, not doing or  _ saying  _ anything to me.”

 

Clarke blinked. “What -”

 

“You asked Raven for help. And Murphy! But not me? Your so called best friend!”

 

“You are.”

 

“Oh really? Why haven’t you said anything about moving out? Why did I find out because my sister asked me if I could pick her up instead of you telling me in the first place?”

 

Clarke opened her mouth to answer, but Bellamy cut her short. He was angry. 

 

“When did you stop telling me things, huh? Why?”

 

He was angry and hurt. Just like her.

 

“Why? Are you fucking kidding me? You’re asking me, why I stopped telling you things?”

 

“Fuck, yes! I have absolutely no idea and -”

 

“Because you are avoiding me, Bellamy!” Clarke yelled and to hell with ‘doing what she thought was right’. 

 

“You are avoiding me for  _ weeks  _ now and I didn’t know what to do, especially because I know that Gina and you were fighting about me on your wedding anniversary and I didn’t want to be the reason why you two break apart any longer, okay?”

 

She tried to look angry at her best friend but she couldn’t. Not when she saw his eyes turning sad, regretful. This time it was Bellamy who was taken aback by her words, probably shocked that she knew about something he didn’t want her to and it took him a moment before he opened his mouth again. 

 

“Clarke -”

 

“No, no Bellamy just listen, okay? It, it fucking hurts. It hurts not speaking to you every day. I fucking hate it. You have no idea how it was when I realized that something had changed. Maybe you didn’t want it to happen or me not to notice, but of course I did, because you are my best friend! I’m not stupid, okay? I feel that there is something wrong between you and your wife. I  _ know _ that … that you being friends with me is causing you trouble. And I don’t want that. So yeah, I took a step back, just like you did. Because even if it hurts not being around you as much as I used to, it’s nothing compared to the fact that I am the reason for most of your fights with Gina. I want you to be happy, okay? And if this means I have to step back from our friendship, then I will do it. So -”

 

She took a deep breath,

 

“ _ This _ is the reason why I haven’t told you about me looking for a new apartment. Because I want you to be happy and I would do  _ anything  _ for that.”

 

Tears burned behind her eyes, Clarke swallowed the knot out of her throat and took her gaze from the man in front of her. The man who looked at her with such warm and loyal and sad eyes that her words hurt even more.

 

Moments of silence followed. She heard Bellamy shifting from one foot to the other. She heard him swallowing, his breath just as heavy as her heart. He was looking at her. Clarke felt his eyes on her skin. 

 

“Clarke, I -”

 

His voice was barely a whisper. It was broken. 

 

“Clarke, I’m sorry, I never wanted this to happen, okay? It’s just that -”

 

“We are back!” Jasper’s voice chanted through the hallway and the next second Monty appeared in the door, asking Clarke where they should put the new boxes.

 

Bellamy’s jaw clenched and they both looked at each other one last time, before Clarke turned around, showing Monty where the boxes could be stacked.

 

**********************************************************************

 

It was her first night in the new apartment. Clarke laid in her bed after she walked through her new home and looked at the empty side next to her. Her gaze flew towards the wall behind and a smile spread over her face. Lexa, Wells, her dad and her grandmother as well as her friends and her mother with Marcus were smiling at her. Almost nothing was finished but the wall next to her bed was. The wall where Clarke had put all her favorite pictures of the people she loved. 

 

Her eyes stuck at a picture with Bellamy and her stomach dropped because of their fight in the kitchen, which was left unfinished. She cursed Jasper and the others for interrupting them. She always hated leaving things with no ending, no closure. She had no idea how she should move on from this with Bellamy.

 

She was already drifting off when her phone buzzed her awake. Her heart started to jump wildly when she read the text.

_ Bellamy [10.21pm]: You want to grab some burgers at Grounders tomorrow? _

 

_ Clarke [10.21pm]: What about the others? _

 

_ Bellamy [10.22pm]: Just you and me. _

 

Her heart jumped a little quicker.

 

_ Clarke [10.22pm]: Sounds great to me. Same time? _

 

_ Bellamy [10.22pm]: Same time, same place. As usual. _

 

_ Clarke [10.22pm]: Perfect. Good night Bellamy. _

 

_ Bellamy [10.23pm]: Good night princess. _


	10. You said together, but didn’t mean forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's POV ... he's getting in real trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback so far. I edited this chapter a lot and I'm still not 100% satisfied, but I hope it's good enough for you to like it. Please tell me what you think. 
> 
> Lyrics in this by Queen "Love of my life" and yes, I watched Bohemian Rapsody recently and fell even more in love with this band!
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

Clarke and him were doing better. Ever since they met for burgers after the moving the next day, they were going back to normal. Back to the friendship they had. Bellamy stopped occasionally by with a coffee during Clarke‘s shifts, while Clarke called him every now and then when she was bored or something excited had happened at work. They met every Tuesday, grabbing a burger at Grounder’s if they both hadn’t had to work and met with the others for game night. They were back to feeling comfortable around each other and the guilt Bellamy felt before, was completely gone. Not only because Clarke and him were getting better, but also him and his wife.

Gina spent time with Clarke as well. She even invited her over for dinner or watching movies together. One night, when Bellamy came home after his shift, he found them both pretty drunk in the living room, giggling and sharing details about him and their relationships. Things he really didn’t want to hear. But he was glad that they were getting along. It was about time!

Bellamy tried to spent more of his free time with Gina. He went on a few city trips on weekends or brought her gifts from time to time. They barely fought anymore and started joking and laughing together again. Also Gina seemed to be cool with his refound friendship with Clarke. There weren‘t any signs of jealousy when he hugged Clarke goodbye or when she smiled gently at him - which always warmed up his heart. In a friends kind of way, of course.

Bellamy hadn’t felt so good in a very long time. Everything fell into place, everything was good.

It was almost too good.

Too good to be true.

 

“You know,” said Clarke, taking a deep breath, “you are pretty out of practice for a firefighter.”

She bent over, leaning her hands onto her knees while trying to catch her breath. Sweat was running down her neck and into her cleavage (not that Bellamy was paying extra attention) and a smile was forming around her lips when Bellamy barked out a laughter. Funny, she was the one gasping for air, not him. He was barely out of breath.

“Oh yeah, I am the one out of practice.”

Clarke stuck out her tongue and straightened herself up. She whipped her arm across her face and groaned loudly. „Well, I‘m an intern, I‘m not running on a daily basis.“

Bellamy shook his head in amusement, while opening the building's door. “Maybe you should. Besides, it was your idea start running again.” Bellamy reminded her and chuckled when Clarke walked past him and pain was spread all over her face when she took the first stair step.

“And why did you let me? I thought you are the responsible one?”

“Because you need to stay in shape. But why do I got to be the responsible one? Being a surgeon holds as much responsibility as a firefighter. We both save lives.”

“Yeah, but you are the married one.” Clarke huffed and walked the stairs as fast as she could, Bellamy walking behind her in case she was having a fade out. Which he was really worried about, Clarke seemed pretty exhausted. And he really tried not to watch her ass while following her but, well, she did have a nice backside. He couldn‘t deny that fact!

“Considering that a lot people decide to not get married these days, I would say I‘m the irresponsible one.”

“Whatever,” Clarke huffed and it took them longer than usual to get to the second floor.

Bellamy eyed the blonde carefully, while getting the keys out of his pocket. Clarke stammend her hands against her hips and shook her head. “Never again.”

He laughed, shaking his head in amusement.

“I told you, it‘s a bad idea to start running for over an hour after a long pause. Especially when it’s still this hot.”

“It’s always hot when I am running.” Clarke shot back immediately with a smug grin. Bellamy snorted and earned himself a slight punch against the back.

“Hey”, Clarke protested, “I am pretty hot, okay? Don’t you think I am hot?”

“Oh yeah, yeah, you are hot.” Bellamy grinned back and opened the door to let them in. He threw the key into the bowl next to the entrance and walked towards the kitchen to grab them a cold water.

“Well, I’m super fucking hot Bellamy!” Clarke stated and followed him.

“You are super fucking hot Clarke.” Bellamy repeated and was about to add that he knew what he was talking about when he stopped dead in his tracks - looking into three familiar faces.

“Shit.” Bellamy mumbled and Clarke bumped into him, starting complaining but she quit down, when she looked around him and saw Gina, Octavia and Lincoln sitting at the covered table, clearly waiting for him.

He had forgotten about the dinner with his sister and his brother-in-law. Completely. Two of three faces were smiling at their direction. Gina tensed and forced herself into a smile.

“Hey babe.” Greeted Gina and Bellamy cursed himself for forgetting.

“Hey.” Bellamy said back and cleared his throat, the back of his neck hot as fire. “Sorry, I, I thought the dinner would be tomorrow.”

He really thought it would be the next day. Otherwise he wouldn’t have met with Clarke for a run.

“Obviously, it’s today.” Octavia winked before Gina could answer and she waved at Clarke, greeting her friend with the words, “I hope it’s okay when I don’t hug you right now, because you are all sweaty.”

Clarke shook her head. “It’s fine. Hi Lincoln. Hello Gina.”

“Hello Clarke.”

Bellamy felt bad and he threw his wife an apologetic look, who's glance he couldn’t really interpret.

“Well,” started Clarke after a few moments of silence and cleared her throat, “I think I will leave you now. Sorry for, well, for stealing Bellamy and -”

“You don’t have to leave.” Bellamy interrupted his friend immediately and turned his face around, not noticing his wife tensing up again.

Clarke shot Gina a glance and shook her head at Bellamy. She smiled.

“Thank you, but I’m all sweaty and I want to get out of this sticky clothes. Besides, this is a family dinner.”

Without hesitation, without even thinking, Bellamy answered within a heartbeat, “But you are family.”

Silence surrounded them. All of them. His words had been so determined that no one was about to object. Clarke’s lips twitched into a smile, just for a second. When she opened her mouth, Gina’s words filled the room, making Bellamy turn around.

“Bellamy, sweetheart, I am sure Clarke has something better to do than sitting between two married couples and listen to them talking about buying a house or raising kids.”

Bellamy frowned and turned from his wife to his best friend who exchanged a short look with Gina before nodding rapidly.

“Exactly. Also, I can’t ruin my success losing a few hundred calories with eating this delicious meal. I’ll let myself out.”

She bid them goodbye, thanked Bellamy for the run and then, with a insecure smile, she left.

Bellamy let out a quiet breath, feeling pretty disappointed that Clarke didn’t think she was family enough to dinner with them. Because to him she was. And he was pretty sure that Octavia felt the same.

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair and turned towards his family, telling them he would shower quickly and be back in a few minutes.

***************************************************

Back at the table Bellamy gave his wife a short kiss and greeted his sister and Lincoln with a hug.

“Sorry again. I was so sure that we would meet tomorrow.” Bellamy apologized and while Octavia waved it aside, Gina returned,  
“I have told you before you head off to work.”

She did? Bellamy frowned, but then he remembered that Gina reminded him of their dinner when he kissed her goodbye and he responded that he could never forget it, not when she was cooking roast chicken. But he did. Somewhere between lunch and end of his shift Clarke had asked him for a run and Bellamy had forgotten about the dinner. He blushed.

“You are right. Sorry.” This time Gina threw him a gentle smile and leaned over to steal a kiss from him.

“It happened. Now let’s start.”

So they did. Gina had cooked some delicious roast chicken and potatoes with rosemary, together with fresh vegetables and two different sauces.

Bellamy asked his sister how they were doing and where they left his niece.

“I’m good. We all are. Work is pretty rough at the moment, but Marie is getting better. She had been a little ill the last two weeks. The boys are looking after her.” Octavia explained while filling her plate and Bellamy’s eyebrows shot up immediately.

“The guys?”

He threw Lincoln a glance who slightly grimaced at who was looking after his daughter.

“You left Marie with Monty and Jasper? Alone?”

Octavia shrugged. “Why not? They are very capable of looking after her. It’s not the first time. Also, Jasper’s girlfriend is with them.”

“Jasper has a girlfriend?” Bellamy echoed and was even more surprised. “Since when?”

“Well, it’s more his crush than his actual girlfriend but we are getting there.” The younger Blake winked at her brother and took the first bite.

Bellamy was still unable to eat. He blinked at his sister, not understanding how she could be okay with Monty and Jasper taking care of her little daughter, along with a stranger in their house. And how the hell could Lincoln be okay with it?

“You agreed to this?”

“Well,” Lincoln started but Gina cut in, covering his hand with her small fingers.

“I’m sure nothing will happen to Marie. Octavia and Lincoln wouldn’t leave her alone if they weren’t sure that they can’t handle her. Relax.”

Octavia stretched out her hand in a ‘see, I told you so’ manner. “Exactly.”

Bellamy still wasn’t convinced. He liked his friends and he didn’t think that they would do something illegal when they were around his niece but still, the chaotic image they once had was still present, burned into his brain.

“You could have brought her with you.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “But we wanted to be alone. Who should we have asked instead, since you are so unhappy with our choice?”

“I don’t know,” Bellamy started, “maybe Clarke? She is her godmother.”

“Of course,” sighed Gina under her breath and Octavia cut in (before Bellamy could even turn at his wife), “We could have but first she was busy running with you, obviously and second, Marie likes being around the others as much as she loves being with you or Clarke. I think it’s good when she is taken care of as many of our friends as possible because as you said earlier - they are family.”

Bellamy and Octavia looked at each other. His sister’s gaze was challenging and after a few seconds Bellamy held up his hands in surrender.

“You are right. I am sorry. It’s none of my business.”

Then Octavia gave him his sweetest smile, telling him that it was okay and she started chatting with Gina, while Bellamy and Lincoln talked about their work and the current housing market.

Somewhere Octavia dropped in. “So you and Gina want to buy a house, huh?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

“Planning on starting a family, big brother?” Her grin was spread all over her face, the typical smug grin of a Blake and Bellamy couldn’t help himself but blushing a little.

He shared a glance with Gina before explaining, “Maybe … we are married for over a year now. The market is good and we don’t want to live here forever.”

After their mother’s dead Bellamy and Octavia lived in the house for a very long time. He had worked off his ass to keep it and after Octavia and Lincoln got married he decided to sign it over to his sister so they could start a family.

Octavia was still grinning, spooning the dessert.

“That’s good. Changes are needed in life,” said Lincoln and raised his glass to cheer.

“True that.” Gina smiled.

Not late after that - and Bellamy didn’t know how it happened - they were talking about their friends, Clarke included.

“She looked pretty good. Rested.” Lincoln stated and Octavia glanced mischievously at her brother before speaking into her ice cream, “Or like Bellamy said, super fucking hot.”

Which was the wrong thing to say. Bellamy’s heart stopped beating, his eyes flickered over to Gina, who tried not to show it but tensed anyway. Her hold onto the spoon got stronger and Bellamy’s stomach drop. His eyes glared over to his sister and seriously, he would have killed her, if it had been possible. His jaw clenched, eyes dark.

“Octavia.” Growled Bellamy lowly and the younger Blake rolled dramatically her eyes.

“God Bellamy, it was a joke.”

He was still looking at her intensively. She knew exactly that this wasn’t the right time to made jokes like this.

Yes, Gina and him were doing better, but Bellamy had noticed that Gina reacted very sensitive to the Clarke subject today. So repeating his earlier words that Clarke was super fucking hot in front of his wife, didn’t really help.

“A joke, Bellamy.” Then Gina got up and Bellamy closed his eyes, curing his sister for her stupidity.

“It was a joke Gina. Sorry.” Octavia added and now Bellamy saw some kind of blush on her face. Still, she said what she had said.

To his surprise Gina just got some chocolate syrup for her ice cream before setting back down. He still was on alert.

“No, no it’s okay O.” The brunette smiled and cleared her throat. “Clarke really is a good looking woman and I am happy that she’s doing better. I mean, it’s about time, right?”

Lincoln nodded “It’s a good thing, yeah” and Bellamy said at the very same time, “I don’t think it is.”

 

“What?” Gina asked confused and all three of them faced him with a frowned. Bellamy almost regretted his words but he couldn’t help himself. Just as his sister before, Bellamy held his gaze onto the dessert and explained, “I don’t think it’s about time.”

“And why is that?” The edge in Gina’s voice was unmistakable to hear and still, he looked up and pushed on. He couldn't help or stop himself. It was like a switch got turned over.

“I don’t think you can say it’s about time for her to move on because -”

“It’s been five months since Lexa’s death. I think the mourning should end.” Said Gina.

“I just think it’s none of your business to determine a time when she has mourned enough.”

“Excuse me?”

Ouch, that came off wrong. Gina looked at him with wide eyes. “None of my business? But it’s yours, huh?”

“No, it isn’t. I just think Clarke will decide for herself when she is ready to move on and not when people expect her to be. Of course it’s a good thing that she is doing better and I’m happy if she’s finally moving on but I don’t think you should say that it’s about time, because Clarke is the only one who decides when it’s about time.”

What followed were a few seconds of silence. A thick and awkwardly silence in which Gina took heavy breaths, her jaw tickled and eyes drilling into his. When Bellamy die opened his mouth to say something, trying to smooth the situation because he knew that they were on thin ice once again, Gina shook her head in disbelief, throwing her spoon onto the table.

„Of course you are defending her.“

„Gina -“

„Like always!“ Shouted the woman and Bellamy saw tears in her eyes, watching her swallow them down, unsuccessfully.

“You are always siding with Clarke. Always defending her and lashing out at me just because I don’t agree with your lovely princess. I know that you can’t time mourning, you can’t tell someone when they had suffered enough, okay? I know that. You don’t have to get at me like I insulted her or anything. Because I know how precious she is to you and your friendship – instead of me or our marriage!”

With that Gina jumped up and ran out of the room, slamming the doors behind her into the bedroom, leaving them speechless.

Bellamy closed his eyes, groaning and let his head hung down resignedly. He pinched his eyes with his index and thumb, trying to calm himself down and taking another deep breath.

He screwed up – once again! What a surprise … not really.

 

“I’m, I’m sorry Bell,” mumbled Octavia shyly and Bellamy shook his head, looking up into his sister’s guilty expression.

“It’s not your fault.”

His hand washed over his face. God man, he was so tired of this.

“Kind of it is. I shouldn’t have said these things, especially since she -”

“It’s okay O!” Bellamy cut her off, sharp. He didn’t need a reminder of what happened. Octavia wasn’t to blame. It was his fault. He should have kept his mouth shut. But he couldn’t, like always when it came down to Clarke.

“Wait, especially since she what?”

This time his sister pressed down her lips into a thin line, her ears getting red, just like his when he was ashamed of something. Octavia didn’t say anything, so Bellamy pressed forward.

“What is it, O?” He felt his heartbeat being on the edge again. His sister knew something he didn’t, something that might would have prevented him from this fight if he had known. Probably not, but still.

“O!” Bellamy said dangerously low and his sister sighed, the gaze in her eyes shifting from guilt to sorrow.

“I, look – Gina still has some issues when it comes to Clarke, okay?”

He stayed quiet, waiting for his sister to explain, because he already knew that.

The brunette sighed once more, telling him what she knew. What he needed to hear. Something, that confirmed that it had been too good to be true the last few weeks.

She told him that Gina was stopping by a lot in the last weeks, talking about his friendship with Clarke mostly and that she was trying to be okay with it. On most of the days she was, she liked Clarke herself, but then there were days where she almost hated this woman. But she knew that Clarke was important to Bellamy, to all of them and she really wanted to look over the fact that Bellamy and her had been lovers once, but Bellamy wasn't making it easy. Not when he always sided with his ex-girlfriend.

Gina knew that it was a long time ago but sometimes she couldn’t help herself and feel jealous. She could see how happy Bellamy was, spending time with Clarke again and that’s what Gina wanted, him to be happy. Even though she wasn’t … on some days at least.

 

Bellamy puffed out a groaned breath. “Great, so my own wife is lying to me.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say she is lying. She, she just wants to protect your marriage. I mean, somehow I can feel her. I am sorry Bellamy, but your devotion should be to Gina and not, well, not to Clarke. I know that she is your best friend but Gina is your wife. You chose to marry her. And I am not saying that you should cut off Clarke completely but,”  
Octavia stopped and took a deep breath, “but maybe you should sort out your priorities.”

She smiled at him encouragingly, before grabbing Lincoln’s hand and got up. “Thank you for the dinner.” She kissed his cheeks and a few moments later, Bellamy was alone. With a huff, he ran his hand through his hair and cleaned the kitchen.

After he finished, Bellamy stood in front of the bedroom door for a very long time. He stared at the wood and thought about, if he should just get in or knock first. He decided to go with the latter and waited for an answer from the other side.

“Gina?” Bellamy asked quietly, his voice rough. “Babe, can I come in?”

His heart pushed hard against his ribs, he listened into the silence and had his hand already on the handle when a muffled, “Go away Bellamy!” came through.

He hesitated, still holding the handle.

“Come on Gina, don’t -”

“I said, go away! I don’t want to talk to you right now!”

“Gina, I -”

“The least you can do as a husband is respect my wishes!”

She yelled and that made Bellamy step away. He looked against the door, feeling the knot in his throat and his heart beat dangerously fast. It weren’t the words that hurt, but the way she was talking to him. He could hear the tears, the pain and the anger. And Gina was right. The least he could do was stepping back.

Suddenly this scene was awfully familiar to him. He felt like he was taken aback in time. Back to when he had this fight with his mother about his relationship with Clarke. Where he had been in his room, ignoring his mother. Not knowing that it would be the last conversation they would ever had. He still felt bad for not telling her how much he loved her, for overreacting.

Bellamy swallowed thickly, feeling tears prickling behind his eyes when he answered with a thick voice,

“Okay. I … I love you. I know that it probably doesn’t look like it to you, especially when it comes to Clarke but I do Gina, I love you.”

There was no response. Just like all these years ago. With a heavy heart Bellamy left the apartment, asking Murphy for a drink at their local bar.

Bellamy sneaked under the blanket as quiet as possible, two hours later. He had a little headache because Murphy and he had been talking about his marriage pretty much the whole time and had a lot of drinks. Hesitantly Bellamy scooted closer to his wife, wrapping his arm around her middle and pulled her into him. His lips put a gentle kiss on her neck as he whispered an apology.

Gina squeezed his hand gently, her voice thick with sleep, “I love you too. I know we can fix this. Together.”

Together. Maybe they could, he hoped they would. But the thing was – together always had been Clarke’s and his.

 

***************************************************

 

It was still complicated. Bellamy tried not to show it, but he was still figuring out how to behave around his wife and around Clarke. He didn’t tell her about the fight Gina and him had and he told his sister not to do either. It was something he had to figure out, not his friend. He didn’t want to step back from his friendship with the blonde because he literally felt how good it was for him being around her.

 

At the same time Bellamy tried to spent as much time as he could with Gina. He really worked hard on a solution where both of them would be happy with. Most of the time it was really frustrating, especially in the beginning but Bellamy hoped that he was getting there.

 

He continued seeing Clarke for eating burgers at their pub or stopped by with a coffee at the hospital. He cut short the time he invested in training or canceled game night more often if Gina wasn’t feeling going to join him. It wasn’t perfect but it was something, right?

He just had to find a way to live with it.

So, knowing about Gina's issues with Clarke, Bellamy had talked with her for over a week about this special day today. He wanted to make sure she was truly okay with it and that there would be no misunderstandings or jealousy or whatever. Honestly, Bellamy felt a little stupid for making such a big thing out of this but he was tired of fighting with his wife.

He didn’t want any trouble, even though she had assured him that it was fine, that today was a pretty hard day for Clarke because the accident had been six months ago today, Bellamy still had his doubts. To top that it would have been Lexa’s birthday as well and Bellamy wanted to make sure Clarke was okay.

She told her friends that she wouldn’t need any company today, that she would be okay and even if she wouldn’t be, she wanted to be alone. But just like six months ago,like always actually, Bellamy found himself at his best friend’s side anyway because he just couldn’t leave her alone. He just couldn’t. So Bellamy had told Gina about his plan on spending the day with Clarke and was pathetically happy having a whole day with his friend, despite the horrible reason for it.

Of course, Clarke protested at first. She told him that he didn’t have to keep her company. That she was okay, even though her eyes were a little puffy and red. But Bellamy wouldn’t be Bellamy if he had listened and left her alone. So he told her that he would stay, if she wanted or not and they both went for a long breakfast outside the little bakery Jasper’s mother owned.

“So, what do you want to do today?” Bellamy asked while cutting his french toast into pieces.

Clarke bit down her bottom lip and shrugged. “I don't know. I have to buy groceries.”

“Alright, let's do this then. Do you still need help with that pipe in the bathroom and your floor light?”

“You don't have to do this, Bellamy. I can call my landlord for these things.”

Bellamy waved her off. “Oh, don't bother. I can fix these things today, while it'll take the landlord three weeks to get someone to fix it.”

Clarke shook her head and a little smile tugged at her lip. “You don't -”

“I know Clarke, but I want to okay? What else are best friends for other than helping?”

The smile weakened at that, just a little and Bellamy thought, maybe he said something wrong, but he couldn't tell what and decided not to ask.

On their way home they stopped at a grocery store and Clarke grabbed Bellamy’s hand, holding him back for a moment and smiled gently at him.

“I’m glad you are with me today.”

Bellamy nodded and was about to pull her into his side for a hug when Clarke added, “Because then you can carry all the heavy bags.” She laughed and Bellamy’s heart smiled widely.

“Rude. Maybe I won’t?”

The blonde winked at him “Of course you will. You said it yourself. Remember?” before she entered the market.

Bellamy sighed a short “Just because my mother raised me to be good” and followed his friend, happy to see her able to even laugh today.

Most of the supplies Clarke needed were put into the basket in no time, but Clarke started to act uncomfortable when Bellamy asked if there was something left.

She chewed her bottom lip and tipped from one foot to the other. “Well, there is something. I need, you know, women stuff.”

Bellamy blinked, his forehead carved into a deep v. What was she talking ab – oh.

A smug grin spread over his face when the penny dropped. „Tampons?“

Clarke made a face, which made Bellamy chuckle.

„Since when are you so uptight?“

„I am not uptight. It‘s just, it‘s a very intimate thing to buy, okay?“ Said Clarke and strutted towards the hygiene section. Bellamy followed.

“Well, it didn’t bother you back then when we were together” Bellamy remarked and added, “You know I am buying these things since Octavia got her period for the first time. I’m cool with it.”

“I was okay with it because you were my boyfriend,” Clarke explained over her shoulder and stopped in front of the tampon shelves, “Now, you are not and no one buys anyone tampons who isn’t their girlfriend or sister or mother.”

Bellamy squinted at the last part and was about to tell Clarke that he would cross the line at buying tampons for their mother because that was, urgh, when she grabbed his arm and squeezed a loud “Oh my God Bellamy!”. Her eyes wide open, grip strong on his arm.

“What? What is it?” He didn’t know if he should be worried, confused or shocked as Clarke.

“Oh my God. How could I have forgotten about that? Oh God.” The blonde whispered and started to giggle, while Bellamy was still left in the dark. Which he always hated.

“What is it, Clarke?”

He got impatient, because what was so funny and shocking at the same time?

Clarke grinned when she grabbed the box of tampons and held it up right before his eyes.

“You will never believe that but I think that Murphy and Raven are a thing.”

Bellamy blinked. “You are right. I don’t believe it. What does have this anything to do with you buying tampons?”

Clarke’s grin got even wider. “Well, when I was looking for apartments Raven got texts from Murphy who was completely overstrained with buying tampons.”

The expectant glance on Clarke’s face put Bellamy really under pressure. He didn’t know how Murphy buying tampons for Raven was any indication for them having a thing. Clarke groaned when he didn’t give her the reaction she wanted him to.

“God Bellamy, can’t you see it? You just don’t ask your random friend to buy tampons for you! She said that he was grocery shopping for her because she was with me all day, so she didn’t have the time but you still don’t put this on the list! They are having a thing. I know it. Also they’re hanging out, together. Alone.”

Bellamy pressed his lips into a thin line, which made Clarke a little angry. Her gaze darkened and she tossed the box into the basket.

“I’m telling you, they are having a thing.”

“Just because they hang out together and he does grocery shopping for her when she doesn’t have the time?” He was very skeptical and didn’t really share Clarke’s theory.

“I mean, we hang out together as well and we aren’t ‘a thing’. Why can’t the others? I mean, Murphy and Raven have gotten really close over the last two or three years, so -”

“Urgh, you sound like Raven.” Clarke cut him short and started walking towards the check-out.

“We are best friends and you are married, of course we aren’t a thing. But I am telling you, Murven is a thing.”

“Murven?”

“Murphy and Raven” Clarke explained, “You know, like Jasper used to call us Bellarke.”

Bellamy chuckled. “Yeah but he was what, sixteen back then? And not mid-twenty. It’s kind of weird to give your friends shipper names.“

The blonde shrugged and pulled out her money, “I don’t care. They are secretly dating and when it comes out, I will tell you ‘I told you so’.”

 

When they got back at Clarke’s apartment and put the groceries away, Bellamy rolled up his sleeves and got Clarke’s toolbox to start with the pipe in the bathroom. Actually, it was Bellamy’s toolbox. He gave it to Clarke a few years ago when she asked him to fix a cabinet and didn’t even had a hammer in her so called toolbox.

“Okay, so what’s the problem?”

“It leaks when I open the hot water tap.” Clarke leaned over to the basin and opened the tap to show him. Bellamy nodded. “Could be the seal ring. Alright.” He clapped his hands and moved the cabinet underneath the basin, so he got a clear view on the pipes. “I have to take the whole thing apart.”

“Is that really necessary? Just for a seal ring?”

“There is no other way to get an insight into the tap. Bring me a bucket and towels.”

Clarke’s eyebrows scooted up skeptically, which made Bellamy rolling his eyes. “I’m not flooding your bathroom, no worries. But water still can leak.”

A few moments later, Bellamy lay underneath the basin and overviewed the pipe system. “And?” Clarke asked carefully because he hadn’t said anything yet. He was still looking.

“Nothing complicated. I’ve done that dozens of times. I need the spanner and pliers.” He hold out his hand, so Clarke could give him the tools.

“You know that I have enough money to get a mechanic, right? You don’t have to do this.”, explained Clarke for the third time, when she handed him the spanner and pliers and he started unscrewing the nut.

Bellamy groaned in annoyance and threw her a dark glare. “Let me ask you a question, princess. Did I ever let you down?”

“No.”

“Did I fix things before? Your pipe in the kitchen, for example?”

Clarke snorted a laughter. “You know that sounds very filthy, right? You ‘fixing my pipe in the kitchen’?”

The moment Clarke said it, Bellamy’s ears flamed up and he felt his heart beating faster. “Only because you’re a person with really dirty thoughts, Clarke.”

“You didn’t mind it when I was your girlfriend.” She winked, despite the blush on her cheeks and Bellamy felt so uncomfortable in this moment, that he looked away back to his hands.

He did like that Clarke opened up in their relationship and suggested new things, once they started having sex. She turned into a little sex monster, to be honest and developed a kink for them having sex in the kitchen. He remembered the one time, he fucked her on her parent’s kitchen table and only three hours later, he was sitting at it for dinner with the Griffins - and Clarke’s foot teasing his crotch.

The memory led his blood away from his brain into his groin and he cleared his throat loudly, to get the memory out of his head and his thoughts back to the basin.

Clarke started to laugh, because she could sense him being uncomfortable and a little awkward and she always loved teasing him.

“Whatever, I can fix this. I’ve done that enough times before. I know what I am do- Fuck!” A cold waterfall was splashing down on him, the nut loosened in his hand. “Shit!”

Clarke squealed. “What the fuck, Bellamy?”

He growled, “No, no, no, no. Damn!” He did his best to put the nut back on the construction, while the water soaked through his shirt. How the hell could he forget to turn off the main water tapr? It was the first thing to do, rule number one. “Stupid little thing.” Bellamy cursed and Clarke jumped next to him.

“I thought you knew what you’re doing!”

Bellamy gritted his teeth, “Not now, Clarke” and grabbed a towel to press it on the leak. “Turn off the main water tap.”

“The what? Where is it?” Clarke asked in panic and Bellamy groaned and whipped his forearm over his face to get the water out of his eyes. The towel drenching with water.

“Seriously? You don’t know what it is? Or where?”

Clarke shrugged. “Why should I? I’m sorry I’m no engineer.”

Bellamy held back a biting comment and let out a deep sigh instead. “Okay, it’s a valve, with a big green or red handle. Maybe in the storeroom or kitchen.”

“O-okay.” The blonde hair disappeared out his sight and Bellamy tightened his grip around the towel, cursing himself for his stupidness. He heard how Clarke teared up the doors and rushed through the rooms, but when she appeared with a guilty expression underneath the basin again, the water was still running. “I can’t find it.”

“There has to be.” Bellamy grunted and decided that it was better to look for the main tap himself, so they wouldn’t waste any more time.. He knew, the last solution would be the tap in the cellar but they would cut off everyone’s water and that was something Bellamy wanted to avoid. Even though it would only be for a short time.

“Okay, come down here.”

Without hesitation Clarke obeyed and crouched next to him. “Hold the towel. I’m looking for the main tap.”

Clarke grabbed the towel from his wet and cold hands and when her small hands touched his, a shiver ran down his spine. Just because she was so much warmer than him of course. Bellamy glanced over and swallowed, before asking if she had a tight grip.

“You know I do.” Shot Clarke back and Bellamy groaned, getting on his feet. “You are unbelievable.”

His clothes were soaked wet and he felt bad for running through the apartment, leaving a wet trail behind but he would be as quick as possible. Also, he didn’t really have a choice if they didn’t want to flood the whole apartment.

“Because I’m a intern, Bellamy!” She yelled after him and added, “I have to push down on wounds. You perv.”

He could hear her grin and Bellam rushed into the kitchen, looking for the main water tap,but didn’t find the damn valve. “Damn it.” He hurried into the storeroom and pushed away the boxes of wine and water, his eyes scanning the back feverishly. Did he really have to go into the cellar? Bellamy ran a hand through his wet hair and turned around to leave, when a small red handle caught his attention.

There it was and within a few seconds, Bellamy had turned off the water. He rushed back into the bathroom.

“You can stop, now. I turned the water off.”

Clarke crawled on her feet and threw the soaked towel into the basin. “So much for you know what you’re doing.”

Bellamy’s neck flushed. “Sorry.”

Clarke flashed him a smile but then casted her eyes down on his shirt and she grimaced. “Sorry about your shirt.”

He waved her off, “It’s just water, no worries.” Despite it clinched on him like a second skin, it did feel uncomfortable but Bellamy didn’t complain. Instead he was about to crouch back down to continue, when Clarke stopped him with a loud, “Whoa, what are you doing?”

“Getting back to work?” Bellamy frowned and Clarke shook her head. “No, absolutely not. You’re soaked wet and I don’t want you to get sick because I made you work in your wet clothes.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, pointing his hand towards the window, “It’s July, Clarke. We have at least 84 degrees out there. I think it’s highly unlikely that I’ll catch a cold now.”

“But it’s drenched, Bell!”

Bellamy let out an annoyed sigh and grabbed the hem of the shirt and took it off. He threw it into the basin to the wet towel and quirked up a eye brow, “Better?”

His skin electrified when it hit the fresh air and Clarke bit down her bottom lip, eyeing him with doubt.

“Well …” She started and her eyes flickered up his chest and without any intention, his muscles flexed and Clarke cleared her throat, pulling her gaze away from him. Bellamy smirked, ignoring his slightly quicker heartbeat (and Clarke’s flushed cheek) and got back to work.

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Clarke wrapping her arms around her middle and stepping awkwardly from one foot to the other. “What shall I do now?”

“Wait.” Bellamy said and a few moments later, he got off the water tap and took it apart, fishing the seal out. It was completely porous. He held it out for Clarke who took it. “All this effort for this little thing?”

“Yup. Well, probably. I’m not sure -”

“You’re not sure?” Clarke echoed and Bellamy gave a look. “Well, it’s very likely it’s the seal but it also can be something else, so we would have to change the whole tap.”

“Uff, that is complicated.”

Bellamy laughed. “No it’s not.”

The blonde smiled at him before looking at the seal. “I don’t have any seals in storage. I’ll head over to Monroe’s. I’m pretty sure they have something like this.”

“Okay. I’ll fix the headlight in the floor. Is there anything else?”

“The bedroom door stuck a little and maybe we can adjust the cabinet in the living room? It’s too heavy for one person..”

“Is there anything I don’t have to fix in this apartment?”

Clarke stuck out her tongue at that and left him alone to buy the new seal. Bellamy looked after her with a smile, before turning his attention to the light. He got a ladder and turned off the electricity in the storeroom first. The mistake of not cutting off the main line wouldn’t happen twice! Especially since power was definitely much more dangerous than cold water.

It didn’t take long to get the light working again. He turned on the main power and eyed Clarke’s bedroom door. He couldn’t understand why Clarke hadn’t told the landlord about all these things (despite she told him that she could call her) and therefore paid the full rent, even though she had problems.

Probably because Clarke didn’t want to bother the elderly woman, Mrs. Betty. Bellamy shook his head, typical for his friend. She didn’t want to bother anyone or ask for help, despite she needed it. Bellamy’s chest swelled with pride, because Clarke asked him for help. Okay, he may forced his help on her but she accepted it anyway, so it’s almost the same thing. It filled him with pride either way.

The door hung too low on the lower door hinge and therefore it was skewed. The door itself was very unwieldy and heavy, but as a firefighter Bellamy carried worse.

When he finished, Bellamy searched through the toolbox for WD-40 and sprayed it on the hinges. The door opened and closed perfectly. Happy with his work, Bellamy smiled and wiped away the sweat from his forehead. Adjusting a door on your own was pretty exhausting and yet he wanted to try to move the cabinet in the living room without Clarke. He wanted to surprise her by being finished when she got back but when he closed the bedroom door, his eyes stopped at the wall full with pictures.

A certain picture made Bellamy approach the wall and a smile tugged at his lips. It was a photo of Clarke and him. He couldn’t remember when exactly it was taken or where but damn, they both looked really happy. They both looked at each other, holding hands and wearing fancy clothes. They didn’t know the photo was taken or if they did, they pretend not to kew, because there was something private, something intimate and magical about the way they looked and … just were in general.

His heart pounded and his gaze wandered further, taking in the other pictures. There was a cute one with Lexa and her and a picture of her father. There was no one he didn’t spot on this wall who wasn’t important for Clarke and yet he ignore the fact, that he was in many of these pictures. Some time with Clarke or others, some time he was alone. Bellamy’s gaze stopped at another picture of him xxx

Bellamy ruffled his hair with a sigh and turned to leave as he spotted Clarke’s drawing map on the bed. He hadn’t seen her drawing for quite some time now. Months, maybe even years. He hesitated. it was her bedroom and he knew that the drawings were very private stuff for Clarke but his curiosity won and the next thing he knew, Bellamy flipped through the map. She drew different things, sometimes medical stuff or landscape, other times he recognize people. A drawing of his niece Marie made his pause. It was like he looked at a actual photograph, the eyes shined and sparkled. The face was so detailed and alive. He turned to the next page and his heart skipped a beat.

There was a drawing of faceless people, a faceless woman in a wedding dress and a faceless man in a suit. The lines were simple and yet impressive. And even without detailed expression you could sense that all people were happy. Well, almost all people. There was another woman in the picture, much more sad than others. Bellamy stared at it. He swallowed and suddenly his heart felt heavy, sad. The couple and everyone else was shining, except this one woman.

You said together, but didn’t mean forever.

His heart ached and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. He had an idea what this drawing was showing but was he too scared to admit. His eyes darted to photo of Clarke and him he recognized first earlier and then back to the drawing. His mind was full with heavy thoughts and his gut twisted. He was totally overwhelmed and didn’t know what to think. Looking for a date, when it was made, he turned the page and found in thin letters:

Love of my life you've hurt me  
You've broken my heart  
And now you leave me  
Love of my life can't you see  
Bring it back, bring it back  
Don't take it away from me  
Because you don't know  
What it means to me

Bellamy bit his bottom lip and swallowed hard, trying to loosen the knot in his throat. He stared at the picture and was lost in his thoughts, when the apartment door shut close and he jumped off the bed. With quick hands he put everything back in place and stepped out of the bedroom, the toolbox in his hands.

“Hey,” he said, his voice sounding weird to his own ears.. “Took you quite some time.”

Clarke groaned and waved him off. She didn’t seem to notice his voice. “Monroe’s was closed. So I got back and drove to Walmart and got a new water tap.” She held up the new water tap. “It was easier to get.” Clarke explained and Bellamy shrugged. “Fine by me.”

She smiled and her gaze flew towards the door. “Finished?”

“Yeah. As good as new.” Bellamy opened and closed the door to show her. “Great. Thank you.”

He flashed her a smile, “No problem.”

“So, just the cabinet and this stupid thing here and then you’re off for today. I promise.” Clarke winked at him and together they moved the cabinet in the living room. Which truly was way too heavy for one person. Even a exercised person as Bellamy had his problems.

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair and wiped away the sweat from his forehead. “Better?” He nodded towards the furniture. His hands stemmed against his hips he looked over to his friend because Clarke hadn’t said anything. She was looking at him, clearly lost in her thoughts and Bellamy tried not to think too much about the drawing he found because the blonde did look a little sad.

Carefully, Bellamy took a step towards her. “Clarke?”

The blonde got out of her trance and blinked. “What? Sorry, I …” She stopped and her eyes casted over his bare chest before turning towards the cabinet. “It’s better, yeah. Thanks.”

She threw him a short smile and left.

Bellamy rubbed his neck, feeling a little awkward and confused. He was worried that he did something wrong or said something that wasn’t appropriated. As he went into the bathroom to install the water tap he realized, that they hadn’t talked about Lexa yet. Clarke hadn’t mentioned her, neither did she cry. Bellamy felt bad for not asking if Clarke wanted to talk about her ex-girlfriend.

Installing the water tap was done quickly and without any problems. He turned on the main water tap and peaked into the kitchen, where Clarke was cutting vegetables.

“The water is running again. What are you doing? I thought we’re ordering food.”

“I was in the mood for cooking.”

“Oh, okay. Can I help you with anything?”

“No, you’ve done enough. Thank you, though.”

Bellamy nodded. “Yeah … well, I would like to shower. Do you think you’ll have something for me to wear while the shirt is drying?”

Clarke took her time to think, before she put down the knife and went into the bedroom.

“Well, my dad's old baseball shirt? Sorry, it's the only guy's shirt I have.”

Bellamy followed her into the bedroom and his eyes switched towards the map on her bed. He resisted the urge to address it to her. Instead he shrugged and told his friend that he was fine with an old shirt. He remembered how much Clarke loved it. She had been wearing it even when her dad had been still alive. So yeah, he didn't mind wearing it. Quite the opposite, but then Clarke's expression changed and she groaned, grabbing underneath her pillow and pulled out the t-shirt. “I wore it for bed.” She smelled at it and shook her head. “No, sorry. It smells awful. A mixture of my perfume and sweat.”

“I don't mind.”

It was embarrassing how quick he said it. Clarke blinked and Bellamy ducked his head, clearing his throat.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I mean, it's just until my shirt is dry. Besides, you smell nice.” He said it teasingly but truly meant it. Clarke did smell good.

“O-okay. Here.” She handed him the shirt. “It doesn't really matter I guess. You do have to use my body wash anyway.”

Clarke gave him a towel and went back into the kitchen, while Bellamy wandered into the bathroom to hit the shower.

Five minutes later, Bellamy was back in his pants and held Clarke's shirt in his hands. He let the fabric slide through his fingers, his mind blank and bursting with thoughts at the same time. He hesitated. Then he put on the shirt and his chest warmed up immediately. His skin softened and the scent of Clarke surrounded him. His brain told him that it was a bad Idea, but his heart smiled lovingly and happy.

 

***************************************************

 

Clarke and Bellamy made themselves comfortable on the couch, having dinner and wine while watching Netflix.

They watched a new documentary about Julius Caesar, which Clarke insisted on as a thank you because of his help. Bellamy didn't protest this time and got fully caught into the documentary. It wasn’t telling him anything new, not really, but he was a history nerd and couldn't get enough of it.

He was so wrapped up into the movie, that he forgot about his friend. He didn't notice that she stopped talking or asking questions. Not until Clarke nudged him with her foot.

“Hm?” Bellamy grunted without taking his eyes from the screen, telling her he was listening.

“Do you mind if we do something else?”

She sounded a little off, so Bellamy turned his face and recognized her teary eyes, the slight blush on her cheeks.

Shit, she was about to cry and he didn’t even notice. “Of course. Sorry, I -”

Clarke shook her head, fighting visibly the tears. “No, it’s okay, it’s just … well, maybe we could play something?”

“Um, yeah. What do you have in mind?”

Clarke shrugged, her eyes wandered across the room. “I don’t know … finding nemo, maybe?”

Bellamy snorted in disbelief and amusement. Finding nemo was such a college drinking game and they were way too old for this shit but he knew that it was just a way to get wasted without actually saying it and probably that was what Clarke wanted right how.

“Only if you have something else to drink than wine.” He pointed at the almost empty bottle in front of them.

Clarke grinned, “Of course.” She jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen, while Bellamy ended the documentary and searched for the requested mobile. When Clarke sat down, she put two glasses and a bottle of Vodka in front of them.

Bellamy shuddered, “Urgh, no Clarke. Do you want to kill us? Pure Vodka? Are you serious? We aren’t eighteen anymore.”

His stomach clenched and he already felt sick. He would drink one glass of this devilish liquid and not more!

“Well, I don’t really have anything else besides Tequila-”, Bellamy winced, “- and the shabby liqueur Jasper had brought last game night.”

No better options, apparently. Bellamy hung his head and sighed, raising his glass a little to show Clarke she should fill it up.

“Then we should start fast.”

The blonde giggled and when they both had to take their first shot, his lips curled into a slight smile.

90 shots later, Bellamy’s head throbbed wildly. He felt an uncomfortable pressure on his temples and his gaze was hooded. He just took the last shot and then the movie was finally over. He literally felt the alcohol rushing through his blood system.

Clarke was smiling sheepishly towards the TV before turning herself towards him, her eyes shiny and cheeks red from the drinking.

“So” Clarke started slowly, “that was a pretty bad idea.” She giggled. “I am super duper drunk!”

Bellamy chuckled. “Me too. I can’t remember when I was this drunk.” And he seriously couldn’t. Clarke and him had shots of Vodka and Jasper’s liquor. He refused the Tequila, otherwise he would have puked immediately. He really hated this liquid.

“Me neither.” Clarke agreed and rubbed her forehead.

“But it was fun and that's what I needed. So, thank you. We did have fun, right?”

“Yeah, absolutely. Glad I could help.”

Then silence surrounded them but it was a comfortable one. No silence that sat right in your neck, pressuring you to say something. Their silence used to be like this, nice and light and comfortable in the past, now they often weren't. Bellamy leaned his head back and closed his eyes, breathing in the moment.

“Octavia said you and Gina are thinking about buying a house?”

Bellamy opened his eyes, watching his friend in surprise. She sounded a little sad and it made him feel guilty, because he hadn’t told her, but Octavia did. And Clarke probably thought he didn't want her to know, which was … some kind the truth. He hoped that Octavia hadn’t said anything about the fight.

He cleared his throat, nodding. “Yeah. The market is pretty good at the moment, but we haven’t really looked yet.”

Clarke nodded, her eyes flying over his face, then she looked at her fingers, when she asked if they were thinking about having kids as well.

Bellamy swallowed and his heart ached because Gina and him did talk about that, but that was before all this drama started and honestly, he wasn't so sure anymore now.

“Well, we talked about it, yeah. But we aren't planning or trying.It happens when it happens, I guess.”

Again Clarke nodded. Silence. And this time it was a heavy one.

Then, “I never talked about having kids with her.”

Her voice was off and a sad smile turned upon her face. Bellamy felt his heart clenching, his lungs tightened. He hated seeing Clarke like this. But he also didn’t know what to say, so he just grabbed her hand, giving her an encouraging smile.

“And I really don’t think she really wanted one. I mean, remember when she had to hold Marie for a few moments?” A bittersweet laugh escaped her lips and Bellamy remembered that Lexa wasn’t really excited when she had to play with his niece.

“I’m sure it would have been different with your own kid.” Whispered Bellamy and felt his heart getting heavier with every second, with every new tears that filled Clarke’s eyes.

“Maybe … but maybe not. I mean, it … it doesn’t matter anymore bec-” She stopped, her lips quivered and she took a deep breath, the first tear fell down her cheek.

It was the moment that Bellamy pulled his friend into his chest because he didn’t want her to be alone. He didn’t want her to feel alone. He was here for her, always. Clarke buried her face into his shirt, clutching her hands onto him and then the tears were crushing down her face. She cried in earnest, sobbed and buried herself deeper into his chest. Bellamy slung his arms around her shaking body, pulling her into his lap and hold her as close as he could.

He felt a knot in his own throat and swayed them a little, breathing in her perfume, feeling the tears wetting his, her shirt.

They sat there for a pretty long time when the tears started to die down. Clarke sobbed a few more times before whipping away the tears, looking at him with her puffed eyes, apologizing for crying on him.

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “I don’t give a damn about that, Clarke.” His voice was soft and automatically his thumb brushed over her cheek, carefully, and whipping away the tears that were left.

His heart started to jump a little faster when Clarke smiled a little. Her small hands laid on his shoulders, slowly roaming down over his chest, over his heart.

Something in the air changed. Something that sat his skin on fire. His mind was buzzed from drinking but it took him back in time. Back to a time where Clarke had been his girlfriend, where she had been sitting in his lap just like this and where they had been kissing each other, hands everywhere before pulling off their shitty clothes and fucked each other right there. He remembered the lyric he had read on the picture he found earlier.

The memory heated his face and his eyes seemed to have allied with his brain, because they dropped down to Clarke’s lips and suddenly her fingers were at the back of his neck, her breathing still heavy and hot. He looked at her lips for two seconds, before flickering up and his stomach drove wilde because in that moment Clarke’s eyes dropped down to his lips and she bit down her bottom lip and - fuck it.

That’s what his heart had screamed and he was about to lean over, but his head stopped him just in time. It told him that it wasn’t just a bad idea because he was married, but mostly because Clarke was vulnerable. That she was mourning her girlfriend who died six months ago and would have had birthday today.

Bellamy always had been a heart person. Acting on impulse, almost never going with his head. But today he did. He took his eyes from his best friend’s face and cleared his throat and Clarke shifted, realizing how inappropriate her position and the situation was and swallowed loud.

“I, I think I should go to bed.” She mumbled and pushed herself off his lap and some part of his body was missing the warmth already. He glanced at her, almost shyly and felt his ears turning red.

Then Clarke was holding out her hand and he looked up, brows furrowed.

“I won’t let you drive home. And the couch is way too small for you. Besides, I, I don’t want to be alone.”

She sounded ashamed and despite what just had happened - or not happened, he didn’t hesitate and nodded, “Okay.”

Her small hand grabbed his and she led him into her bedroom, crawling into bed without getting out of her clothes and Bellamy lay down next to her, his heart jumping in its ribcage. It was warm enough to sleep without any blanket, but then Clarke turned her back at him and searched for his hand to wrap it around her, placing his palm over her stomach, pulling him closer.

Her small hand was over his, her head under his chin and her back right against his front.

It should made him feel awkward but somehow it didn’t. Well, maybe a little. But then he breathed in her scent once again and his body started to relax.

“Thank you” Clarke’s voice filled the silence, “Thank you for keeping me sane. For fixing me.”

Bellamy pressed a kiss on the top of her hair naturally, pulling her closer though the body heat and the hot temperature and mumbled a low “Always” before they both drifted off to sleep.

 

***************************************************

 

Clarke and him had a short hangover breakfast the next day. They sat in silence and half an hour later Bellamy made sure Clarke was okay before heading back home. A huge pounding in his head, despite the two pain killers Clarke gave him.

He still was pretty tired and planned on crashing onto the couch for the rest of the day because damn, he really wasn‘t twenty anymore. His body felt sour and he wasn‘t sure if he was truly allowed to drive back home but he did it anyway.

So when he stepped inside his apartment he slipped out of his shoes immediately and went straight towards the living room when Gina‘s head popped out of the kitchen. A hard facial expression.

“We need to talk.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead. “Do we? I’m pretty tired and my head fucks me right now, so maybe we can talk later?”

Gina’s face hardened and Bellamy knew that it couldn’t wait. That she didn’t want to wait and still she complained with a sour voice,

“Of course I can wait. I can always wait.”

Bellamy pressed his jaw together, a muscle ticked in his cheek and he barely hold back an annoyed groan. Instead, he took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over his sleepy eyes and thought about thanking his wife for her understanding, even though he knew she didn’t mean it and just go into the living room, but this wouldn’t have done any good, so he didn’t.

“What is it?”

He knew he sounded annoyed and seriously? Right now he didn’t care. All he wanted was to lay down for a few more hours and then to talk. Or maybe never.

Gina stepped out of the kitchen and closed the door, leaning herself against it, arms crossed in front of her chest. She eyes him closely, jaw ticking. Silence.

“Look Gina, you wanted to talk so -” Bellamy started because he really didn’t have the energy to stay here for nothing to happen, but he got cut off, sharp.

“So you spent the night with Clarke.”

“Obviously.”

Gina raised her eyebrows at this. “Obviously?!”

Bellamy groaned, “Yeah obviously. But obviously that was wrong?! And this time I can’t understand why, because I have talked to you about it for over a week and you said that it would be okay if I was spending the day with Clarke.”

“Spending the day. Not the night. There is a difference.”

This time it was Bellamy’s turn to raise his eyebrows – in disbelief. “Seriously? Do I have to ask for your permission like a little school kid if I’m allowed to spend the night with my friends?”

“Just one friend.”

“Don’t.” It was a growl, a warning.

“Don’t what?” Gina returned, edgy (knowing what Bellamy had meant).

“Don’t start this shit about Clarke again.”

“Oh I’m not. I’m starting this shit about us again. Which apparently always includes her.”

“Just because you always make it about her.” Bellamy retorted and felt his own voice getting rougher, louder.

“Because you leave me no choice! It’s always Clarke. Always!”

“God Gina! Stop it! Fuck, I am so fucking tired of this shit, okay? I spent the night with Clarke, I forgot to text you about it, sorry, but I am not explaining myself -”

“Do you even care how I feel? Because I do feel things when you are with her Bellamy! I’m trying to be okay with it and I was fine with yesterday because it was a shitty day for her but what do you think should I feel when my own husband doesn’t come home at night and don’t even text me, knowing he is with his ex-”

“Nothing had happened!” Shouted Bellamy back, running his hand through his hair, over his face. He took a deep breath, calming himself down.

“Obviously I can’t take away your worries. You imagine things. Nothing had happened and nothing is going to happen between me and Clarke. I love you and I really want this to work but I am sick of this Gina. I am tired. All these fights, they are unnecessary.”

His voice was quiet, almost weak and heavy. He could see that she felt the same. The way her gaze shifted, the way her face saddened. She swallowed, teeth burying into her lip.

She avoided looking at him, while Bellamy tried to figure her out. He felt his heart beating heavy in his chest, but his blood running through his vein in no time.

“Me too” Gina mumbled and sighed, her breath shaking. Her voice so quiet that he barely got her.

“I’m so tired of feeling like this.” Suddenly she looked into his eyes. Sad, apologetic, hurt.

“I, I can’t do this anymore.”

“Gina -” Panic rose in his chest, his heart beating faster, afraid of knowing where she was about to head.

“I, I want to be your first, not your second.”

Bellamy opened his mouth, but then Gina said something that left him speechless. “You can’t have both of us.”

“What?” He misunderstood her, right? She didn’t just tell him that ‘he couldn’t have both of them’?!

Gina straightened herself, pinning his eyes with hers.

“It’s me or her.”

Bellamy blinked. He blinked in silence and in shock. A couple of time he opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t. Gina had to be kidding. She couldn’t be serious, could she? His eyes took her stiffened position in. She didn’t even blink. Bellamy scoffed,

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am.” This time she swallowed heavily and he could see a gleam of fear and hurt in her gaze.

It still took Bellamy a few seconds to process what he was just told before he scoffed once again, his voice hard.

“I- I can’t believe you want me to choose!”

Anger boiled inside his chest. “You gotta be kidding me.”

“I don’t. It, otherwise it doesn’t work.”

“This is ridiculous Gina! Just because I didn’t come home and spent the night with Clarke and because you are jealous, which I just told you, you don’t have to be, you want me to cut off my best friend?”

She bit her lip, but answered almost immediately.

“Maybe I am still jealous, okay? Maybe I am but just because my own husband spends more time with his teenage love then with me.”

Bellamy growled, his hands formed into fists. “I can’t believe you – I cut short my time with Clarke in the past for you, okay? I cancelled time with my friends or my training to be with you. So don’t say I don’t spend enough time with you or blame me for not trying because I am! Besides, you were okay with yesterday – again!”

“And again, I’m not okay with you spending the night with her. She doesn’t need you like that!”

“We both drank, okay? She didn’t want to let me drive, so I stayed.”

“You could have called, Bellamy! I would have picked you up. But this didn’t come into your mind yesterday, didn’t it?”

Bellamy swallowed. He hadn’t thought about calling Gina to pick him up. He barely had thought about her the whole day. All he had been thinking was that Clarke needed to be okay and that he couldn’t leave her.

“Look,” Started Bellamy with a sigh, “I am sorry. I -”

“You always are when it comes to her, Bellamy. And I get that she is still grieving, especially yesterday. But she has more friends than just you.”

She glared at him, while her words ran through his head. Of course Clarke had more than just him but … well, she was his best friend, his Clarke. And if she really hadn’t wanted his company yesterday, she would have said it (and really meant it, because she had said it in the beginning but repeated how happy she had been that he was with her!).

To be honest, Bellamy didn’t know what to do right now.

“I, I want you to leave.”

“What?” Bellamy shouted in surprise and he opened his mouth to protest but Gina cut him off.

“No, no Bellamy. I, I need you to leave. I need time on my own to, to think about it. About us. Please.”

“The hell I will! Don’t be childish Gina, we -”

“I’m not, okay? I want you to leave. I am serious. Give us some space.”

“Don’t do that” Mumbled Bellamy and couldn’t believe that this was really happening. He felt a cold wave running through his blood, his mind pounding heavy, “Don’t do this to us.”

He swallowed.

“It’s too late … you already did.” Her response wasn’t more than a whisper.

Bellamy and her kept looking at each other and even though she just stood a few steps away, they have never been further apart.


End file.
